Chapter 36
Fredrik
Iheld my fingers under her chin, holding my breath. She’d come into my life like a lightning bolt of sunshine and color. Would she go and take it all away?
“What’s holding you back?” I asked, trying to swallow the terror I felt.
“So you can fix it?” Her eyebrows gathered in concern. “You can’t fix everything, Fredrik. Some things, you just have to accept.”
I thought I’d needed to fix the circumstances, remove every obstacle out of her way so she’d stay.
But she had doubts. If I pushed harder, she’d run.
I could feel it. Maybe we’d gone about this all wrong, playing house and pretending tomorrow wasn’t coming.
And of course, inviting her family behind her back, which in hindsight was incredibly stupid.
We were both woefully unprepared for the real world. Me, the socially inept hermit, and her, the restless spirit, only in town for the holidays. We weren’t compatible. This was another woman I couldn’t hold on to. If I guilted her into staying, I’d end up killing her, just like I’d killed Elora.
Steeling myself, I let go of her and opened the front door. “Okay, go. I’ll cancel plans with your family. I’m being selfish. I’m holding on to you because I need you. But I don’t want you to stay because of that.”
I waited, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to see her walk away. I didn’t want that memory. She took the door handle from me. The cold air from the street hit me, sending a chill to my bones. Finally, I heard the door close, and I opened my eyes.
She hadn’t left.
She stood right in front of me, looking up in earnest. “You know I’ll probably mess up your life. You’ll have to deal with a lot.”
My chest ached at the sudden hope. “I’d rather have your issues than go on without you. Even if I only had your issues.”
“You don’t mean that.” She shook her head, unbelieving. But I saw my own hope reflecting in her eyes.
“I do.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck. “You can have kisses with the issues.”
Her lips found mine. Searching. Discovering. I grabbed her waist and pulled her into a deep kiss. She softened against me, and I softened my hold.
Eventually, she pulled back, her mouth curving a little. “And I’m going to need to review that employment contract.”
I turned around to get my laptop, but she grabbed my cardigan.
“Not right now, you silly man. First, I need you to come upstairs with me. We have to talk about that bed. I mean, I’m dating this guy.
He’s pretty tall and has these big wood-chopping muscles, and I’m afraid that bed is not big enough for us.
I’m flexible on the kitchen, but I’m going to need at least a queen.
Otherwise, I can’t even consider this job offer.
Because I’m so in love with him, I want to stay with him every night.
Sometimes, it’s not practical to stay at his place, you know? He might have to stay over.”
Relief flooded every nook of my body. My heart glowed like it was made of light. “You’re so in love with him, huh?”
She took my hand and pulled me toward the stairs. “I hope that doesn’t make me a bad hire because I’ll be daydreaming about him and will probably get so distracted, I’ll order way too many romance books.”
“I heard your employer is very laid-back and understanding. He knows what it’s like. All those hormones.”
“Exactly! It’s insane.” She skipped up the stairs, turning around to wait for me. “Oh my God! Are you okay? Can you even walk?”
I held the banister, trying to breathe through the pain. “Walk, yes. Just struggling a bit with stairs.”
My chest ached so much I could barely speak. I’d already been up those stairs once and survived. But I must have angered my body, and it was fighting back.
She scurried back down to where I stood, her eyes watery. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t think. You need to rest. Does it hurt more when you’re sitting or standing? What about lying down?”
“I’m fine with sitting and standing. And I can lie down, but I need to avoid too much movement.”
I leaned on the wall, trying to find a somewhat comfortable angle.
I didn’t want her to see how much pain I was in.
If I could have made it up the stairs without passing out, I would have.
I wanted nothing more than to lay her down on that bed and give her everything. She deserved so much better than this.
“You really need help,” she said thoughtfully, placing a hand gently on my chest. “How did you drive here?”
“I… snuck out. Felicity and Jackson have been taking turns watching me, but today, they were busy working, so I promised I’d stay home. If I move slowly, I’m okay. I just need to rest for a bit, and I can drive home.”
“I’ll drive you home! I need to call Felicity and find out what your doctor’s orders are.”
“No, it’s fine. I can—”
“Fredrik!” Her eyes burned with passion. “I want to take care of you. I want to be needed, not just a nice-to-have.”
She looked so happy and hopeful, like this was what she’d been looking for, a man who couldn’t get up the stairs.
“You are absolutely vital. An essential element that sustains life on the planet. Or at least within my rib cage.”
She let out an easy laugh. “Good.”
“And please take over all this Christmas stuff. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what your family is expecting, and it’s stressing me out so much I’m having nightmares.”
She chuckled. “I can’t believe you invited everyone to your house. You don’t even like people.”
“I like you. And I know I can’t have you without accepting everything that comes with it. Your past, your present, and your future.”
“If that’s from one of your Russian classics, I might consider putting some on my Tbr.”
“Well, according to Dostoevsky, to love is to suffer, so maybe you want to stick to romance.”
Smiling, she took my hand and led me to the door. Slowly. Gently. “You’re suffering for love right now. Does it make you feel connected to the 19th-century greats?”
I scoffed. “I just feel sore and stupid.”
She locked the door behind us, then handed me the key. “I’m sorry I copied this. Grace thought it might sell the idea that we’d left town, but we still needed to use the bathroom. It was a stupid plan.”
“It worked, until I found your damp towel.”
“Ha! I thought we were being so careful.” She gestured at the Christmas store. “I have to go tell Grace. She’ll be worried sick. I left for a bathroom trip, and I’ve been away for a long time.”
“Of course. You go ahead. I’ll catch up.”
She wouldn’t leave my side. “No. It’s slippery out here, and you’re disabled.”
My chest felt hot, but it wasn’t from the broken rib.
It was the emotion building up and boiling over.
Because I’d never felt this. Elora hadn’t been the nurturing type.
She’d been stimulating and fun, but not someone you’d lean on.
I’d been trying to support her and make her happy.
I’d tried so hard. But I’d never had someone like this in my life.
Someone who drew joy from being needed. Being helpful.
Noelle opened the door to her shop and poked her head in. “Grace! It’s me. I have news!”
I heard a female voice say something inside, and Noelle pulled me into the store, closing the door behind us.
A small light was set up on a picnic blanket in the middle of the floor.
The entire shop had been turned into a small indoor camp, with mattresses and pillows, a portable hot plate, and bottles of water.
How on earth did they cook without running water?
The whole setup made me think of a zombie apocalypse, with the last remaining humans hiding in abandoned buildings.
Grace was a small, bright-eyed Korean woman with long black hair and a sophisticated white-and-beige outfit. Nothing about her said “zombie apocalypse.”
“This is Fredrik,” Noelle told her, then turned to me. “And this is my friend Grace.”
She shook my hand, her eyes assessing me. “She’s in love with you.”
“Good,” I said. “I’m in love with her.”
Grace turned to Noelle, her eyes a little sad. “You’re not coming with me after all?”
Noelle burst into tears. “Please don’t hate me! I’m messing you around, and you came all the way here.”
“It’s okay.” She nodded, her eyes cast down.
I pulled Noelle into my arms.
“Do you have to leave right away?” I asked Grace. “Can you stay for Christmas?”
“I have to get to Bar Harbor for Sunday, and no buses are going because it’s Christmas. The last one leaves tomorrow. And I have to find someone else to take Noelle’s place. They’re expecting two servers.”
Noelle tensed against me, wiping her eyes. “What if you can’t find anyone? Do you lose your job?”
She shrugged and pulled out her phone. “Let’s see what they say. I’ll message them now. We’ll probably hear back tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry about the bus. Noelle can take my car and drive you. I’d do it myself, but I’m not supposed to drive at the moment. Get your things. You’re coming to my house. I don’t want anyone sleeping in here. This is depressing.”
“Oh, Grace, please! It’ll be so nice!” Noelle cast a pleading look at her friend. “His house is huge.”
Grace raised her eyebrows. “I guess I should check you out. Make sure you’re good enough for her.”
“Absolutely,” I agreed.
Great. Now I’d invited her parents, her sister, and her best friend. I was starting to worry there wasn’t enough snow-pushing in the world to save me from all the awkward peopling this Christmas, especially when I wasn’t allowed to do anything strenuous.
We bundled into the car, Grace sliding into the back seat. On the way to my house, my phone pinged. Noelle was driving, so I checked the message.
Jackson: You need firewood or fire starters? We’re clearing a tree that fell on the road, and there’s a lot here.
“What is it?” Noelle asked.
I relayed the message to her, and she perked up.
“Do they have pine cones? We’ve been looking at craft tutorials with Grace, and there was one for pine cone fire starters. They burn in beautiful colors!”
“I don’t know. Do you want me to ask?”
“Yes! If I’m staying here, I want to drop off Christmas presents for everyone! I’ve been making things, but I don’t have enough, and those pine cones would make such cute gifts.”
“What do you need for them?”
“Beeswax, I think. Maybe some colors.” Her shoulders sagged as she slowed down to turn toward the road leading to Locke Heights. “Not the easiest things to source, I guess. Forget about it.”
“Jackson uses beeswax for restoring wood. He’d have lots of it.”
“Really?”
I loved the excitement on her face. I’d do anything to keep it there.
Fredrik: Please bring small twigs and as many pine cones as possible, as well as beeswax. Pretty please.
Jackson: Two pleases? Is this for a woman?
Fredrik: How did you know? [tongue-out emoji]
Jackson: What? Did she crawl out of her hiding place? Did you close the deal?
Fredrik: She’s with me, and we’re driving to my place. Need pine cones and beeswax, stat. She wants to make fire starters. [eye-roll emoji]
Jackson: I’ll make it happen.
“He’ll bring everything,” I told Noelle.
“So far, so good,” said Grace from the back seat.
Noelle gave me a cautious sideways look. “You know we’ll be taking over your kitchen and probably ruining a perfectly fine cooking pot or something. And then I’ll need your help driving around, dropping them off. I don’t know where anyone lives.”
“That’s okay.”
She’d be in my house, making it feel like a home. If that meant she’d open the door to a hundred other people I had to tolerate, it was still worth it. She was worth it.