Chapter 17 #2
“I haven’t relaxed on a weekend for a long time,” I barrel on. “The past three months, I’ve read two pages of my book in bed and fallen asleep. Perhaps that’s why Jane split up with me.”
Shit, I didn’t mean to say that last bit out loud.
“Is that what she said?”
“No.” I run a nail down a groove in the wooden ledge in front of us. “Apart from the brother comment, she didn’t really explain. I’m still mystified about the whole thing, if I’m being honest. She’s started seeing somebody else, so maybe he’s giving her something she didn’t get from me.”
That was far too revealing, James.
“Sounds like it’s something to do with her, then, rather than you.”
My eyebrows rise as I turn my head toward her. “Why do you say that?”
She shrugs. “I think it’s the most likely reason if she couldn’t explain.
People are often happy to lay the blame at someone else’s door if they can …
I don’t mean that in a bad way; it just makes them feel better.
” The color in her face deepens, but I’m gaping at her.
“Sorry, she might not be like that at all, of course,” Sadie stumbles on, “but I’ve found that, if people can’t clarify why something is the way it is, they’ve usually got their own agenda and they’re just keeping quiet about it. ”
She swallows as she studies her hands in her lap, and I stare out of the window again.
Is that true? I’ve blamed myself for things I didn’t do with Jane, stuff I should have foreseen.
Did Jane have some agenda that I wasn’t aware of?
I was transparent with her; I just assumed she was the same with me.
Christ. I’m almost vibrating as the idea swarms my head.
As I’m gazing out onto the street, two people on bicycles go past.
“I used to cycle a lot,” I say, looking back at her. “Jane and I cycled together. I can’t do it anymore. I keep thinking of her cycling with Kevin.”
Sadie purses her lips but doesn’t ask me any more about what happened with Jane or even who Kevin is. She often keeps her own counsel and listens to everyone. She’s waiting for me, just like I’m waiting for her. My chest expands with how nice that is, how much space she gives me to just breathe.
“I’d love to learn to ride,” she says, glancing at where the cyclists are disappearing up the street.
My eyes go wide. “You’ve never ridden a bike?”
“We never had anything like that when I was younger.”
“Well, they must have classes. This is New York! Let’s go next weekend.”
“Oh no, James. I’m twenty-two! I can’t learn now.”
“It will be fun,” I say, leaning toward her.
She looks down at her lap. “I don’t think I could do that.”
Okay. Maybe I’m revising my opinion that she’s up for new experiences.
Her eyes come up to mine, and shit, we are far too close.
She’s looking at me like she wants to believe me but thinks I might be a maniac.
I’m used to being the calm, sensible one, but, with Sadie, I’m not like that.
Now I understand how Des feels when he’s trying to rally everyone along, sort of joyous and a bit silly.
I’m not sure why I’m so eager to give her all these firsts.
I get these flickering glances into her past, but she’s a complicated puzzle that I’m still trying to unlock.
The weather all week is a string of warm, beautiful days, and so, on Friday, I book a class for Sadie the following day. At 8 a.m. on Saturday, I rap on her door.
“Get your ass in gear because we’re going cycling!”
A rustle of sheets reaches me from behind the door, followed by the soft pad of feet, and she wrenches the door open. She’s wearing some pajamas that have mice on them, and her hair is a bird’s nest. I gape at her. She’s cute as all get out.
“You’d better not let Mr. Karen see those pajamas, or he might chase you around the apartment,” I add.
“What did you say?”
“About what?”
“About some kind of …” She swallows, staring over my head. “… cycling class.”
“Yeah.” I glance toward the sunshine outside the window. “It said the weather would be nice today, and you said you’d like to learn, so I booked you a spot.”
“Without consulting me?”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sadie get snippy, and I roll my lips together to stop myself from smiling.
“I could get run over … or anything,” she adds.
“I don’t think you’re going to be on a road right away, Sadie.”
“You’ve paid for this thing, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “You did that because you knew I wouldn’t waste the money, didn’t you?”
I look off to the side, still trying not to smile. “Maybe.”
She rolls her eyes. “Remind me never to tell you anything about me ever again. Let me get dressed.” And she shuts the door on me.
She’s goddamn cute when she’s annoyed and forgets to be nervous. “Wear something comfortable,” I shout through her door. “Something stretchy you can move in.”
There’s silence on the other side of the door.
Leave her alone to get ready. But the door is suddenly flung open, and she’s standing in front of me wearing leggings that cling to her long legs and a fitted T-shirt that’s made of some stretchy fabric that curves around the slope of her waist and her chest and …
No, James, stop looking at her like that!
Have I ever seen her in something other than a big cardigan?
I swallow, eyes darting up to her face, heat creeping up my neck. Did she notice I was checking her out?
“Let me do something with this car crash,” she mutters, gesturing at her tangled hair. I tilt my head at her.
“I think it’s kind of cute,” I say, and her eyes widen at me as a flush climbs up into her cheeks. It settles something down inside me.
“You’re not funny, James Royce,” she says and stalks past me into the bathroom.
I try not to look at her ass in her leggings as she disappears and fail.
What am I doing? Sadie works with me. I’ve never so much as looked at another woman: it’s like …
it’s like … Like I’ve been holding my breath for years and only just realized.
Losing Jane was like losing the only future I ever envisioned for myself, but for the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling good exactly, but better—like I’ve taken a single, shaky inhale after a lifetime underwater.