Chapter 20
Fredrik
Iwas despicable. Instead of helping her feel at home, I’d made her so worried that she’d taken down all the beautiful decorations and was now tiptoeing around my kitchen like she was expecting a slap on the wrist at any moment.
“Please touch and move anything you want,” I said. “I mean it. I’m not that picky, I swear. I just have a complicated relationship with Christmas. It was this time of year, you know…” I made a helpless gesture with my hand, and Noelle nodded.
“It’s fine.”
I watched in silence as she familiarized herself with my kitchen, holding back any instructions so I didn’t spook her. After a while, she seemed to relax, and the happy skip in her step returned. Humming a song I didn’t recognize, she made scrambled eggs on toast and brewed a pot of coffee.
Seeing her in my kitchen made a lump rise in my throat. There was so much life in her that she filled the entire room with it. For a moment, I wasn’t alone or sad or angry. She’d taken over my usual vibe, orchestrating this perfect Sunday morning atmosphere. One I didn’t deserve.
When she handed me a plate and a cup, I struggled to find my voice. “Thank you.”
“Do you use milk?”
“I don’t have milk.”
“Black it is,” she concluded, clinking her cup with mine. “I’m good either way.” She took a sip and grimaced.
“How do you do it?” I asked. “How do you settle into someone else’s kitchen… or store? You look so at home.”
You make my house feel like a home.
It took her a few seconds to deduce that I wasn’t criticizing her. I was marveling at her.
Her smile took on a hint of sadness. “I’ve been on the move for a while,” she said. “Your personal space becomes very small, and everything outside of it is just… facilities.”
“I can’t even imagine.” I shook my head and forked some eggs into my mouth. “This is delicious. It’s been a while. My ex… my wife… she didn’t cook that much, but she loved to eat out. Sunday brunch, that sort of thing.”
“What happened?”
Her question caught me off guard. “With what?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” she said, looking worried again. “Or maybe I do. But nobody’s told me anything, and I can’t stop imagining scenarios. Like really weird and horrific ones. If you told me, I could maybe stop scaring myself.” She shot me an apologetic look.
It made no sense.
“Are you serious? You’ve been hanging out with my sister, Eileen, and the rest of the town’s busybodies, and nobody has told you about my past?”
She shook her head so hard a piece of egg went flying from her fork. “No! I swear. They’re super secretive about it and keep saying it would be best if I heard it from you.” Her blush told me the rest.
Of course. The ladies had decided to set us up. It was the only reason anyone in Hideaway Harbor would withhold gossip. The town of true love, blah blah blah.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, though!” Noelle rushed to add. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m just—”
“Curious,” I finished for her.
Her blush intensified, and her gaze briefly dipped to my lips.
“I will try to control my curiosity,” she said, her voice a little husky. “I’ve learned my lesson.”
“What lesson was that?”
“That… I tend to freak you out.”
Freak me out?
“What do you mean?” I felt defensive.
Her eyes widened in panic. “No! I meant I tend to say the wrong thing. And do the wrong thing. Like I’m doing right now. My brain’s not quite right.”
She looked alarmed, like she’d done something unforgivable and had to atone for it. Which, again, made no sense.
I gathered our dishes to put them away, joining her by the sink.
She looked at me like she didn’t know whether to flee or cry, and my chest ached.
I grabbed her hands to make sure she stayed.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Noelle.
I struggle with change, but that’s my issue. I’m the fucked-up one here, not you.”
The tears glistening in her eyes instantly spilled over, and I felt my own misting in response. “Who’s told you these lies?” I asked. “Who said your brain’s not right? Because I think you’re incredibly smart and capable, and you haven’t said half the nonsense most people spew on a daily basis.”
Her words came out between sniffs and hiccups. “I ask insensitive questions… I can really kill the mood… and embarrass people. Spencer would be giving me this look, and I knew I’d done it again.”
Okay. Something was finally making sense.
In the absence of napkins, I handed her a kitchen towel.
She didn’t need my help with it, but I wanted so desperately to keep touching her that my hands lingered, tucking strands of her hair behind her ears and using my thumb to catch wayward tears. She didn’t push me away.
“I know I’m no picnic,” I said. “But this Spencer guy sounds like a gaslighting sociopath.”
She looked up, confused. “Why would you say that?”
I let go of her face and took a step back. “It’s a way to control someone. Make them feel like they’re failing and pose as their savior.”
“But… You’ve never even met Spencer! And I’ve already made you uncomfortable multiple times. Why would you assume there’s something wrong with him?”
“Well… the gossip seems to be flowing freely in one direction here because I’ve seen that article where he talked about you like stolen property.
And it seems you’re willing to suffer nearly anything, including living illegally at the back of a tiny store, to avoid going back to Bangor and facing him, right? A guy like that can’t be good news.”
She stared at the stove, frowning. “I’m not scared of him. But I don’t want to face everyone. It’s too awkward.”
I saw the way her shoulders stiffened. She was scared. A lot more scared than she wanted me to know.
“Maybe you should be a little scared of him,” I said softly. “It sounds like he’s looking for you.”
A visible shudder went through her, and she grasped the edge of the counter. “It’s okay. I’ll get back out to sea. He’ll never find me.”
My throat felt tight. My hand hovered in the air, desperate to touch her. “You can’t live like that.”
Her eyes were defiant. “Sure, I can. I like it.”
She was lying to herself.
“You like being stuck in a floating hotel, occasionally sleeping with the fat, old pirate because of ship goggles?”
She smiled. “Yes. He’s an excellent lover. He always takes off his hook before he handles my… business.”
“That’s considerate. Not mauling a woman is a sign of a great lover. Does he also shower?”
She laughed, but as her amusement fizzled out, her voice turned pensive.
“I never slept with anyone on the ship. I only worked. It’s great because you don’t have to think.
Everything is scripted, and you know exactly where to be at any given time.
You just follow the program. But it’s also tiring and monotonous, and I feel like… ”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m not really home. I’m not even fully alive, you know? I’m existing in a vacuum.”
“That’s sad.”
She smiled again. “That’s why I love Hideaway Harbor! I can hide here, too, but it feels way more real. People are not passing by, pretending to live here. They really live here. There’s past, present, and future, all happening in the same place. And everyone cares so much. About everything.”
“They do.” I sighed. “Hideaway is its own funny ecosystem. People get quite wrapped up in it.”
“I’ve noticed.”
I felt like apologizing for whatever she’d experienced so far, but she didn’t look weirded out. She looked happy, like she wanted to be part of it.
“They love you here,” I said. “They’re like vampires when it comes to young blood arriving in town.”
“I don’t mind.” She shrugged, smiling like she was more than happy to feed the vampires. “It’s way better than constantly making people uncomfortable.”
I shifted a little closer. How could I make her believe she wasn’t making me uncomfortable?
And even if she was, I probably needed it, like a good gym workout after sitting still.
I needed discomfort. I couldn’t even begin to describe what it meant to see her here, in my house.
Like I’d just woken from a long sleep and suddenly noticed I was still alive, and time was running out.
“I bet I can make you way more uncomfortable than you’ve ever made me.” I grinned, raising my eyebrows, and leaned so close that I felt the warmth of her body. “I won’t even have to try.”
It was a gamble. I held my breath, watching for her face, ready to retreat if she showed any signs of true discomfort. But if she really thought she was the only one saying or doing the wrong thing, I could put her mind at ease.
Noelle held my gaze for a long moment, her disbelief slowly morphing into fiery excitement. She flashed me a smile she probably intended as wicked. It was adorable. “You’re on! No one beats me at awkwardness!”
“Great! Let’s heat the sauna.”