Chapter 30
BLAKE
I walk the upper hallway for what feels like the millionth time. I can hear the older boys calling for Harley and Kendall, searching every nook and cranny in this monstrous house to try and find the girls.
But they’re not here.
I can feel it in my gut.
They took off outside.
A wounded, sad Harley walking away, and my precious little three-year-old following right behind her. They were probably holding hands, Kendall thinking it was some big adventure.
Why would she do that?
Just take off without telling anyone?
Because you never check that kid.
Because you let her do whatever she wants.
Why would she ask your permission?
I squeeze my eyes shut, pausing when I hear a voice softly singing.
Pressing my ear to Wily and Satch’s bedroom door, I listen to the sweet lullaby.
Satch is singing Paris to sleep. I’m pretty sure she knows what’s going on, but she can’t put that stress on her baby, so she’ll fight back her worry until Paris is blissfully asleep, and then she’ll join us in fretting over two little girls who are out there in the freezing cold.
Shit!
Paris is so lucky.
All of Wily’s kids are lucky.
They have the best parents. So dedicated and organized. So obviously keen to be in this role.
And all poor Nichelle and Kendall have is me.
They’ve got the best dad in the world. My gorgeous man, out there in the cold, no doubt leading the way and using his tracking skills to find those two girls. In that sense, I’m not worried. He’ll find our babies.
But in what condition?
Shit, shit, shit!
I shouldn’t have gotten distracted by that phone call!
With a heavy sigh, I head back downstairs, bumping into Nylah at the bottom of the stairwell. Portia is pressed against her leg, still recovering from her traumatic meltdown. I’ve never heard a kid cry so loud. It really unsettled the others, but thankfully Wily managed to distract them.
He’s taken them down to the rec room, and I don’t know what they’re doing in there, but I’m going that way to give him some backup, because I can’t keep searching this house.
“Hi.” I stop on the bottom step.
Nylah gives me a weak, tight smile.
“How are you holding up?”
She blinks, her shoulder hitching while she avoids looking at me.
Shit. She’s pissed off. At me.
And she has a right to be.
I told her I’d find her kid.
And while I was busy chatting with Dani, those girls were probably sneaking out the back door.
My little Kenny.
She’s so tiny.
And she’s not even wearing a jacket!
Shit, shit, shit!
I wish Maverick was here. Our German shepherd would find her in a heartbeat. He would have gone with her in the first place, or at least started barking when she left the house. I obviously rely on him way too much.
Ugh! I can’t believe our dog is a better parent than I am!
“You’re spiraling,” Nylah murmurs. “I can see your eyes glazing over.” Her fingers lightly dig into the top of Portia’s shoulder. “Don’t. Okay? We need to keep it together.”
Her voice is quiet, but there’s a steely glint in her eyes. If her kid wasn’t right there, she’d be yelling at me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
Closing her eyes, she shakes her head. “It’s not… it’s not your fault.”
“Not entirely, but I got distracted, and I should have followed through on what I said I’d do. I just never thought they’d…” I point toward the direction of the back door, my voice hitching. “Go outside.”
My words break apart, and tears burn my eyes.
“Keep it together,” Nylah softly reminds me before taking Portia’s hand and edging past me to head upstairs.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her again, and she gives me another stiff smile.
Shit!
That’s all the forgiveness I’m gonna get right now, and I should be grateful for it. She’s dealing too. Her baby girl is missing just as much as mine, and I can’t be some needy friend begging her to wipe my guilt away.
I fucked up.
And now I have to live with this ugly feeling in my chest.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I shuffle to the rec room and find Wily sitting on the couch, watching over the kids who are scattered around the room in little clumps.
Jane and Charlotte are coloring while Nichelle is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Seb and Olly. All three of them are giggling, but there’s a subdued edge to their play. I feel like one of them is on the cusp of losing it if something goes wrong.
Wily’s jaw clenches when he sees me, and I stop in the middle of the room, trying to analyze his expression and figure out if he’s pissed off at me too.
Does everyone blame me for this?
Does—
“I’m guessing you didn’t have any luck upstairs?” His voice is a soft rumble.
I shake my head. “The boys are still looking, though, and I’m sure Satch will join the search once Paris is down.”
Wily nods, running a tongue over his upper teeth.
Gripping my biceps, I can’t help a soft whimper, the tears I’ve been fighting suddenly flooding my eyes.
I cover my mouth with my hand just as Wily rises from his chair. Heading straight for me, he wraps me in one of his all-enveloping bear hugs. I cling to my brother, pushing my cheek against his chest and whimpering again.
“I screwed up so badly. If they don’t find those girls safe and well, I will never forgive myself.” My voice is all muffled by his sweater, but he still hears me.
“This isn’t your fault.”
“It is,” I argue. “Everybody knows it. They’re just too nice to say it to my face.”
“Blake, that’s not true.” He rubs my back, guiding me farther away from the children so they don’t have to witness my meltdown.
If the adults lose it, they’ll really know something is wrong.
Though they already do know something is really wrong. Portia made that abundantly clear to everyone.
It’s a miracle Nichelle’s not losing it.
Peeking around my brother, I spot her turning this way, then want to kiss Seb for quickly distracting her.
“Hey, Shelly. Look at this!” He pulls a crazy face, and she laughs. “Now you do one.”
“Your children are so amazing,” I whisper, giving Wily a tear-filled smile.
“Yeah, well, you can thank Satch for that.” Wily’s lips curl as he glances across the room and watches Seb entertain the little ones like a pro.
“That’s not true. You’re an amazing dad.”
“Yeah, I am.” He grins down at me. “I seriously love it, though. They make it easy to be a great dad.”
I huff and shake my head. “Parenting has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I really suck at it, Wiles.”
“No, you don’t.” My brother moves away from me with a frown. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I do.” I flick my hand up. “It’s hard and exhausting and demanding and relentless. It’s emotionally draining. Like all the time.”
Wily’s eyebrows pucker. “All the time? You mean you never have fun with your kids? You never enjoy their company?”
He lowers his voice, and I lean in close so we can whisper to each other. “Of course I have fun sometimes. My girls are gorgeous and funny and…” I shake my head. “But it’s hard work, you know? Grady makes it look so easy, and I feel like I’m constantly struggling.”
“It’s not easy,” Wily admits. “Some days are really hard.”
“Yeah, right.” I roll my stinging eyes. “Your angelic children would never think to just take off without telling you.”
“Kendall’s three,” he deadpans. “I can imagine Seb doing that to us when he was three.”
“But he didn’t. Because you guys are there and alert and engaged.” I huff. “I’m distracted and too busy taking phone calls.”
“Hey, stop that.” Wily’s big hand curls around my pigeon wrist. Giving it a light shake, he encourages me to look at him, and as soon as our eyes connect, he gives me an emphatic look. “It was not your sole responsibility to find Harley.”
“But I told Nylah I would. And maybe if I’d actually followed through, I could have seen them leaving or—”
“We can’t change any of that now,” he cuts me off. “And there are seven other adults in this house who missed them sneaking out as well. This is not all on you.”
I let out a watery scoff, dipping my chin and blubbering, “Kendall probably gave Harley the idea to go in the first place. That kid can be such a little rat bag. She’s got a mind of her own.”
“Just like her mama, huh?” Wily teases me with a wink.
I blubber out a laugh. “I was never allowed to have a mind of my own.” My expression crumples.
“And that’s probably why I let her get away with so much.
Because I never want to be the type of parent who puts all this pressure on my kids.
I want them to be free to be themselves and express themselves in a way I never could. ”
“Blake…” Wily pauses to smile at me. “You’re nothing like Mom or Dad.”
“That was the goal.” I sigh.
His left eyebrow arches. “They’re not the world’s worst parents, you know?”
“Yeah,” I softly whine. “But I never felt like I could breathe around them. I was always checking myself. I still do. Any family function, there’s this underlying tension riding through me. And I don’t want that for my girls. I want them to be happy and free.”
“They are happy.” Wily glances across the room at Nichelle. “And free.”
I nod but end up sniffing as more tears fill my eyes. “Too free.” I swallow. “My three-year-old thought it’d be okay to just leave the house without telling me. What’s she gonna be like as a teenager?”
“Wild and reckless?” Wily shrugs.
I gasp and whip a look at him.
He smiles at me, but it’s not as teasing as the one before… because there’s an element of truth to what he’s saying.
Licking his lips, he shuffles beside me before taking my hand. “Kids need boundaries. They want them. It makes them feel safe. I mean, sure, they push against them all the time, but that’s just their way of figuring it out for themselves, you know?”
I sniff, a tear trailing down my cheek.
“We’ve only got a really small window where we can provide those kinds of restrictions, and it’s our job to train them and show them the way so that when they are independent, they know how to handle it.
” He lets out a soft sigh, like he’s reluctant to give me this lecture, but I squeeze his hand, for some reason desperate to know what else he has to say.
“The real world doesn’t let you do whatever the hell you want.
If kids grow up in a house of constant yeses, they won’t know how to handle the nos.
You know?” He gives me a wincing smile and I close my eyes, bobbing my head as a few more tears fall.
“They’re still going to adore you, even when you don’t give them exactly what they want. ”
I swallow. How do I explain that it’s not about that?
Licking a tear off the edge of my mouth, I give it a try. “I’m not scared that they won’t love me. I just don’t want them growing up feeling stifled and controlled. I don’t want to squash them.”
Wily lets out a soft laugh. “I don’t think you could. Ever since you lost your way in college and broke free from all that pressure, you’ve really become your own person. Mom and Dad accepted that.”
I sniff and nod, although I still don’t know just how much they’ve accepted it.
“You’re not like them. And Grady’s not like them.”
“He’s a way better parent than me,” I admit.
“He’s always telling me off for being too soft with the girls.
He’s sick of being bad cop all the time.
But I just…” I cringe and look at my brother, the only person in the house who could ever really get it.
“I don’t want to tell them off all the time.
I don’t want them to feel like if they put a toe out of line, they’ll be a big disappointment to me.
I want them to know that they’re loved, no matter what. ”
“They do.” Wily squeezes my hand. “You may think you don’t like parenthood and that you’re a bad mom, but you’re seriously not. Those girls adore you. You’re fun and playful, and they know how much you love them. There’s not a doubt, Blake.”
I let out a heavy sigh and swallow again.
“And I’m not saying all this shit because I want you to change. I was just giving you my thoughts. It’s up to you what you do with them.”
My chin bunches, my jaw trembling as I nod and finally whisper, “I know I need to improve. I know it. I just haven’t had the energy…
or the courage… to say no.” Slashing at my wet cheeks, I pull my shoulders back and bob my head.
“But I need to start. Nichelle’s a born people pleaser, so she’s naturally pretty good, but Kendall…
” I blow out a breath and share a knowing look with my brother.
He lets out a laugh. “Yeah, she’s a real spitfire, that one.”
“I don’t know where she gets it from.”
“Really?” Wily gives me a skeptical frown.
“What?” I lightly slap him with the back of my hand. “I was good. Just like Nichelle.”
Wily laughs. “You’re probably too young to remember the number of time-outs you were put in when you were Kendall’s age.”
“I was not.”
“You were too,” he argues. “You were the meltdown queen when you were a toddler.”
I give him a skeptical frown.
“I’m serious. Mom and Dad didn’t know what to do with you.”
My doubtful side-eye makes my brother laugh. “But look at you now. An ace photographer, an adored wife, a favorite aunt… and an amazing mom.”
I shake my head with a scoffing laugh.
“I’m serious.” He tips my chin, forcing me to look at him. “You are a great mom, because you love your girls completely and you want them to be themselves. You’re not forcing them into any boxes.”
Giving him a shaky smile, I nod and murmur, “But it wouldn’t hurt to maybe put up a few fences so they don’t run wild.”
“Well, that’s your call, but…” He fights a grin and then starts nodding. “Yeah, fences are good.”
He winks at me, then wraps his arm around my neck, pulling me in to rub his knuckles on the top of my head.
I squawk and the kids all glance over, laughing when they see the grown adults acting like kids.
Seb, of course, runs over to jump in on the action, followed by Olly and my sweet Nichelle.
Wily grabs the boys as they tackle him to the floor, and I pluck Nichelle off the ground and start tickling her before her little fingers can get me.
She squeals and laughs, and I revel in that sweet sound for a moment before pulling my daughter into a tight hug.
“Love you, baby.” I kiss her head.
“I love you too, Mommy.”
Closing my eyes, I rest my chin on top of her cheek and hope that I can say that to another little girl very soon.
Please, Grady, find our baby.