Chapter Ten - EMMA
CHAPTER TEN
EMMA
TWO DAYS LATER, I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing on its charger.
I usually keep my phone on silent when I’m sleeping, but for the last two weeks since Gran has been in hospice care, the ringer has stayed on.
My heart starts racing when I look at the caller ID and see it’s the hospice home calling.
“Hello?” I answer nervously as I sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.
“Ms. Murphy? This is Kristin from Brookline Hospice Care.”
“Good morning, Kristin. How’s Gran doing today?” I ask her, shaking off the remainder of my sleepiness.
“Actually, that’s why I’m calling. You asked us to call you when things are close. I know you’ve been coming every day, but you need to come as soon as you are able,” Kristin explained with a gentle tone.
“I’m on my way. Thank you.” I hang up the phone and immediately throw off the covers.
I quickly dress in some leggings and a hoodie, then brush my teeth before rushing downstairs and across the street.
Even though I have told Ivan multiple times that I don’t need someone to watch out for me, he insists on not listening.
I know he has someone sitting in a car across the street from my apartment.
I run up to the car and knock on the window.
“Hi. I know Ivan has you sitting here watching my apartment. What’s your name?” I ask the driver as he rolls down the window.
“My name is Yuri, Ms. Murphy,” the man behind the wheel answers.
“Yuri, pleased to meet you. I need you to drive me to the hospice home, and I need you to get me there quickly.” I didn’t really give him an option to deny me as I opened the passenger door and plopped myself down in the seat. He looks at me in surprise.
“Now. Please,” I added as I pointed towards the road.
“Yes, ma’am,” he replies as the car starts and pulls out into the road in front of my apartment.
I have a tight grip on my phone, and my leg bounces up and down. I can’t stop the tears from forming as I pray to whomever is up there to please let me make it in time.
In what normally is a twenty minute drive, Yuri gets me there in ten. The car barely stops outside the hospice home before I open the door and run inside to Gran’s room.
“Is she still here? Did I make it in time?” I ask Kristin as I walk into Gran’s room, taking deep breaths and trying to calm my racing heart.
“She’s still here, Ms. Murphy,” Kristin says as she pats my arm reassuringly.
“However, her time is short. Your gran’s heart rate is slowing down, and her breathing is becoming more erratic.
We did our best to make her comfortable after you left last night and when we did a check of her vitals this morning, they were unsteady. That’s when I called you.”
“Thank you. Can she still hear me? Does she know I’m here?” I ask as the tears start flowing.
“She can hear you, but she may not react to your words. Sit with her. Talk to her. It may ease her mind as she transitions.”
“Okay,” I squeak out as I pull a chair towards the bed and sit down. Kristin steps out of the room to give us some privacy. Gran looks so small in her bed, the smallest I’ve ever seen her. I take her hand in mine and start talking.
“Hey, Gran. It’s Emma. I came to sit with you.” I try to sound cheerful even though my heart is breaking into a million pieces. She doesn’t respond to my words. More tears start to fall as I remember all the good times we had together and how we would have long chats over coffee or tea.
“The nurse tells me you’ll be gone soon. It would be selfish of me to ask you to stay. I’ll be all alone if you go, and I don’t want to be alone.” I’m not sure how I’m getting the words out or even if Gran can fully hear me.
“However, I know you’re ready. You’ve lived a good life. You’ve taught me a lot about love and living a good life. I’ll never forget those lessons.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to go.
I’ll be okay here. You’ve taken care of me when I needed it, and I’ll be forever grateful.
I know Papa and Grandad are waiting for you.
I love you, Gran.” I lean over Gran to give her a gentle hug and kiss her cheek.
Settling back down in the bedside chair, I continue to hold her hand.
A few minutes later, I feel my phone start vibrating. I turned the ringer off when I got here because I didn’t want to be disturbed. I’ve already let Boris know that I won’t be in today because I’m with Gran, so I’m not sure who would be calling me this early.
I look down at the caller ID and see that Ivan is calling.
I send it straight to voicemail because I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now.
I just want to sit here and be with Gran.
My phone rings again, and I send it to voicemail for a second time.
Then my phone pings with an incoming text message.
Ivan: Lyubimaya, why aren’t you answering your phone?
Are you okay?
Me: No
Ivan: Emma, what is going on?
Me: I’m at Gran’s hospice home.
Her heart is slowing down.
The nurse thinks she’ll pass today.
Ivan: I’m on my way.
I put my phone away and return my focus back to Gran. I don’t expect Ivan to show up because I know he’s busy, but at the same time it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he did. He’s the kind of man who gets his way and doesn’t take kindly to those who argue with him.
For fifteen minutes I hold Gran’s hand and watch as her breathing slows down.
Tingles start to prick my eyes as it becomes more difficult to hold back tears.
I don’t want the last thing my gran hears to be my cries as she leaves.
As much as my heart is already breaking, it breaks even more when I watch my gran take her last breath.
It was so quiet, I almost didn’t catch it.
She exhaled softly, and then there was stillness.
I can’t hold it in anymore, and I let the tears stream down my face.
I guess my reaction was louder than I realized, because I hear the door to Gran’s room open and Kristin walks in.
She checks Gran to see if she can find a pulse, and I look at her with hope that maybe Gran is still with me.
Kristin slowly shakes her head, placing a gentle hand on my back.
“I’ll give you some time,” Kristin says gently. She leaves me alone with Gran, and softly closes the door behind her.
I put my head down on the bed and let the tears come. Gran is gone. What will I do now?
“Gran, I love you. Thank you so much for taking care of me and for teaching me what I need to know. I’m really going to miss our talks and learning your recipes.
I know that you’re where you want to be, with Grandad, Dad, and Mama.
Please tell them I love them, and give them a hug when you see them. ”
I lean over her to give her a kiss on her cheek and a hug, knowing this will be the last time that I do so.
My legs feel like jelly, so I sit back down and continue to hold her hand.
I just can’t leave her yet. I’m so focused on my overwhelming grief that I don’t hear the door open and someone walk into Gran’s room.
“Emma,” I hear a masculine voice say as a hand is placed softly on my back. “Lyubimaya, I’m here.”
I lift my head to see Ivan’s blue eyes staring back at me, concern etched in his face.
A fresh wave of tears starts falling as I wrap my arms around his waist. He’s practically the only other person I know in Boston, and a familiar face is comforting in the moment.
Ivan wraps his strong arms around my shoulders and holds me close.
“I’m so sorry, lyubimaya. I know how much your babushka means to you,” Ivan says as he kisses the top of my hair.
“She’s gone,” I wail into his chest. “What am I going to do without her?”
“We will figure it out,” he says softly. Ivan continues to hold me as my legs give out, and we slip to the floor.
He lets me cry as he holds me close, gently running his hand up and down my back in a soothing motion. The tears kept coming and coming, soaking into his shirt. Ivan doesn’t say anything about it, somehow recognizing that I don’t need words in this moment.
A small knock at the door has me taking deep breaths to collect myself. Kristin pokes her head around the door.
“Ms. Murphy? The doctor is here,” she says softly.
“Come in,” I tell her as I wipe away tears with a tissue Ivan handed me.
“Ms. Murphy, I’m Dr. Cooper,” the doctor introduces himself, holding out his hand. I hold mine out to shake his before dropping it quickly to wipe my eyes again. “I wish we were talking under better circumstances.”
“Me too, Doc. Me too,” I reply. “So what happens now?” I ask him.
“Well, first I need to confirm her heart stopped and verify the time of death the nurse recorded. There is some paperwork to complete and other calls to be made, then the funeral home will be notified. Does she have a preferred funeral home?” Dr. Cooper asks.
“Yes. She made plans and arrangements after my parents died last year.” I dig around in my purse for the card the funeral director gave me, and pass it to the doctor.
“Thank you. Do you have any questions for me?” Dr. Cooper asks.
“I don’t know. I mean, how long will all of this take?” I ask him, not really knowing what I want to ask him.
“It depends. I can make the calls pretty quickly. The longest part will be waiting for the funeral home to collect her.”
“Can I stay with Gran until they come?”
“Yes. We can do that.” Dr. Cooper smiles at me reassuringly. “Are you ready for me to make the call?”
“No,” I blurt out. “Well, yes. I guess so. I’m just not ready to say goodbye.”
“I understand, Ms. Murphy. It’s hard when we have to say goodbye to loved ones.” Dr. Cooper and Kristin move to Gran’s bedside to check for her heartbeat and any other vital signs.
I watch Dr. Cooper verify Gran’s time of death on her chart and suddenly a wail leaves me as collapse on the floor again. Ivan drops to the floor with me to hold me in his arms as he lets me cry.
I’m not sure how long I spend crying on the floor of Gran’s hospice room before I finally slow down and start taking deep breaths, trying to fill my lungs with much needed air.
At some point, the doctor and nurse left, because I didn’t see them when I lifted my head away from Ivan’s chest. This man who has been here the whole time.
Who has not said a word. Who has held me tightly while I processed my emotions over losing Gran, and he’s done it all while sitting on the floor of Gran’s hospice room.
Once again, I hear a knock at the door to Gran’s room.
“Come in,” I call out, my voice cracking, my throat sore from the crying.
“Ms. Murphy? My name is Brian. I’m here to take Emily Murphy to the funeral home. Is this a good time?” he asks as he steps into the doorway.
“I guess now is as good a time as any,” I tell him as I get up from the floor with Ivan’s help.
“Yes, ma’am.” Brian enters the room with a stretcher being pushed by a second man. I don’t catch the second man’s name because I’m too focused on my final moments with Gran.
I’m amazed at how quickly and respectfully they do their jobs. I give Gran one final kiss goodbye on her cheek before Brian and his assistant wheel her away.
“Let me take you home,” Ivan says to me. I nod in response, not really able to find the words. Ivan puts his hands around my shoulders to walk me out. Kristin joins us and stops at the hospice house doors.
“Ms. Murphy, please accept my condolences for your loss. I understand how much your gran meant to you, and you to her,” Kristin says as she hugs me gently. “If there is anything you need in the coming days, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.”
“Thank you, Kristin. I’ll let you know.”
Ivan holds his car door open for me and helps me into the passenger seat. I fasten my seatbelt and lean against the door after it closes. Ivan rounds the front of the car and slips into the driver’s seat.
“What do you need?” Ivan asks after a few minutes of silent driving.
“I don’t know. I just want to go home and go to bed,” I tell him, staring out the window.
“Okay,” he replies. “I see you found Yuri.” Ivan chuckles as he tries to lighten the mood.
“I knew you wouldn’t listen after I told you that I didn’t need someone to watch out for me; I figured you’d have someone near my apartment building.
I also figured it was Yuri when I saw him pulling into a nearby parking spot yesterday afternoon.
I recognized him from the restaurant. I didn’t know his name until I scared him today when I demanded a ride. ”
“You’re very observant,” Ivan says, turning down the street to my apartment.
“Sometimes. I’m here in Boston on my own now, so I feel like I need to be,” I tell him.
“My father taught me to be observant in all things,” Ivan says as he pulls into a parking spot in front of my building and turns off the car. I move to open the door, but Ivan stops me. “A lady does not open her own door.”
I give him a slight smile and watch as he gets out and moves around the car to open my door.
He holds out his hand, and I take it for support as I get out.
I notice Yuri standing at the main door to my building, waiting to open the door for me.
Ivan escorts me all the way up to my apartment and through the door.
“You can go now, Ivan. I’m home and safe in my apartment,” I tell him as he closes the door. He’s standing inside my apartment, but I don’t remember inviting him in.
“You should not be alone today, or ever again,” he replies.
“I’ll be fine, Ivan. I really just want to go to bed and not have to think for a while,” I tell him.
“You’re stubborn,” Ivan says. I shrug in agreement.
“Fine. I’ll let you sleep, but I’ll be back later,” Ivan tells me, his tone leaving no room for argument.
“No, you won’t,” I tell him. “You’re too busy to check on me later.”
“I’m never too busy for you, lyubimaya,” Ivan tells me as he cups my face in his large hands.
He tips my face up and bends down to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.
It’s friendly and comforting, and a feeling that is definitely needed today.
If it were any other day, I’d blush at his touch and the butterflies in my stomach would start flying in their confined space.
“I’m leaving Yuri in the hallway. If you need anything before I return, tell him,” Ivan calls out over his shoulder as he walks out my apartment door and down the hallway.
“Not gonna happen, but thank you!” I laugh at his words as I turn to look at Yuri. I give him a small smile and a wave as I close the door to my apartment, then lock it.
Leaning back against the door, I sigh heavily. It doesn’t feel right to be here on my own. Gran should be here. I walk across the apartment to my bedroom and put my pajamas on. Crawling under the covers and pulling them up to my chin, I settle in and try to sleep, knowing that rest won’t come easy.