Chapter 21
Jake
After multiple profound rounds of unhinged sex with the beauty currently asleep in my arms, I was the happiest man on earth. Who knew it only took being held captive by that fucking actor, Jack, to achieve the feeling of what life would be like if I lost my lady and, of course, joined a cult.
Since opening the door to Ash’s adorable little Christmas cottage, I hadn’t thought about the bullshit my brother and our friends had cooked up for Collin and me to endure since we got here.
She moved in my arms, causing me to pull her in closer to my chest, wrapping myself tightly around her. That’s when my fucking phone rang and wouldn’t stop.
“For fuck’s sake,” I said, knowing if I didn’t get the damn thing, Ash would wake up. “What?” I snapped when I saw it was Jim calling.
“Hey, the plane is taking off in two hours. You two had all night to reunite, and now—”
“Why are you calling to tell me this?” I said, pissed I had to slide out of bed and stand across the room butt naked, listening to my brother’s smug voice.
“Because if I don’t, your spiritual butt is going to be stuck here and taking a commercial flight,” he said.
“That’s fine by me. I’d prefer that and to spend the remaining—”
“You’d actually prefer commercial?”
“Yep.”
“Look at you. Ego death suits you well, baby brother,” he said, laughing at all the stupid shit he put me through.
“It’s not ego death, asshole,” I answered. “I fly commercial all the time, unlike your arrogant CEO ass.”
“Well, that is true,” he conceded. “Regardless, if you miss my jet leaving, you’ll be on your way back to California for Christmas instead of where—”
“That’s the thing with this amazing ego death trip I’m on now—”
“You say that as if you’re on an acid trip,” he interrupted.
“It feels like an acid trip, and if your crazy ass had gone through what I just experienced, you’d feel the same.”
“Well, amazing or not, you’ll not want to miss this flight because we have a genuine Christmas surprise for everyone to make up for the torture we put you and Collin through.”
“Interesting. This happens to be the first year I prefer to spend it alone with Ash and her family, not my own. Have fun, and Merry fucking—”
“Well, you’re going to be pretty bored after your long-ass flight home with Ash to find the two of you are spending it alone.”
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, “How in the fuck did I manage to put myself at your mercy?”
“Relax, Jacob. You’re officially safe,” he said. “Now, Ash will not be leaving your side, and you’ll be landing in Switzerland, where you’ll be whisked away on a train that will take you to your kids and in-laws for—”
“Hold the fuck up,” I said. “Let’s skip over the fact that you sound like some fucking gameshow host, telling me what my grand prize is, and get to the part where you tell me how you’re sending my kids and Ash’s parents to Switzerland for Christmas. Are you joking?”
“Not joking,” Jim said. “And most people would dream of spending the holidays there, fuck face. Jesus, I thought your anger issues were worked out in that meditation retreat, but maybe you need to go back?”
“I didn’t realize I had anger issues until I spent two nights shitting in a hole that I personally dug for myself in the banana tree forest, then ate fucking grass and braided—”
I stopped when I heard Jim’s explosive laughter and waited impatiently for him to catch his breath.
“Oh, fuck, man,” he said. “I swear to Christ, I thought you and Collin would get out of there after the first night. I’m still shocked we got you guys all the way to the end,” he laughed again, and I narrowed my eyes.
I was done being upset about this. My wife and I had seriously had the best sex of our marriage because of this whole thing, although I would never tell Jim that.
Maybe detoxing years of shit in my guts made way for killer orgasms, and I wasn’t mad about that anymore.
However, Jim’s smug laughter only urged me to think of how I would get him back.
Collin and I hadn’t had time to discuss our revenge, but it was sure to be epic after what we’d been through.
In the meantime, I figured it was prudent to keep quiet and pretend it was all water under the bridge; that way, payback wouldn’t be expected.
So, fine. Jim had some spectacular Christmas trip planned for all of us to spend together, and I know my brother when it came to things like this.
He spared no expense. He would probably fly Santa himself in from the North Pole if it meant the kids would have an unforgettable Christmas.
My brother had always been one happy little fucking elf during this holiday, and so I knew he went all out.
“Are you still there?” Jim questioned my silence.
“I am, and you know what? You’re right. Collin and I had all that shit coming. We’ve done all of you dirtier than you did to us,” I lied.
“That’s what I hoped you’d conclude,” Jim answered.
I rolled my eyes.
“I know, and I’m sure you also want me to admit that your stupid bullshit was worse than our pranks on you idiots?”
“Well, yes, but that is unnecessary,” he said.
I glanced over to Ash, still sleeping soundly, her auburn curls neatly spread over my pillow where I was once lying fully relaxed in an after-sex, drunken stupor.
We had to get our asses up and to Jim’s jet if we wanted to see the kids, whom I missed terribly.
Bullshitting with Jim and getting into these ridiculous pissing matches was doing us no favors in the time department.
“Listen, we’ll tally the score later. I need to wake Ash. We’ll meet you guys in the lobby of this place,” I answered.
“All right. And, hey, the Hawk Brothers said that you and Ash are free to come again to visit their five-star retreat here anytime you wish,” he said, taking another dig at me.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I answered. “See you guys in about thirty minutes.”
“Hey, Jake?” Jim said.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let Ash in on the whole trip just yet. This part is Avery’s gift to everyone, and she wants the ladies to be surprised.”
“How adorable,” I mocked.
“It is, and when you see the train I rented and had decorated to look like the North Pole Express, you’ll agree when I say it was worth every penny,” he laughed.
“How much money did you pay to rent and decorate a fucking train?”
“Let’s just say your brother isn’t a successful businessman because I’m a fool,” he answered, “because after we’re done enjoying the damn thing, I convinced the company to give me a percentage of what they charge others to ride on it for the holidays.”
“You went into the train rental business, eh?” I asked, confused.
“Don’t work yourself up trying to figure it out,” Jim laughed. “Just meet us in thirty minutes in the welcome center. That’s what it’s called, by the way. The welcome center, not the lobby.”
“Thanks for correcting me on that,” I said. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been here all week. I’ve been shitting in the woods.”
That was enough of Jim for now. If we were all flying to Switzerland for the holidays, I would have enough time to talk with him on the way to our destination.
I needed to wake my wife and get ready to enjoy her excitement, knowing that she was about to embark on a wonderful Christmas surprise that her best friend had planned.