Chapter 18
CHELSEA
As the weeks went by and the pregnancy progressed, Chelsea began to feel as if she was on increasingly unsteady ground.
Every day felt like a game of chance. She would wake up in a fog of curiosity and trepidation, wondering which version of the shifting dynamic between Miles and herself awaited her. She could never be sure what she would find.
Some days were amazing. She would come downstairs to find that he had taken the day off work and planned something special for them.
There were shopping trips to buy things for the baby, entire days in the movie-screening room watching their childhood favorites and telling stories about them, and afternoons when he came with her to the kitchen and helped her bake pies.
Then there were the days he didn’t take off work.
Those days weren’t bad ones. She would spend them with Trudy, exploring new areas of the house — Miles’s library was vast and beautiful, filled with books so old she was afraid to touch some of them, until Trudy assured her that it would be all right.
But then there were other days — days when Miles was around, but things were off between them.
She knew it wasn’t his fault. It was her just as much as him.
She would walk into a room, take one look at him, and find herself unable to think of anything but what it had been like to kiss him.
Even now, two months after that kiss — seven months into her pregnancy — she couldn’t get it out of her mind fully.
The moment she entered the kitchen, she knew that today was going to be one of those days.
He was sitting at the counter in pajama pants and a T-shirt that fit him so well it left nothing at all to the imagination.
The outfit let her know that he would be working from home today, but he didn’t look up at her and smile, or ask how the baby was doing.
Not that he needs to ask. He knows he doesn’t have to.
He knows I’d tell him if there was anything to tell.
She walked to the end of the counter and picked up a piece of toast, settling into the farthest seat from his.
Her heart was already beating erratically just at the sight of him dressed the same way he had been the night they had kissed.
When she sat down, he finally glanced her way. “Are you going to eat anything else besides that toast?”
“Probably,” she said. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure the baby gets enough.
” She rested a hand on her bump, which had gotten much bigger over just the past few weeks.
She felt a sense of the surreal now when she looked in the mirror, and the baby kicked constantly.
Even now, she could feel it rolling over as if trying to find a comfortable position.
You and me both, kid.
“I’ve been thinking,” Miles said. “Maybe you should stick to the house until the baby comes.”
“Not go out anymore?” She frowned.
“Well, you’re pretty obviously pregnant now,” he pointed out.
“We’ve been covering it for a while with baggy sweaters, but I don’t think that’s going to work anymore.
And we did agree that part of the reason for you moving in here was to make sure the press didn’t get wind of this arrangement.
We’ve been incredibly lucky so far, in that regard. ”
“They’re going to know soon enough,” Chelsea pointed out.
“Once the baby is born, there won’t be any hiding it.
You won’t even want to hide it anymore at that point.
I’ve been thinking it might be a good idea to just release the story.
Let them do whatever they want to do with it. We don’t have anything to hide.”
“I don’t want you in the public eye,” Miles said. “I told you that right from the start. I don’t want them digging into your life and writing gossip about you.”
Her heart ached. There was such care in his voice when he said that. It was just impossible not to think that Miles was worried about her and the baby in equal measure. He was trying to protect her, and that made her love him even more.
No. I have to stop thinking that word! It had plagued her lately, cropping up in her thoughts unbidden when she least expected it.
Fine to admit I have a crush. Fine that I’m attracted to him.
Even the fact that I can’t stop thinking about that kiss is okay.
But love? No. I’m not in love with Miles.
I can’t be in love with Miles.
She was so caught up in her thoughts that she hardly noticed the sound of the ringing phone, or Miles picking it up. “Hello?”
And then his whole body seemed to grow heavy. His face drained of color. “What?” he whispered.
That got Chelsea’s attention. She looked up at him, eyes wide. It was obvious something terrible had happened, and she found herself starting to rise from her chair, as if there was something she could do about the situation by being on her feet.
“I…” Miles swallowed hard. “I understand. I’ll be… there as soon as I can. Thank you for calling.” Chelsea’s heart pounded. He hung up the phone and lowered it slowly to the table, his gaze distant.
“Miles?” she whispered. “What is it? What’s going on?”
“My dad,” he murmured. “He… he had another stroke… He’s gone.”
Chelsea’s head spun. She gripped the edge of the table.
No.
She had known Silas wasn’t well, of course.
But being around him, it had almost been possible to forget that fact.
In all the time she had known him, he had never really seemed sick, not even when he had been in the hospital.
He had always been so vibrant. So full of life.
His enthusiasm for everything around him, everything he touched, was that of a much younger man.
And now he’s gone? Just like that? It isn’t possible.
Miles was trembling in his seat. Chelsea jumped to her feet and hurried over to his side, resting her hand on his shoulder. “Miles… I’m so sorry. I can’t believe it.”
He jerked away from her touch. She froze.
He was grieving, she reminded herself. Grief was difficult and painful, and it was impossible to predict what a person might need during a time like that. She drew a slow, steadying breath. “What can I do for you?” she asked. “How can I help?”
He shook his head. “You can’t do anything,” he said, his voice hollow. “What could you possibly do? How could you possibly help with this?”
“Miles…”
Miles was on his feet. “I have to go to the hospital.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“Why would you come with me?” he asked, his voice rather sharp. “What was he to you? He wasn’t your father.”
“I cared about him, Miles. I care about you,” her voice came out hushed and small. “You don’t have to do this alone.”
“Of course I do,” he countered, his voice raw with pain. “Of course I do. I am alone.”
“But you’re not. You have me. We’re still in this together.”
He glanced at her. “We’re not in anything, Chelsea,” he said, his voice breaking. “This arrangement happened so that my father could have a grandchild. And now he’s never going to get to meet his grandchild. It… it’s all been for nothing.”
He couldn’t have hurt her any more if he’d reached out and struck her across the face. “You don’t mean that,” she breathed. “You can’t mean that.”
“Of course I do.” He was unrepentant. “You knew from the start what this was. You knew that I was doing this because I wanted to give my father a grandchild. And now I can’t do that, and I never will.”
Chelsea’s hands moved protectively to her baby bump.
“Miles… we’re still going to have our baby.
Your father… that was what he wanted for you.
For us. I know this is awful, and I know you’re in pain.
I’m so sorry this is happening. But isn’t our baby a silver lining?
Your father was so happy about this baby. ”
“And now he’ll never hold the baby. He’ll never get to know his grandchild,” Miles said. “I did this to make him happy, you’re right, but it doesn’t matter now. There was no point to it.”
“Don’t say that,” Chelsea whispered.
“I can’t handle this,” Miles said. “I have to go to the hospital. I… don’t worry, Chelsea. Nothing about our arrangement has changed. I’m still going to provide for your baby, just like I promised. You still get everything we agreed on.”
He left the kitchen, leaving Chelsea to stare after him. Nothing has changed? Everything had changed.
Your baby, he had said. Until this moment, it had always been our baby. But with one word, Miles had separated himself. He had made it clear that his involvement with the baby had been to please his father. And now that his father was gone, Miles wanted nothing more to do with his own child.
He never cared about our baby, she thought, her heart sinking.
All he ever cared about was legacy. And he’s right.
He did tell me that. Over and over, he told me why he was doing this.
It’s my own fault I never really heard him, never understood that he didn’t care about the family we were creating.
He cared about his father’s family. And now…
Well, now everything they had been trying to build was gone.
She sank onto a chair, leaning heavily on the table.
She had grown to care deeply for Silas. The way he had welcomed her into this family, always going out of his way to make sure she knew she was important…
It would have been easy for him to exclude her, to try to make her feel less-than or unworthy of Miles and the Aspin resources.
He had never done that. He had taken the time to get to know her right from the start, and he had always shown her how much he cared about her. And now he was gone.
She grieved the loss every bit as much as Miles did. It was a terrible tragedy that Silas would never be able to meet the grandchild he had wanted so badly. After all, if it wasn’t for him, this baby wouldn’t exist.
She drew a deep, steadying breath and released it slowly. It was important to remember the influence Silas Aspin had had over her life. Someday, she would want to honor his memory by telling her child all about him.
And it’s clear I’ll be the one doing that.
As far as Miles is concerned, we might as well have never conceived at all.
He couldn’t have been any clearer. He did this for his father, and not for any other reason.
Not because he wants this baby. He’s going to provide for us because he’s a man of integrity and it’s the right thing to do…
but I doubt he wants any place in our lives anymore.
Well, that was fine. She hardened her heart. There was no reason for her to be here anymore either. Not now that there was no facade to keep up. They wouldn’t have to stage a breakup. They wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of the lies they had told.
At least Silas died believing that we were a family. I know that’s something he wanted. That’s why Miles had us lie to him in the first place.
Chelsea hoped she had brought some joy into the old man’s life at the end of his days.
She left the kitchen and made her way upstairs, feeling tired and numb, suddenly wanting nothing more than to sleep. But she knew she couldn’t.
She didn’t want to spend one more day in this house that had been hollowed out, burdening Miles by making him look at her pregnant body and remember that his father would never meet their baby. He deserved space to grieve.
And if they weren’t going to build a life together, she needed to move on from the hope that there was any sort of future for the two of them. She would be out of the house by the time he returned home. It was what was best for them both.