Chapter 19
Jake
Everyone sat in the sand around a small bonfire, watching as Gustoff sang and hopped around it in some bizarre version of a fire dance. I’d never actually seen anyone do a fire dance, but whatever I had imagined it would look like didn’t come close to what I’d witnessed here tonight.
“Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” Gustoff said. I would bet my life the dude was stoned. “Bring your inner children forth and allow the boy in you to be set free,” he sang.
“Dude’s fucken drunk,” Collin leaned over and told me. “We should slip out now. He’d probably never notice.”
“I figured bro was wasted when he bent over and started singing with his ass cheeks like Ace Ventura,” I chuckled at the recollection because, after all the shit we’d gone through with our proper spiritual meditations, Gus bending over and singing with his butt cheeks almost made the whole trip worth it.
“It’s a bummer this had to happen tonight,” Collin said, looking around at the rest of the husbands in the group who were still taking this seriously. “I think I’m starting to like the guy after this.”
“Husbands and wives, wives and husbands,” Gus said as if he were about to declare our freedom.
“You’ve all joined the cause in furthering the betterment of your wives,” his eyes widened as he looked directly at Collin and me, “for your lives,” he said, belting out a laugh, “yet how can any of this be meaningful?”
“What the hell is he on, ayahuasca?” I said to Collin.
“Hell if I know. All I know is that I need some of that,” Collin answered humorously.
“Collin!” he pointed to my best friend. “Stand, my good man. Stand and declare your love for Christmas!”
“What the fuck?” I said, laughing at this man’s ridiculousness.
“Declare my love for my wife, you mean?” Collin answered. “Because trust me, my good, inebriated native, she is worth more than a holiday to me.”
“Ah,” Gus answered. “This is true!”
He giggled, and that’s when Collin’s mischievous grin appeared. For the first time since we’d been subjected to this torture, my partner-in-crime reemerged, and a sense of revitalization coursed through my veins. We could have a lot of fun with this guy since he was dumb enough to get fucked up.
“And how about you, Gus?” Collin said, all sense of faking it from the last three days vanishing into the salty air. “Are you married?”
“Married? Me?” Gus looked at me. “Dr. Mitchell, stand! Arise, good doctor!”
“Gus—”
“You joined us to bring back the love in your marriage. Is this true?”
“The love never left, my man,” I smiled confidently, knowing that was true.
“Then why are you here?” Gus asked, his expression showing that he probably had forgotten what we were discussing.
“He came here to fuck his wife,” Collin said, enjoying Gus being drunk too much. “In fact, that’s why we’re all here.”
“You all came here to fuck my wife?” I teased Collin’s unfortunate turn of phrase. “If I’d have known that—”
“What? No, stupid,” Collin said, thrown off his game after he realized how his words came out. “I meant my wife. Not everyone—Goddammit, everyone came to fuck their own individual wives, okay?”
“I hope Ash will be able to contain her disappointment,” I shrugged as Collin laughed. “Back to the point, Gustoff,” I redirected my attention. “We didn’t sign up for whatever the hell we’ve gone through the past few days.”
“That’s intriguing,” Gustoff suddenly seemed to sober up. “It’s intriguing that you’ve both proven that there has been no ego death between you.”
“Are you fucking with me?” I nearly barked at the man’s instant transformation.
“No,” he answered. “That you both thought you could go unnoticed and toy with my program is beyond me. You will now be taken to another location to meditate amongst the forest and stars to beg forgiveness.”
“I’m not fucking going anywhere, and I’m not begging for jackshit,” I snapped. “You know what? I lied. I am going somewhere. I’m going back to my wife and getting out of this place.”
“You cannot,” Gus informed.
“Last I checked, we were the ones paying for this fucked-up retreat, and as paying customers, we’re fucking done with this nightmare,” Collin said.
“Gentlemen, stop them,” Gus said with a roll of his eyes and a wave of his hand.
As if we were in some horror film, Collin and I were grabbed from behind and bags were pulled over our heads. Before I could react, my hands were tied behind my back with ropes, and I was being dragged somewhere.
The only thought running through my head was for Ash and Laney.
The possibility that they were going through this, too, gripped my heart so tightly that I thought it would choke me.
My heart was racing, adrenaline coursing through me as Collin and I were dragged and eventually planted onto some ice-cold chair.
“Take off their covers,” I heard a voice say.
“Fuck you,” I heard Collin snarl in return.
The next thing I knew, the cover was taken off my and Collin’s heads, and a genuine fear that we had just been kidnapped for ransom shook me to my core.
If they could do this to Collin and me, I couldn’t think about what they’d do to Elena and Ash.
My sweet wife had been through so much. This was all my fault.
“Where’s the big guy?” a young man asked.
“The big guy?” I questioned.
“Yeah, the one who insisted we retrieve you so he could question you,” the man answered.
“Listen, I have no idea what you guys want, but I’ll pay you off before the big guy can get here.”
“Sounds enticing, but Big J is paying us a lot more for your bounties than you could,” he cackled like a proper scoundrel.
“Bounties?” I looked at Collin.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’d pay a pretty price for your ass,” Collin shrugged, unaffected by this scenario, which gave me a bit of relief. Maybe I’d overreacted?
I eased up immediately and smirked at him. “I’d give those assholes a hundred thousand for your cute ass,” I teased.
“A hundred thousand? You were going to give a million for Sebastian’s at that bachelor auction,” Collin said. “I thought—no, I know I’m sexier than that son of a bitch.”
“Well, what would you give these chumps for me?” I asked.
“Two hundred thousand, but that’s only because you didn’t come up with our escape plan earlier,” he said.
“Me?” I answered. “I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas while we were shitting our brains again the second night here.”
“Oh, no. Did you guys drink the water?” a man asked curiously.
“No,” I answered him.
“They drank the senna tea and ate the papaya as Gustoff suggested,” I heard my brother’s voice humorously say as he, Alex, and Spencer entered the small, enclosed area we were in. “Hey!” Jim said with a smile bigger than Santa’s on Christmas Eve. “Merry Christmas, dipfuckers.”
“What the fuck!” Collin and I said in unison.
“Payback is a bigger bitch than karma sometimes, eh?” Jim snickered.
I had no words. All Collin and I could do was silently stare at the men who’d been victims of so many of our ruthless pranks.
The day had finally come when they’d gotten us back.
Shit, I think I was prouder of my brother for being so creative than I was pissed off at him for having the nerve. Although being proud of him would fade quickly, and Collin and I would get our retaliation.
The most important thing I needed to know was how the hell they managed to pull this off on Collin and me, of all people.