Chapter 35
Sadie
After a lot of stalling at the precinct, they eventually tell me that no one has reported an assault, and the only option I have now is to try and find James at home, so I head back to the subway and jump on a train.
When I slot my keys into the door of the apartment on Water Street, I’m greeted by a soft glow from the appliances in the kitchen and my whole throat tightens when I make out a dim shape sitting on the couch in the dark.
When I turn on the lamp, I’m almost light-headed to find James with a whiskey in his hand.
There’s a huge scrape down one side of his face, and he’s wearing a different pair of glasses.
His eyes widen on me, and he tips his head back onto the cushions as he blinks up at the ceiling. “Thank Christ,” he says in a rough croak.
Well, that was a more positive response than I was expecting. I walk over to where he’s sitting and sink down next to him. He turns toward me, stretching out and pulling me into him, long arms wrapping around me.
“God, I’ve been beside myself all day,” he mumbles into my hair. “Where have you been?”
Where do I start? At the end, that’s where you start, Sadie. Work backward. Build up to the difficult conversation. I tip back and look up at him.
“Des messaged me. He said you were in trouble.”
He groans. So I shift back and delve into my pocket, fishing out his phone and holding it out to him.
His eyebrows shoot up as he takes it and turns it over in his hand. “Where did you get this?” His eyes dart from the screen to me.
“Des said you’d gone out to Queens to find me. When he told me something had happened … I know people in Jamaica Houses. I went out there to see if I could do anything.”
James closes his eyes. “But …”
“A guy named Cady lives on my mom’s stairwell. I’ve known him all my life. He’s a two-bit crook, but he owes me because I saved his brother’s life, so when Des called me, I decided to go and have a word with him.”
“You went out to Queens to talk to a crook?” His head rolls onto the back of the couch again.
I laugh. “I lived my whole life with people like Cady. He wouldn’t harm me. We have history.”
He shakes his head as his hand reaches out and he weaves his fingers through mine.
I stare down at our hands. Why is he being so friendly?
Doesn’t he know I lied about having a degree?
Was Jane lying? I’ve only got her word that she told him, after all.
My stomach sinks. Whether he’s aware or not, I have to tell him.
I should have told him a long time ago. Maybe he won’t be feeling so affectionate then.
“You saved his brother’s life?”
“His brother had mental health problems and took an overdose late one night. As luck would have it, I was on my way back from a babysitting job, and I found him stretched out on one of the benches next to the playground as I was cutting through it. After I called 911, I did CPR on him until the ambulance arrived.” I look down at my hands.
“I learned first aid in school because it was the only class where people didn’t pick on me. None of the assholes took that option.”
He gives me a small smile.
“It was touch and go whether he was going to make it, and we all sat in the waiting room while Cady’s mom paced around, praying.
She’s Catholic, and her husband ran off with another woman a long time ago.
The doctor told Cady his brother wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t given him CPR, and he pulled me into a big bear hug and didn’t stop saying thank you and that he owed me. ”
“I can’t believe that a guy who jumped me from behind would be kind to anyone,” James mutters.
“He jumped you?”
“Yeah. After I saw Jake.”
“I can’t believe you talked to that asshole.”
He tuts. “Jake and I are best buddies now. He was delighted to see me. He talked to me about getting his grubby paws on your paycheck. He mentioned some debts.”
Jesus. Jake. In all the madness of the last twenty-four hours, his debts have seemed like the least of my worries. It’s all moot now anyway. I’m going to lose my job so I won’t even have a paycheck anymore.
“I don’t know what his debts are, but that’s why he’s been chasing me for money. I’m sorry for all this trouble, James. I’m sorry I disappeared from the office today.”
“What the hell happened, Sadie?”
“When I went out for lunch, Jane was waiting for me outside.” God, that conversation with Jane seems like eons ago.
He groans. “I knew it. That woman, the problems she’s created.” He shakes his head. “Not sure I’m going to be able to forgive her any time soon.”
Oh God, will he ever forgive me? “You spent twelve years with her!”
“I know. What an idiot.”
“She said she’d told you that …” I can stand up to Cady, but can I tell James this? “… that I said I had a degree when I applied to Williams Security and I don’t.”
His face is impassive as he turns toward me. “Yeah, I know.”
I blink at him. What? That’s it?
“At the end of the day, Sadie, it’s not great that you lied, but I understand why you did it.
I talked to Des. We didn’t check it out, so that’s on us, and you’ve done an excellent job since you joined, however you got the job.
We’ve really struggled to find good developers as the company has grown. We want you working on the code.”
I stare at him. Open my mouth and close it again. How … What … He’s not mad? There’s no legal case or … a cold wave washes through me, but God, I don’t deserve this. All that anguish and worry and … I can’t just sit here and ... I stand up and pace over to the kitchen island.
“I just … I just … How can you say that?”
“Come here, Sadie.”
“After Jane said she’d told you, I was so mortified.
What must you think of me? I applied for so many programmer jobs and never got so much as a sniff of an interview, so I put it in my application to Williams Security.
I meant to take it out, but then I submitted it in a rush and forgot.
I never thought you’d ask to see me! When Des offered me the job, I thought that, if I got through my probation, I’d tell you.
I was planning on coming clean, I promise.
” When I look over at James, he’s on the edge of his seat, eyes warm behind his glasses.
“I thought I had no way out of that life in Jamaica Houses.” I tip my head back and stare up at the lights in the ceiling.
“Sadie. Come here.”
I pace across the carpet again. “How can you be so okay with this?”
“Sadie.”
He levers off the couch and grabs hold of me, pulling me onto his knee and burying his head in my neck.
He takes a long, shuddering breath. “Speaking of things not being okay,” he mumbles into my throat, “I’m mad that you didn’t respond to any of my messages.
And now I find out you spoke to … goddamn … Des!”
“I left you a message before I talked to Des. I didn’t realize you didn’t have your phone.
I only called Des because a text flashed across my screen all in caps that said ‘JAMES IS IN TROUBLE!’” I pull back, trying to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back, James.
I didn’t know how to apologize for all the mess I created.
” I have something else to confess, too.
“I also told Jane that you tried to jump off the roof of your old apartment building. I was so terrified and so angry at all her accusations, about how she’s treated you, that it just popped out. ”
“Yeah, I know.”
He what?
He runs his big hands up my thighs. “I’m mad about that, too.
But maybe not for the reason you think. I don’t care that she’s found out; it feels like ages ago, like I was a different person.
But Jane’s been chasing me all day, wanting to apologize.
I’m sorry she cornered you.” He chuckles.
“My dad asked me what she was smoking after that meal. She was sometimes strange when we were together in the way she saw things and how she interpreted other people’s behavior, but I didn’t realize just how odd it was until it was aimed at me.
” He tips his head back against the couch and blows out a long breath.
“What a lucky escape I’ve had. If she’d said yes, we would have been planning our wedding now.
Imagine finding this out after …” He lifts his head and fixes me with a sharp look.
“But enough about Jane. You really thought you couldn’t talk to Des and me and we’d be reasonable? ”
I chew my lip. What I think is that Williams Security is a very unusual business.
“It’s terrifying being in a class when everything is moving too fast, James.
You don’t understand what teachers are telling you.
For years, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t like everyone else.
I thought I was stupid. My mom never did, but your parents are biased, right?
In the end, her faith in me gave me the courage to study online.
But people made fun of me at school. I tried to ask the teachers for help—some were kind, and some weren’t—but I fell further and further behind.
I was in remedial classes. Other kids called me ‘Slow Sadie.’”
He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes. “Christ, that sounds awful.”
“Software is very different for me. A set of patterns I can see moving down the page, like it’s dancing.”
He laughs. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described that way.”
His hands slide around and grip my hips, warm through my black pants. I can’t believe that I’m sitting on his knee and, somehow, he’s okay with all of this. There’s no sign of the cool distance I was expecting—just the opposite, actually.
“Why are you not mad? It’s not normal.”
He smiles, fingers tightening. “I think you don’t get how much I like you, Sadie. You and I have found something special and unexpected living together, and I don’t want to lose it.”
I face-plant into his shoulder, and he turns and kisses my temple.
“I’m so glad you’re all right,” he mutters against my skin. “I was imagining all sorts of things with Jake outside the office.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer.
“Not as much as I was worried about you,” I say into his neck. “I can’t believe Cady and his goons jumped you.”
He sighs as I draw back to look at him. “They pushed me to the ground and grabbed my laptop and phone.”
I reach out and hover my thumb over the scrape on his face. “Did you clean this?”
He shakes his head. So, I climb off his knee and fetch some antiseptic, cotton gauze, and warm water.
His eyes are soft on me as I start dabbing at his skin, roaming over my hair, my cheeks, and finally my lips.
“I’m mortified about putting that degree on my resume, James. You could sue me!”
He laughs. “Yeah, we’re not going to do that. That would be a huge waste of time and resources, and why would we do that when you’re so great at your job?”
His body heat slowly seeps into me, and as I rest my hand on his chest to work on his face, his heart beats reassuringly under my fingers.
“I didn’t see your mom at the apartment,” he says.
“Oh, Christ! I need to call her. She left Jake. She’s in a hostel in Jersey City. I was supposed to go back there. I told her I was going to look for you, and she’ll be worried.”
“She left Jake?”
“Yes, thank God. When I got back here from the office today, my mom was sitting on your doorstep.”
“Is she okay?”
“She’s all right. I booked us both into a hostel for tonight. I didn’t know what else to do, and at least I’d stayed there before.”
“Yeah, Des mentioned you lived there before you moved in here. You’re not staying in a hostel.
You’re sleeping here with me. I might never let you out of my sight again.
Your mom can stay, too. She can have the spare bedroom, and you can share mine.
” He shakes his head. “I still can’t believe you wandered around that neighborhood and then talked to some thugs.
The same assholes who shoved me to the ground and stole all my stuff. You’re a badass.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I think the last thing I am is a badass.”
“We also need to call Des,” he says. “I’m surprised he hasn’t called, actually.”
“Shit! I promised I’d call him as soon as I found out what had happened to you.”
James chuckles. “He’ll be losing his shit.”