Chapter 40
Sadie
When I wake up, James is curled around me with his hand on my stomach and pressed into my back.
It’s my favorite time of day, those few minutes when we’re wrapped up in each other.
I have a fantasy life living downtown with a gorgeous guy, so I want to enjoy every second of it.
James is like a different person now, eyes twinkling at me when he makes some joke about cooking or Mr. Karen or some fantasy book, bossing people around in the office and joking about that, too. It’s a joy to see him so happy.
The girl holds the injured bird in her hands. When she opens her fingers, it spreads its wings and flies away.
Jane did such a number on him. She still texts him, and she seems more considerate of him now, but he’s often irritated by it.
He hasn’t said anything about being in a relationship with me.
And maybe, after everything with Jane, that’s not a place he wants to go.
Am I a rebound for him? Will he eventually move on?
The thought is sharp and hot. God. For now, all I want to do is wallow in it all like I’m between the pages of some amazing book.
I’ve been working with Cath on how to employ people with experience and fewer qualifications, and Roy’s given me responsibility for some parts of the code.
No one at Williams Security treats me like I’m slow.
And I’ve started to think that maybe it was just one of those stupid things that cruel kids say at school that aren’t true but end up becoming how you view yourself nonetheless.
I’d like to get a degree someday, but I understand the code just as well as the college graduates here.
And there are lots of assholes with degrees, Rodriguez and Jane to name just two.
James has been so positive about my forays into hardware, and his enthusiasm makes my heart ache.
I’ve come so much further than I ever expected: this job, standing up to Jake, Cady.
The girl writes some code that transports her to a different planet.
And sci-fi? Who knew? I’m into the creation of worlds and the tech, but I’m mainly into it because, after I’ve read the story, I get to listen to James nerd out about it for hours. I rest my hand lightly on top of his hand on my stomach and breathe it all in as I close my eyes.
The next thing I know, lips are moving down the back of my neck, the hard shape of him pressed into me from behind. I smile at the wall. This is my second-favorite time of day, and definitely my favorite thing to do with James.
I place my hand over his again and slide it downward, and he groans and nuzzles into my hair.
“We don’t have to do this …”
I shift onto my back, and a small sigh seeps out of me as I take in his sleepy face minus his glasses. I bring my hand up to straighten where his hair has turned into riotous curls overnight.
“Why wouldn’t I want to, though?” I laugh as I put my hand on his bare chest, and my fingers trail down over his hard pecs and miles of smooth skin. “I have all this right here.”
He laughs. “Yeah, you don’t need to butter me up. I know I’m no super stud. I’m a skinny guy who wears glasses.”
What is he talking about? His long, lean body, blue eyes, and ... “You do realize that all the girls in the office have a total crush on you.”
He grins at me. “Shame I’m spoken for.”
Spoken for? “Well, for now.” It slips out without thinking. Would he really be happy with me long term?
He frowns. “What do you mean ‘for now’?”
Oh God, I shouldn’t have said that. I give him a wan smile. “Just a joke.”
He nuzzles into my hair again. “Don’t joke about things like that. It makes it sound like you’re planning on leaving me.”
As if I’d ever voluntarily leave James! I just need to protect my heart a little. “Never.”
He pulls back and grins at me. “My girl,” he says, pressing my nose with his finger.
A warm flutter starts up. He can be so cute and sentimental at times.
Like … like … my chest tightens like it’s being ground through a crusher.
So, I stretch up and brush my lips across his, and he takes over the kiss, pushing me into the mattress as he rolls me onto my back and hovers over me, eyes flicking over my face.
“What?” I whisper as I stroke my hands down his sides, fingers snagging on his boxers.
It’s a miracle that I get to touch him like this.
That I get to feel him … I close my eyes.
It’s always so good. My hips seem to move of their own accord, pressing up into him, his eyes drifting closed like he’s in pain.
I’ve never been able to resist James. Whenever we do this, my body has a mind of its own.
“I can never hold back with you, Sadie.”
My lips part. It’s like he pulled the words straight out of my head.
“This is always so good,” he groans as he nestles between my thighs, and his lips find mine in a smearing kiss.
I run my hands up the acres of skin on his back, and his hand delves under the edge of my sleep top, trailing across my waist and up my rib cage. His fingers brush along the bottom of my breast, and I gasp into his mouth as tingling coils low in my body. He pushes into me with a tilt of his pelvis.
“God,” he says.
I reach for the hem of my top and tug it up, wriggling as he props up on one elbow and yanks at the fabric with the other.
I’m lost in folds for a beat, and then James appears again, tossing the shirt over his shoulder.
His chest presses into me, and I groan into his mouth as his hand cups my face, lips firm on mine.
I shove at the waistband of his boxers. I’m greedy.
I want my hands on him. There’s nothing I like better than watching every reaction flicker across his face as I play with him.
He goes up on his elbow again, lifting his hips, breaking our kiss as he does it, and I push at the elastic again, wrapping my hand around him as his cock pops free. He does a whole-body shudder.
“That is so fucking good.”
He also gets very sweary when he’s turned on, too. I run my finger over the tip of him, and his lips part, hand splaying across my rib cage as he looks down at me.
“Fuck, you look good.”
His hair is already damp; face flushed as he tries to hold back.
The wild curls are somewhat subdued now that he’s getting a bit sweaty, and I slide my fingers into the thick mass at the back of his head, loving how soft it is against my hand.
He tips his head back and rolls it slowly, almost purring like Mr. Karen does when I rub behind his ears.
“I love that,” he gasps.
“What?” I murmur. “This?” I scratch his scalp.
He gives a broken laugh. “Well, everything you do to me basically.”
He tilts his hips a bit more and slides through my wetness, and I wrap my leg around his hip, trying to coax him forward.
“Sadie,” he whispers. “Once I’m inside, I won’t last, I …”
I know this now. Calm, patient James Royce flies out the window when we have sex.
He becomes desperate and edgy. Giving me commands and urging me to get there.
It’s the biggest turn-on. I love that only I see this side of him.
Well, except for the other girls he’s been with, of course—the one other girl.
And the thought is so sour in my head that I have to turn my head away.
He braces himself up on his elbows. “What is it? What was that face?”
“Nothing. It was nothing.”
He makes a face now. “Don’t do that, Sadie. You’re always honest with me.”
Well, I am, apart from how much I love him; how much I have always loved him.
My eyes come back to his. I’m getting so good at looking at him now. “I was just thinking how I like to see you let loose, and then I realized that I wasn’t the only person who got to see that.” I make a face at him, which I hope is halfway between a grimace and an apology.
He laughs. “No, no. You see, you are the only one who’s seen me like this. I’ve only ever been like this with you. You make me feel …” He trails off, eyes going tight for a second as his gaze flicks back and forth between my eyes. “You know, right?”
“Know what?”
His hips press forward, the shape of him sliding through where I’m wet, and I wrap my other leg around his hip, and he adjusts and buries himself inside me on a long groan. Then he props up on his hands, pressing in and pulling out once, something swimming behind his eyes.
The knight stares at his queen, hoping she understands what he cannot put into words.
He bends down and brushes his nose against mine. “You know that I love you,” he whispers.
My heart thumps like my body can no longer contain it, like it might explode out of my chest. “What?”
“I love you, Sadie. I have for a while. I just … I didn’t want to say it and for you to think you were a rebound or some temporary thing I was smitten with.”
I did think that.
Oh God.
I mean …
But he’s looking at me with an expression on his face I’ve never seen before, bright and wild and full of hope, and oh Christ! Is this real? Did I fall back to sleep and disappear into the best dream?
“Say something,” he whispers, uncertainty creeping into his face. “You must look at what happened with Jane and think I don’t know what I feel, but I promise you …”
God, I don’t want him to feel bad about this. “You’re kidding, right? All you look like to me is the most loyal guy on the planet.”
He drops his head to my chest. “That’s one way of looking at it.” He kisses my shoulder, head rubbing side to side, then lifts his head again, eyes shining. “I really love you, Sadie.”
God, he loves me.
The earth falls away as trees flash past. Birds rise up, mountains, and I’m flying through the clouds, the world far beneath my feet. I suck in a huge gasp of air.
“I love you, too.” I just can’t hold it back. “Ever since I met you. I just … That’s why I could never look you in the eye.”
His lips part. “What? That was why?”
I close my eyes. I’m going to die, right now. I should never have admitted that. He makes a strange, strangled noise, and my eyes pop open to see his face break into the wildest grin. It’s another expression I’ve never seen on him before; he’s never unrestrained—my calm, thoughtful knight.
“You’ve liked me all this time?”
I laugh brokenly. “Yes, James. Me and every other woman who crosses your path.”
He tsks at me. “I don’t want any other woman. I just want you.” He bites his bottom lip and flexes his hips, and the feeling of him pushing forward makes my eyes roll into the back of my head.
“Look at me,” he murmurs. “Look at me while we do this.” My eyes open as his fingers weave through mine, and he brings our linked hands up to where our chests are pressed together. “Just like the first time,” he whispers as he pulls out and pushes back in again. “You, looking at me.”
“James,” I croak.
He nudges his nose softly against mine. “Always so special. Every time we do this, it lights me up inside.”
Oh God. All my words lodge in my throat. He rubs over me, sending tingling down my legs.
“Tell me what you need,” he says.
I arch up into him, and he groans. “Sadie.”
I can’t tell him with words. I wrap my arms around him as he moves and we’re slowly spinning, a cocoon of thread winding its way from my body, binding us tighter and tighter, traveling through my limbs and weaving us together.
Everywhere he touches me, the threads weave, and a part of him becomes part of me.
And suddenly the words are there. God knows if they’re the right ones. “I just thought you were the handsomest man I’d ever seen. You were so smart, and so committed to your girlfriend. I just worshipped you, and then you didn’t want me to stay here, and I realized you were struggling, and …”
He groans as he stops moving. “Oh, God. No, Sadie. That’s awful. I’m so sorry that I …”
“No, we’ve already been over that. Don’t stop!” I clutch at his shoulders, and he rubs against me, bumping my nose with his again.
I let out broken laugh. “I thought you might not want this, after everything.”
He stills again, staring at me again. “What? Want what?”
“A relationship.”
“Are you kidding me? What do you think we’ve been doing over the last month?” He lets out a groan. “God, I’m an idiot. I should have said something before now. God, I can’t bear it, I can’t bear that you thought …”
He shifts his hips, threading his fingers through my hair. “You’re everything to me, Sadie. Every day you do something new, and I realize just how amazing you are all over again.”
“Stop, James. I can’t take …”
He stills his hips, and I dig my nails into his shoulder.
“Not that,” I whisper. “Don’t keep saying how amazing I am.”
He growls. “I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me. I think you are way too good for me. I’m not better than you, Sadie. No way. Don’t think like that about us.”
Most of the time, when it’s just James and me chatting over pasta or a cookery show, I can do it. “When we’re at work, or I’m watching you speak in front of a group of people, I feel like a fan girl with a crush.” Honestly, I’m getting far too good at this speaking-and-sharing thing now.
He laughs. “If you knew how much I was panicking, you wouldn’t think that. And you’re going to be doing that soon.”
I’m presenting the system for bringing in more engineers without a degree to the management team of him, Cath, and Roy next week.
“Can I be a fanboy with a crush?” He kisses me again as his hips flex forward, and somehow, I think he’s done talking.
His hand slides between us as his blue eyes fix on mine, and then those long fingers are where I need them.
He presses, and I gasp, and his eyes crinkle, growing somewhat smug.
He loves doing this to me, making tiny circles with perfect pressure, and my toes curl where I’ve got my legs wrapped around his calves.
He’s moving, too, a slight back-and-forth, but leaving room for his hand.
“James. I’m …”
“Are you close?”
“Yes, I …”
“Oh God, oh God.”
“Please.”
“Oh, please.”
“Right there.”
He lets out a long groan, but he still hasn’t moved his eyes from mine. Watching me, taking it all in.
His fingers press a little harder on my clit, and how well he knows my body, now.
“Come for me, Sadie. Can’t hold back, I …”
And I do. Shattering around him as he groans, and tips his head back, and I feel him pulsing inside me. His head comes down and his eyes meet mine. He brushes his mouth against my cheek, still breathing hard, looking at me—open, hopeful—like I’m the only person left in the world. Maybe I am.