Chapter 38
Noelle
Fredrik closed the door behind us, taking my shoulders. “Breathe. Relax.”
“Aren’t you the one supposed to be doing breathing exercises?”
“Yes. But I’m not as critical as you.” He fixed me with a concerned stare. “If you get any more anxious, you’ll self-combust during dessert. There’ll be little pieces of Noelle scattered across my sister’s apple pie, and she’ll be quite upset.”
He placed his fingers under my lower jaw, feeling my racing pulse.
So I was a little tense. “I want this to go well. Because if our families don’t get along—”
“Then they don’t. Then we limit contact. But so far, everyone’s fine.”
Everyone except me, I thought. I was the one making them uncomfortable. That was why he’d pulled me aside. I was failing, again.
“I’ve tried to hold my tongue so I don’t offend anyone or ruin anything.” I drew in a shuddering breath, gazing at him in panic. “But I’m still the problem.”
Maybe dating with benefits was the best I could ever have. A secret relationship with no public component. No families.
He held my face, leaning on me so we stumbled backward against the door.
“Noelle. You have to hear me. I didn’t drag you away to tell you off.
I brought you here so I could help you relax.
I love you. I want you to feel at ease, especially with family.
Especially at Christmas.” He sighed so loudly it was almost a growl.
“What this Spencer guy did to you… I should have broken his jaw!”
“Are you saying you held back?”
The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I did. And I know hurting him won’t fix anything. But I still feel like I should have taken a proper swing.”
Sandwiched between the door and his warm body was my current favorite place in the universe. With every breath, I felt more grounded. Protected. And desired.
He leaned closer, still holding those fingers against the soft hollow of my neck, observing each heartbeat.
My pulse was settling, but I wasn’t that mellow.
His mouth hovered an inch above mine, and desire surged through me.
We hadn’t had a moment alone since he’d found me in the bookstore.
He’d fallen asleep upright, propped up with pillows and dosed with pain meds, and I’d stayed up late to prepare the next day’s party with Grace.
“You know this door is locked, right? And nobody is coming to find us.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I made a deal with Felicity that she’d take care of them if I needed a moment. I wasn’t sure if you’d need a moment, too, but I think she figured that out.”
His lips landed on mine, and I melted into that kiss. No part of me held back. I opened up, meeting his tongue, moaning out of sheer need. He hiked up my dress, and his hand brushed up my thigh, cupping my ass. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this. How much I’ve thought about this.”
“But your rib…” I lost all words as that hand reached in, his fingers grazing my delicate flesh through the thick stockings.
Damn stockings. I was dressed like one of the elves I’d crocheted.
“Don’t worry about my ribs,” he grunted, pressing his erection against my throbbing clit.
I loved seeing him in flannel. It channeled some kind of lumberjack sexual energy I found irresistible. He kissed me again, his tongue as desperate as our bodies to get closer and not leave any air between us. My excitement built, turning into a deep, throbbing need.
He couldn’t lift me, though, and I knew lying down made his chest hurt.
“How would you like an ass print on that antique dresser of yours?” I asked as we came up for breath.
I glanced at the old piece of furniture, which seemed the perfect height.
“Put a bow on it, and it’ll be the best Christmas present I’ve ever had.”
Before he could make a move, I slid out of his reach, wiggled out of my stockings and panties, and hopped up on the dresser. I didn’t have to wait for him. Before I could lift the hem of my dress, he stood between my thighs, rolling it up for me. “You’re doing all the work.”
“I care about your health.” I smiled, popping the button on his jeans.
He took over undressing. The hard-on that sprang free was so impressive I blinked at it, frozen for a second. The flannel shirt split on each side of it like theater curtains.
“I’m actually desperate for you,” he said. “I was scared for a minute there that I’d come in my pants.”
“You can still sound like a foghorn if you want.” I bit my lip.
I’d never seen anyone that far gone. That much in need. There was something so hot and beautiful about it. So vulnerable. Yet he held back, trying to crouch down to take care of me.
“No. Stand up. Use your fingers,” I said firmly.
I was already so charged that a breath could have sent me over the edge. As his fingers circled me, my breath turned into gasps, and I grabbed the edge of the dresser. Forget ass prints. This dresser would need to be treated for hot liquid stains.
“More,” I murmured. “A little closer.”
He made the circles smaller, gently brushing over my clit. I shook from head to toe.
“Pressure.”
“Oh my God. Noelle. You’re so wet.”
I couldn’t believe I was telling him what to do.
“Now,” I told him. “I need you now.”
I raised my knees, and he thrust into me.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and breathed through the sensation.
The fullness. The pressure. It was perfect, and it was doing its thing.
I tilted my hips, and he followed my lead, pumping into me, making sparkles erupt behind my eyelids like thousands of Christmas lights.
I was coming. I was coming so hard I lost all sense of time and place.
I didn’t know who I was anymore, and it didn’t matter.
I was happy and secure and one with the universe. I was home.
He groaned, and I felt his orgasm inside me as he held me, shaking. I clung to him, my whole body pulsing in sync with his. He didn’t let go. He didn’t rush me. And as we held there, I felt my pulse gradually slowing down until I was almost sleepy.
“I love you so much,” he whispered into my hair.
“I love you too.” I sniffed, swallowing a sudden ball of tears in my throat. “Don’t lift me,” I warned him, sliding off the dresser.
He raised his arms. “I also love it when you take charge.”
I met his drowsy, adoring eyes and smiled back, feeling a little different. A little bolder. A bit more like myself. Like I’d been as a child, secure in my soul. When doing your best was enough for a gold star. When I knew I was adored, just as I was.
We cleaned up and got dressed, but I left the dresser the way it was. So what if someone figured out we were having sex? I was happy, and I wasn’t hiding anymore.
“I feel better,” I said as I smoothed my hair in front of his mirror. “Way more relaxed. What kind of sorcery was that?”
He chuckled. “The accidental kind, I suppose. I’m just a man who’s been thinking about your pussy all day.”
“Wow.” I cocked an eyebrow, feeling a little flustered. “Where’s that fancy English degree now?”
“Void,” he said. “I’ve been reduced to a blabbering puddle of need.”
“With a horny caveman vocabulary?”
He laughed, drawing me into his arms. “Yep. Only three thoughts in rotation. Must protect my woman. Must keep her fed and happy. Must fill her with my seed. Must reproduce.”
A shiver ran through me. “That was four.”
“Oops.” He grinned.
“Do you want kids?” The question slipped out in my usual style, bypassing all retrofitted filters.
“We can talk about that later.”
“No. What if it’s a dealbreaker? I… I…” I had to be brave enough to tell him. “I want to be a mom. It’s important. I don’t want to wait forever, either. I’m sorry—”
He silenced me with his fingers, shaking his head.
“Do not apologize. It was the one thing we fought about the most with Elora. She didn’t want kids, and it drove us apart.
” He sighed, looking out the window. “This is good. We should talk about it. I’m so used to avoiding that subject to maintain peace. But you’re right. It’s important.”
“She didn’t want kids, but you…” I held my breath.
He met my gaze, his eyes full of conviction. “Whenever you’re ready.”
I sighed as another piece of our puzzle clicked into place. “Not yet,” I said firmly. “But I’ll let you know.”
When we walked down the hallway, I heard squeals of laughter. We found everyone sitting by the fire with drinks in hand, talking animatedly. All the seats were taken, with Kailee and Grace on the rug in front of the fire.
Felicity raised her glass of mulled cider. “There’s still some apple pie left. I put the ice cream back in the freezer.”
“Thank you.”
I tried to wipe the guilty look off my face, but as we walked past her, she grabbed my arm, grinning. “Those breathing exercises are truly amazing! You both look so much better.”
“Yeah, they’re great.” My face flushed.
“I haven’t done breathing exercises with anyone in a long time.” She downed her drink and sighed. “I miss them.”
“Oh! Jackson said he’d come by tonight to drop off a present,” Fredrik told her.
Felicity’s eyes narrowed. “And what made you think of him?”
Fredrik shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you were thinking of him. I was having a psychic moment.”
“I don’t have a present for him,” Felicity spat out and returned to the rest of the party.
“Is there something going on between them?” I asked Fredrik.
He looked as baffled as I felt. “It’s… something.”
We’d just finished our desserts when the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it.” Felicity headed to the front door with a full-blown frown.
“Jackson’s going to get a dose of Christmas spirit,” Fredrik whispered, following his sister.
My curiosity bubbling up in full force, I shadowed them, standing back in the hallway.
I heard Jackson’s cheery voice from the door. “Merrrrry Christmas!!”
“What the fuck are you wearing?” Felicity asked.
I edged a little closer to get a peek at his outfit. It was a Santa costume, but with a red velvet coat several sizes too small, revealing most of his muscled, bare chest.
“It’s Christmas tomorrow. My clothes are entirely appropriate. And… this is for you.” He handed her something the size of a microwave in golden gift wrap.
“What?”
“Nothing for me?” Fredrik asked. I could hear the smile in his voice.
“I’m dressed as a slutty Santa. You don’t want what’s in my bag.”
“I don’t think I want it either,” Felicity grumbled.
“No. Open it!” Jackson pleaded. “And can we do it inside? The snow is getting into my underwear.”
They closed the door, and Felicity tore open the package, gasping in shock. “Is this a… safe?”
“It’s really easy to use. Choose a code, program it in, and don’t tell anyone. No one will ever take your stuff again. I can also bolt it into your van if needed.”
I’d never seen Felicity speechless. To be precise, I didn’t see her face from where I was standing, but the silence that followed was potent.
“Thank you,” she finally uttered.
Jackson waved his hand, wished us all happy holidays, and left. I ran to Felicity, taking the heavy safe from her before Fredrik did something stupid and gentlemanly.
“You weren’t expecting this?” I lowered the gift onto the hall table, giving her a moment to gather her wits.
“No,” she said. “I don’t know what game he’s playing.”
“I think… he’s hoping to do some breathing exercises with you.”
Fredrik caught my eye, looking half alarmed, half excited, probably thinking of what we’d been doing.
Felicity blew a forceful breath. “Well, I won’t be exercising with him anytime soon.”
We watched her stomp down the hallway.
“I think they’d be great together. What’s her problem?” I asked Fredrik.
“They go way back. It’s complicated.”
“I get that it’s weird for you. Your best friend and your sister. But something’s clearly going on. Wouldn’t it be better if they were… um… breathing together and not killing each other?”
Fredrik turned to me, and the conflicted expression on his face shifted into pure joy. “I don’t know. But is it bedtime yet? I think I’ll need to do my exercises again very soon. Doctor’s orders.”
I stepped so close I was flush against his chest. “Doctors may give orders, but I’ll be your nurse carrying them out. You’ll do exactly as I say.”
He smiled so widely my heart ached. “You’re my every fantasy wrapped up in one candy cane package, Noelle. Anything you say goes.”
“Then I say, let’s sneak out right now. I can help you heat the sauna.”
“I do need help with that.” He gave me a meaningful look. “You know I’m not allowed to carry firewood.”
We put on our boots, coats, and wool hats, and hurried through the living room to the back door, grinning very tellingly at our families.
“We’ll just go heat the sauna,” Fredrik told them.
“I’ll carry the firewood,” I announced, biting back on my smile. “Because he’s not allowed.”
“Have fun!” Felicity gave us a knowing look, lifting a huge glass of wine. “It’s a great place for breathing exercises.”
“You have a sauna?” My mom sat up, ecstatic.
“Sure do. It’ll take about half an hour to heat,” Fredrik said.
“Or maybe forty-five minutes,” I blurted, my face hot.
Holly grinned. “In forty-five minutes, you’ll heat it twice.”
Fredrik coughed into his sleeve, diving behind my back to open the door.
“Don’t use protection!” my dad yelled. “I want grandkids while my knees are still good for walking.”
They all burst out in laughter, and I skipped out the door Fredrik was holding for me, feeling lighter than air.
The fresh snow sparkled under starlight, and my breath sent out smoke signals into the sky.
Not even the freezing cold could get to me.
I was living my own Christmas miracle, and there was nowhere else I’d rather be.