20. Friday, June 29, 2012 – Sunday, July 1, 2012
FRIDAY, JUNE 29, 2012 – SUNDAY, JULY 1, 2012
T he next evening, as Julia drove her to Clio’s office, Paige was ambivalent to learn that she would not be spending July Fourth with her father, as previously planned. Clio had promised to try to get Paige to open up about her feelings regarding Kevin, and to explore some more the events of Father’s Day; though of course Clio could not divulge any of Paige’s confidences. But just knowing that Clio, with her gentle ways and the excellent rapport she had built with Paige, would probably get as close to the truth as possible – that reassured Julia’s mom-heart considerably.
With how overwhelmed Julia was, it wasn’t until her relatively quiet Sunday morning that it dawned on her – she hadn’t heard from Alison all week. Normally they texted at least twice a week, if only to trade funny memes. But now Julia realized that since the post-wedding dust-up between William and Mike, which Alison had witnessed, it had been radio silence.
A pang of guilt speared through Julia, despite knowing the estrangement between William and Mike was their business, not hers or Alison’s. But Julia wasn’t angry, and she didn’t want to leave Alison with the impression that she was. So she drew her phone from her pocket.
Hey, Sis! Sorry I’ve been quiet all week. It wasn’t intentional, I promise; I’ve just been slammed with work and life. I hope you’ll be at dinner tonight, because I’d like to talk about what happened at the wedding. ??
She distracted herself from her worries by roping Paige into the weekly aquarium maintenance. Not that it was that hard to convince Paige to help with their beloved pet fish. And it was a good distraction for Paige, too, who positively vibrated with the anticipation of seeing her favorite aunt.
But when Julia still hadn’t heard back from Alison by one o’clock, she sought her mother out in the garden, where she and Robert were hauling in the season’s first tomatoes. When Julia appeared, her mother shielded her eyes from the rare mid-summer sun and peered up at her.
“The heat this year is unbearable!” her mother complained. “But it’s great for the San Marzanos. Best crop I’ve ever seen. Show Mommy, Tadpole!”
The basket Robert came running with nearly overflowed with brilliant red tomatoes. “William’s gonna love these!”
“Ooh, look at those beauties! I bet he’s going to make us the best batch of tomato sauce you’ve ever tasted.”
“Tonight?”
Julia couldn’t help but grin. She found it so heartwarming and poignant that Robert loved tomatoes every bit as much as his father did. “Maybe not tonight, but very soon. Why don’t you carry those into the kitchen?”
Julia waited until he disappeared into the house before turning back to her mother. “Hey, have you heard from Alison?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Today?”
Her mother turned from the Roman cages and peered at Julia from beneath the brim of her sunhat. “Yes, today. Why?”
“Huh. She didn’t answer my text. Is she coming to dinner?”
Slowly and methodically, her mother snapped a single tomato from the vine, all the while studying Julia with narrowed eyes. “Yes, she’s coming tonight. Is there a problem? ”
“No, no problem,” Julia said with forced cheeriness. “Just making sure.”
It would be the first time William saw Alison since the wedding. Julia had no idea how Alison might react to William in the aftermath of those events. Julia and William had talked about it already, and he was prepared for anything.
But when Alison showed up earlier than usual, before William had even arrived, the first thing she did was drag Julia into the den.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” Alison began after shutting the door to the in-law unit. “I’ve been talking all week with Mike.”
“Okay,” Julia said slowly. “How is he?”
“He’s clean and sober, for the moment. That’s not why William hasn’t seen Mike over the past few months.”
“What do you mean?”
Alison gestured to the sofa. “Maybe you should sit down.”
Startled, Julia nevertheless took Alison’s advice, and Alison sat beside her.
“There’s a secret that Mike has been keeping for a long time now,” Alison began. “He gave me permission to tell you because William is going to need a shoulder to lean on after he hears it.”
“Okay,” Julia said hesitantly. She wondered if this was just more of Alison’s histrionics that she occasionally indulged in. “Hears what?”
“Mike is HIV-positive.”
Julia’s stomach plummeted to her toes, and she put her hand to her mouth. So, definitely not histrionics. “Oh my God.”
“I’m sorry to be so abrupt, but I wanted to tell you before William gets here, so you’d have time to process it first.”
“Why?” Julia dropped her hand from her lips. “Wait – Mike’s not here, is he?”
“No,” Alison denied, as if offended Julia would even consider such a thing. As if Alison hadn’t been completely oblivious to other people’s feelings only last Saturday, when she and Mike showed up unannounced to the wedding.
“Then why couldn’t this wait for another day? Why did you have to spring this on me right here, right now? ”
“Because Mike only just this afternoon gave me permission to tell you, and I’m afraid he’ll get cold feet again.”
Julia frowned. “It sounds like he didn’t really want to share that information. Have you been pressuring him?”
“No, Julie, I swear that’s not what this is. He wants to tell William. He’s wanted to all along. Mike looks up to William. He sees how successful William has been at maintaining his sobriety, and he really wants his own sobriety to stick this time. He was trying to reach out to William the night of the wedding, but William’s reaction was so... angry.”
Julia had to admit, William’s harsh response to his brother’s overtures had shocked and intimidated even her . And she didn’t even have any real stake in the outcome.
But did Alison?
“Alison… you and he… you’re not still…” She waved her hand in the air, gesturing vaguely between Alison and a hypothetical Mike.
Alison shrugged. “Well, if nothing else, there’s very little danger in letting him eat me out.”
Julia cringed. “Oh God, Alison! TMI.”
“What? You asked! I mean, if nothing else, he’s literally the only guy I’ve ever known who can keep up with me and my appetites. With the medications, his viral load is undetectable now; and I was already taking PrEP, anyway.” She fixed Julia with a sharp look. “You know that’s a thing now, right?”
“What?”
“The medications. HIV isn’t a death sentence anymore; and with an undetectable viral load, he can’t transmit the virus.”
“Of course I know that,” Julia snapped.
Alison held up her hands. “Okay!”
To Julia’s horror, tears stung her eyes and nose. She gulped them back almost furiously. “Rob and Tim dying was the defining moment of my childhood. You don’t think I’ve kept on top of every single treatment development since then?”
Alison frowned. “Well, how was I supposed to know?”
Julia sat in stunned silence a moment, and then her shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being so defensive. ”
Alison’s brow unfurrowed, and she pulled Julia into one of her signature bear hugs. “Hey. It was a huge trauma for both of us. I get it.”
After a moment, Julia disentangled herself and swiped at the lone tear that had escaped. “So you’re doing all that, for Mike? Taking PrEP, I mean?”
Alison waved her hand dismissively. “Not just for him. You know me, Julie – I’m Princess Polyamory. But I’ve always cared a lot about Mike.”
At a loss for words, Julia said simply, “Wow.”
Alison scoffed at Julia’s reaction. “I mean yeah, he’s a mess personally. But he’ll also give you the shirt off his back. You can call him at four in the morning when no one else is there for you, and I speak from personal experience here. He’s always smiling, even when he’s hurting. Not a cruel bone in his body. As much of an animal as he is, he’s never once made me feel cheap or disrespected me. In fact, he’s one of the few guys who’s ever made me feel good about myself.”
“And you… care care about him?”
Alison squirmed, and it floored Julia. She had never seen her sister like this when talking about a man. “I mean…”
“Alison. This is me you’re talking to. Your loving and beloved sister.”
Alison’s eyes slid back to Julia’s. “Yes. I care care about him. Does that surprise you?”
It was Julia’s turn to fumble for words.
Again, Alison laughed. “Okay, I know he’s not the most intellectual guy, but that’s not because he’s stupid. You know he’s actually pretty fucking smart, right?”
Julia couldn’t help coughing out a laugh. “No, I did not know that.”
“Well, he is .”
To Julia’s dismay, Alison seemed a little offended. “Okay, I admit I don’t know Mike very well. So tell me.”
“Well, for one thing, I’m ninety-nine percent sure he has undiagnosed ADHD.”
Julia frowned, considering. “Will told me it’s bipolar disorder.”
“Yeah, but I think they’ve been treating him for the wrong thing all these years. For one thi ng, he told me the only time he ever feels like a normal person is when he uses meth. Meth is a stimulant, and I know from personal experience that many people with ADHD self-medicate with stimulants. Also, Mike never really gets depressed, like people with bipolar disorder do. He’s one of the happiest people I know. The only time he gets depressed is when he fucks up some relationship, like with William. Or me.”
Julia studied her sister, unblinking. “So he returns your feelings?”
“Is that really so hard to believe?”
“No, of course not! I just didn’t know Mike was capable of feeling that way about anyone.”
Alison lobbed her most withering stink-eye at Julia. “Just because we’re extremely polyamorous doesn’t mean we’re incapable of love.”
“Love,” Julia echoed. “Alison! Do you mean to tell me that you and Mike Quinn are in love ?”
Alison grimaced. “Neither of us would use that terminology, exactly.”
Julia caught her jaw dropping and snapped it shut, but she wasn’t fast enough.
“What, Julia? He’s creative. He’s funny. He’s fun. He’s sexy as fuck.”
“That’s a matter of opinion.”
“Fine; I think he’s sexy as fuck.” A sly grin twisted her mouth. “And holy mother of God, the things he can do with those piercings…”
“Nope.” Julia clapped her hands over her ears. “Nope, nope, nope.”
Alison cackled, and Julia couldn’t help grinning, herself. She knew that Alison enjoyed shocking her.
“But yes, Julia,” continued Alison, “he really is quite smart. He can fix anything mechanical you put in front of him. He can imagine something incredibly detailed and draw it flawlessly the first time. He can play any song on virtually any instrument after hearing it only once. He has perfect pitch. And the lyrics he comes up with, even though he reads at a second grade level... but that’s not his fault. With undiagnosed ADHD, and as hyper as he is, it’s no wonder he never did well in school. ”
“Has he ever been tested for ADHD?”
“Not yet, but I’m going to make him, so he can get on the right meds, finally. He did that for me once, you know?”
“Did what?”
“Oh come on, Julie; you know this! I went through a pretty hardcore meth phase.”
“Al,” Julia gasped. “I swear to God, I did not know that. I mean, I knew you tried it once or twice…”
Alison scoffed. “Once or twice? Julie, when you and I first met the Brothers Quinn, I was on the fast track to becoming a full-blown tweaker. Mike was the clean and sober one back then. He brought me with him to his Narcotics Anonymous meetings. And without him, my life would have gone a very different direction.”
Flabbergasted, Julia tried to think back to that time in their lives. She was Alison’s sister and, in many ways, her best friend. But even she had been totally clueless. “I didn’t know it got that bad.”
“It did. I still think he saved my life. He came and got me one time when I thought I was OD'ing at a rave and I didn’t trust anyone I was with. He stayed with me the whole night and the next day to make sure I was okay. Then he convinced me to get into treatment.” Her face fell. “It’s why I was so heartbroken when I realized he had started using again, back in 2006. We almost lost him back then.”
“I know.” Julia thought back to that long night in the ICU waiting room, holding William’s hand. “But you hadn’t been in touch for a long time before that.”
Alison shrugged. “Things got complicated. We had an understanding that we weren’t exclusive; but then he started acting jealous. I never had any aversion to a romantic relationship with him; I just never wanted to be monogamous.”
“And what about now?”
“Honestly?” After a moment’s consideration, Alison admitted, “I don’t know. I mean sadly, at my age and with my weight gain, I get fewer offers, anyway. Men are assholes. But Mike actually seems to dig my new curves, and when I’m with him I don’t feel like I’m missing out. He really is a fucking god in bed. ”
Julia stuck her fingers in her ears and gave a little ululation. But once Alison’s laughter died down, she nudged Julia’s arm. “What about you? You seem to be walking around with a certain glow these days. Speaking of the Brothers Quinn.”
Julia couldn’t stop either the flush or the stupid grin from spreading across her face.
“There must be something in the water at the Quinn house,” Alison observed. “They need to bottle it and make their first million.”
“Alison, there aren’t enough superlatives in the English language. I’d say it’s the best sex of my life, but of course I only have Kevin to compare it to, so that’s not saying much.”
Alison choked on a guffaw. “Ouch!”
“So instead, I shall boldly assert that it’s the best sex ever had in the history of womankind.”
“That is a bold assertion, especially considering the woman you’re making it to.”
“I’m serious, Al. These orgasms have the capacity to punch a hole in the space-time continuum and create wormholes to another dimension. And they come so easily, pun fully intended.”
“Jesus, okay! I get the idea already.”
“Oh come on, don’t tell me that’s your limit.”
“No; you’re just making me jealous. Be careful or I might steal him from you.”
“Nah; I doubt he’s freaky enough for your taste. You’d better stick with his brother.”
“Well, at least help a girl out – what, exactly, is he doing to put that perma-grin on your face?”
Julia couldn’t help snickering a bit. “It helps that he looks like Will. Oh, and also that he sounds like Will, and smells like Will, and just generally is Will. Basically, I’m Willsexual.”
“Hmm. Sounds a little vanilla for my taste. I’ll take your advice and stick with the cayenne-spiced brother.”
Julia laughed with her, but after a minute, Alison’s smile straightened again.
“Julie, remember when I told you people wear masks like armor? That sometimes it’s ea sier to just go along and act like the idiot everyone thinks you are?”
“Are you saying that’s what Mike does?”
“I know that’s what he does. Or at least, he used to. But I think he really means it this time when he says he’s done with the mask.”
Julia remembered how different Mike seemed at the wedding – not just in terms of his appearance, but also his entire demeanor. Gone was the bro-ish posturing and the cretinous jackhammer-laugh of yore.
“I just really don’t want to violate Mike’s boundaries, Al. Are you really sure he wants me to tell William?”
“Yes. His hesitation wasn’t about telling William; it was about William’s reaction after the wedding. I think it’s important for Mike to have someone besides just his sponsor to turn to. Someone he cares about who’s cheering him on. And Mike loves William; he really does.”
Julia sighed. “Listen, I won't betray William’s confidence by speaking for him. And I can’t make any promises about the outcome. But I will talk to him.”
“I understand. Thank you.”
“Just don’t mention anything about Mike, yourself. Not tonight. Not if you want the best possible outcome.”
Alison mimed zipping and locking her lips, then tossing the key.
“And don’t act all angry or weird around him, either.”
Alison grinned. “Should I sit in the corner all night?”
Julia grinned back. “It couldn’t hurt.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Laughing, Julia grabbed her by the arm. “Come on. Let’s guzzle some of that Cinsaut before my sexy teetotaler gets here.”
When William arrived an hour later, his eyes landed on Alison with a wary edge. But his shoulders relaxed when she smiled and greeted him, if not warmly, then at least cordially. Her easy demeanor continued to assuage his discomfort through the rest of the evening, until she bowed out a little earlier than usual .
“I have to get home to Tallulah Bankhead,” she explained, rising from the patio table.
William lifted an eyebrow. “Tallulah Bankhead?”
“Yeah; she’s diabetic and needs her insulin. For that matter, I’m sure Cyd isn’t happy with me, either.”
“Cyd?”
“She poops in my fuzzy slippers if I stay out too late.”
While Paige and Robert literally collapsed on the ground in a fit of giggles, Julia leaned over and whispered in William’s ear. “Tallulah Bankhead and Cyd Charisse. They’re her cats.”
“Of course they are,” he muttered, and while Alison took leave in her usual cloud of noise, Julia giggled at the bemused expression on William's face.
But once Alison departed, dread of the task her sister had charged her with took up too much real estate in her brain. By the time they finished putting Robert to bed, the gravity of her dread had swelled to black hole proportions.
“Are you okay?” William whispered after they closed Robert’s door and returned to the den. “You seem a bit preoccupied.”
Julia gave a low, humorless laugh. “I’ve been charged with delivering a message.”
William’s brows shot up his forehead. “A message?”
Julia scratched the side of her nose. “Sorry; I, uh...” Suddenly sweaty, she adjusted the scarf around her neck. “Would you like to sit down? This might take a minute.”
William’s eyes scanned her face with obvious worry. Shit. She was already screwing this up.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, forcing a smile until she realized that if it felt fake to herself, it undoubtedly looked fake to him. “Sorry.”
“Julie.” He gently clasped her elbow. “Stop apologizing and relax. It’s just me.”
“Yeah, exactly,” she said drily. “It’s you.”
“Whatever you have to say, I’m right here. Always.”
“But I don’t like to be the bearer of bad news. Especially to you.”
“Bad news?” His alarm increased by the minute. “Julie, what’s wrong? ”
She smacked her clammy forehead. “God, I’m a disaster.” Yanking her scarf off completely, she gestured with it to the sofa. “Let’s sit.”
He obeyed, never once removing his worried stare from her face. They sat side-by-side, angled toward each other, and she took his hands in hers.
“Um... it’s about Mike.”
Something in his gaze hardened a bit, but beneath the armor, she detected a hint of something else. Something like fear.
No, not fear – pain. Or maybe both.
“Alison told me she’s been talking with Mike all week,” she continued, “and, um... she seems to think he really is clean and sober. Apparently he’s in a sober living environment, for now.”
William glowered at a corner of the room and echoed, “For now.”
“She seems to think he’s really committed to sobriety this time.”
“Yeah, he’s said that before.” His tone grew sharper by the minute.
“I know, Will,” she said, gently squeezing his hands, “but this time, he’s had a bit of an extra wake up call.”
He fixed her with a sharp, questioning stare, and there was nothing left to do but recount what Alison had told her.
By the time she got it all out, he was resting his head in his hands, with his elbows on his thighs. She rubbed his back in slow circles and waited for him to finish processing.
Finally, William lifted his head and fixed his eyes on hers. A watery sheen turned them an almost unnatural electric blue.
Julia scooted closer and enfolded him in a hug. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
After she had comforted him in silence a few minutes, William pulled back and clasped Julia's shoulders. “I’m willing to hear Mike out, but I need to talk to my AA sponsor first.”
“That sounds smart.”
“And I won't make any promises about what I can or can’t do for Mike. I can’t help anyone if I don’t keep myself healthy and sane first.”
“I get that, too. Whatever your decision, I support you.” She placed her palms on his cheeks. “And Will? You told me this once, and now it’s my turn to remind you: you’ll never have to be alone in this again.”
He tipped his head. “In what? ”
Julia gestured all around herself. “ This. Life. Challenges. Hardship. I’ll be right there with you through all of those.”
Smiling, he leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on her lips before murmuring, “And in the joys, too, I hope.”
She beamed. “That goes without saying.”