Chapter 13 #4
“Good.” He glanced past me at the atrium, at polished glass and white linen and servers that moved like water. “Just for the record, though? I can absolutely take you.”
“Only if I’ve got one arm tied behind my back,” I said, an answer that felt like old muscle memory.
Cole scoffed, a relieved smile lurking just underneath, as if he’d needed the joke to land before diving into whatever this was. “Mikka’s got this friend,” he said.
His wife, right. Was I about to hear another version of “you need to get laid”? Only that wasn’t the vibe I caught from Cole. I crossed my arms and waited.
“Nice guy,” Cole went on. “Smart, funny, the whole deal. Gay. And he keeps falling for the wrong dudes, you know?” Cole paused to look at me, and—fuck.
Nice guy. Gay. Just a word, casual as anything, hanging there in a room full of donors and teammates, with Stellan sitting under my skin like a fever.
I made myself breathe in. “Okay?”
“Guys who aren’t ready to commit and let it drag on anyway.” Cole lifted one shoulder in an awkward half shrug. “Or straight guys. Mostly straight, whatever. They like the attention, then freak out on him. So Mikka’s friend, he just keeps getting burned.”
I kept breathing. Steady, steady, while all the neatly sorted compartments of my life were wobbling. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because Stellan’s into you,” Cole said.
A statement, not a question. The ground swayed while he continued, a little hesitant.
“And you’re a good guy, Matt. So I’m just giving you a heads-up in case you haven’t clocked it.
Just so you don’t end up hurting him by accident, ’cause I’ve seen that movie.
” Another flicker of a smile, unsure. “Had it crashing on my couch a couple times, in fact. So.”
For one dark second, all I could hear was blood in my ears and a twisted echo of Cole’s words. Straight guys. Mostly straight. Then they freak out. Oh, fuck, no. Not—no. I couldn’t. The whole room glittered like ice under the sun, dizzy spots flashing each time I blinked.
“That’s not what this is,” I said, too fast and sharp.
Cole raised both hands. “Look, I’m not saying you’re doing anything on purpose. But you got him into this room, you jumped into that donor conversation just to help him out. And the way he looks at you…” A pause. “It just seems like the kind of thing that could get somebody hurt.”
I’m straight. He knows that.
I reached for the words and couldn’t hold on to them, slipping like water through my fingers. Fuck. Fuck.
“I don’t even know him that well.” My throat had gone raw, heart clenched tight like a fist. “We’re not friends or anything.”
Cole opened his mouth to say something, whatever, and I steamrolled right over him because, no. If I stopped now, I might trip up and—no.
“He knows what this is,” I said. “He knows I don’t…”
Want him.
Love him.
Fuck.
“Matt,” Cole said, low.
No. Everything too fucking close to the surface. Breathe.
“He’s not—” I cut myself off, tried again. “He’s not stupid. I got them in the room.” My voice echoed hard and ugly in my ears. “Of course he’d be grateful for that. That’s probably all you’re seeing.”
Cole’s face shifted, another attempt to interrupt. No.
“And I’m not—what, you think I’m into that? The attention?” I let out a sharp, disbelieving laugh that scraped along the back of my throat. “Come on, man. It isn’t like that, and he knows it. So, Jesus. He’s not stupid enough to fall for me.”
Silence hit thick and immediate, wrong.
“Matt,” Cole repeated, too quiet. He jerked his chin, just slightly, and something in me pulled to a hard stop.
I turned and… fuck.
Stellan.
Face composed. Mouth neutral. Eyes maybe slightly dimmer than ten minutes ago, but that didn’t mean… Or maybe it did. Because he’d heard at least the end of it, enough for it to land sideways because—because of course it was like that. He and I.
But not here.
Next to me, Cole shifted. “Hey,” he said, warm and slightly careful.
“Sorry.” Stellan’s voice was even. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, but the director wants a photo with Naomi, me, and Matt, if that’s okay. In front of our display.”
“Sure,” I said, ground shifting and nausea lodged tight in my gut. “Okay.”
He nodded. “Cool.”
His expression stayed pleasant and easy, but no smile.
Like he’d slipped on a mask, and fuck, I hated it, hated how it tipped my balance a foot to the left.
Don’t do that. Except I… Well. I’d pulled him into my world, had set the rules and boundaries, had made him sign an NDA. He was just respecting that.
My stomach turned over, fast and mean. “Stellan…”
He sent me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, his black suit as immaculate as his face. “They’re waiting. If we could…?”
“Of course,” I said, and beside me, Cole straightened, silent.
Tomorrow, I thought. Stellan would come over after work, and maybe it would all feel normal by then or maybe we’d talk. Either way, I’d fix it.
I dragged in a breath and followed him back into a crowd of people who didn’t know him. Who didn’t know me either, but liked to pretend they did.
Tomorrow.