Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Twenty-Six Years Ago
A year later, Helen had tried a dozen different pregnancy tests without any luck. Paul had visited three months ago, and they’d tried again for a baby. This time she was ready, excited, and couldn’t wait to take the test. But it was negative. Again. At the rate they were going, they’d have their first child when she was ninety-five. They only saw each other twice a year, and clearly, she needed more time than that to get pregnant. It wasn’t happening, and each negative test sent her into a spiral of self-doubt and despair. She’d begun to cling to the idea of having a baby as a way to help her out of the funk she was in.
The ward was quiet. She was on the night shift, and thankfully, there wasn’t much going on. She often floated between wards and tonight was on duty at the oncology ward. The patients were asleep and everyone was stable. She strode through the hallways, careful not to let her shoes squeak on the tiles. The quiet sounds of the hospital ward at night comforted her. This was her happy place. Even though there was so much suffering all around her, she could do something to help. She had a concrete way to give to these people in a time when they needed it. She loved that about her job—it gave her a sense of purpose and meaning. Something she desperately needed in her life with Paul away.
Her flip-phone pinged. It was Rita.
Hope you’re having a good night. I’ll come with you tomorrow if you like? Xo
Helen’s stomach clenched. Tomorrow. The text reminded her of the appointment she had set up at the IVF clinic. She was excited about it but dreading it at the same time. It was like an admission of defeat.
That would be great. I’ll pick you up at eleven.
She returned to her desk and sat in front of the computer. Checking emails was a new ritual. But there was nothing of interest. She had a paper to read about the latest development in treatments for bed sores but couldn’t seem to focus.
She lifted the kitchen phone off the wall and called Paul’s base. He might not be available, but she’d try anyway. She was surprised when she heard was put through to his unit and he answered after only three rings, sounding sleepy.
“Hey sweetie,” she said.
He yawned into the phone. “Baby, everything okay?”
“All good—I’m working but there’s not much going on, so I thought I’d give you a call. How are you?”
“I’m okay. We had a rough few days so I’m trying to get some sleep.”
“Sorry I woke you up.”
“No, it’s good. I want to hear your voice. I’ll go right back to sleep after we hang up. I don’t have any trouble doing that these days.”
“I’m going to that IVF appointment tomorrow.”
“Oh, that’s right. Well, good luck, baby. I know you’ll be fine. It’s just information gathering, right?”
“That’s right. We haven’t committed to anything yet. But I’m still nervous. I don’t know why I get so worked up about this stuff. I’m a nurse, I should be able to handle an appointment to talk about IVF.”
“It’s understandable,” he said. “It’s a big deal for us.”
“Yeah, I don’t know if I will even be able to get pregnant with help. And I hate to spend so much money if I’m unable to. It’s a big risk.” She pressed a hand to her face and groaned. “I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to bankrupt us. We were saving for a house.”
“We’ll be fine. We’ll figure it out somehow.”
“Maybe I should just accept that I’m not going to have a baby. We could spend all our savings and still not have one. I don’t know if we should do that.”
“You’ve got to stop being so hard on yourself,” he replied in a calm voice. “We’re not going to make a perfect choice; we just have to make the choice we think is right. It might work out, it might not. But we’ve got to try, or we’ll always regret it. We can make more money, but we can’t go back and have a baby.”
“You’re right,” she sighed. “Of course you’re right. I’m so glad I have you to talk to. Even if you can’t be here in person, it helps.”
“I’m glad.” He yawned. “Tell me something good.”
“I’ve finished painting the living room. You would be so impressed with me. I have a streak of blue in my hair now and no idea how to get it out, but the room looks good. I think it does, anyway.”
He laughed. “Blue hair, huh? Sounds sexy.”
She grinned. “I’m glad you think so. It bodes well for my senior years.”
“I wish I could be there to help you with that. You shouldn’t be doing it all on your own.”
“Don’t worry, I got the low stink paint so I’m not dizzy at the end of the day. But it’s still pretty bad. I think I’ll see if I can stay at the lake house tomorrow night.”
“That’s a good idea. And hey, shoot me an email to let me know how it goes at your appointment.”
“I will.”
They told each other goodnight. She said how much she loved him. She always had to say it because she dreaded the thought of losing him without having said it before they hung up. The anxiety had gotten bad lately. Perhaps it was her worrying about getting pregnant, or the pressures of work, or the fact that he was in a war zone. Or maybe it was all of those things combined.
The next day, Helen picked up Rita from the lake house and they drove towards the city together in her four-door red sedan. Rita was unusually chatty, so Helen mostly listened. She always enjoyed her sister’s company. They’d been close since Helen was born. Rita always said she’d been so delighted at having a younger sister that she’d taken over the responsibility of raising her. Their parents had watched with amusement as the five-year-old did her best to feed, bathe and dress Helen when she was big enough to manage it. They always said the two of them were inseparable, and nothing much had changed. Rita was the one person Helen relied upon.
“Do you think this is going to work?” she interjected suddenly.
Rita looked over at her. “What? The IVF?”
“Yeah.”
“I think it will. Definitely. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong, you just need a little help. And it’s harder for you, having a husband out of the country all the time.”
“Is it wrong? Should I wait until he’s back? I mean… I don’t know anyone who’s done this. It seems so strange.”
“He’ll be back before you know it. He’s only got two years left. You might not get pregnant for a little while, so maybe he’ll be home in time for the birth. You never know. And it’s worth giving this whole thing a try, what could go wrong?”
“That’s true, I suppose.”
“And I’m gonna be with you the whole time. Nothin’ is happening today, we’re only talking. That’s it. You can listen, can’t you?” Rita offered her a cheeky smile.
Helen’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, I can listen.”
“Great, that’s all you need to do. We’re not making any decisions or doing anything permanent. We’re just talking and listening.”
“Okay, I know you’re right. I can do that.”
“No need to worry. Just relax.”
“I don’t know if I can relax, but I’ll try.” Helen hadn’t relaxed in months. Between work, worrying over her husband, exercising at the gym, volunteering at her church for fundraisers and prayer teams, and helping out her parents when they needed it, she hadn’t spent much time on her own or doing anything relaxing. The only vacation time she’d had was when Paul visited, and she spent that time taking care of him and worrying about the day he had to leave.
“Maybe you should look into learning some relaxation techniques or somethin’?” Rita suggested.
“Do you know any?”
“I’m always relaxed. I don’t need techniques.” Rita chuckled.
“I can’t believe you don’t get stressed about the cafe. That place would give me a stomach ulcer.”
Rita shrugged. “It’s not so bad. It basically runs itself most of the time.”
“You’re always havin’ some kind of emergency or crisis. Someone doesn’t show up to work, something breaks down, the supplies don’t arrive in time, or the fish is bad…”
“True, but I don’t let it worry me too much. And I’m doing what I love, so I guess that helps.”
“You really do love it, don’t you?”
“That place is as much a part of me as you are.” Rita sighed. “Although sometimes I wish it wasn’t. It’s a lot of work.”
They arrived at the IVF clinic and waited side by side in the small, sterile room that jutted off the entry. There were children’s toys in one corner, but no children playing with them. A television screen hung from the ceiling, playing a cartoon, but the sound was on mute. Instead, soft music filtered through speakers positioned about the space.
Rita leaned close to whisper. “You doing ok?”
Helen nodded. “I’m fine. I have to keep reminding myself what this is all for— I want a baby. I’m dying to have one. And this is the way to make that happen.”
“Right. Hold onto that thought.” Rita slid her hand into Helen’s and squeezed.
They sat that way for a few minutes until the doctor called Helen in. She offered Rita a half smile and then followed the doctor into her office.
“I’m Dr. Arlington, won’t you take a seat?”
“Hi, I’m Helen. Pleasure to meet you.”
“You too, Helen. Let’s get started.”
They discussed her fertility, her goals, her health and everything else imaginable about her life. By the time they were done, Helen was exhausted, even though the appointment had only been for twenty minutes. She met Rita in the waiting room.
“Do you think you could drive? I’m done in.”
“Sure, I’ll drive.” Rita wrapped an arm around Helen’s shoulders and led her back to the car. “How’d it go?”
“I don’t know. Fine, I guess. But she was real matter of fact about the whole thing. I’ve gotta have all these tests, and then they’ll determine if I’m infertile. And after that we can decide what we want to do.”
“Infertile?”
“Yeah, it sounded serious. Since we’ve been trying for a while, although, of course, not really since Paul has been gone. But she thinks there could be an issue and gave me all these pamphlets about IVF treatments, what to expect and all. It’s a lot to take in. And I’m stressed out about the whole thing.” She climbed into the car, then leaned back against the headrest. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so anxious, tired, overworked … and now this on top of it. It might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”
Rita started the car engine. It was afternoon, and traffic was already backing up for the peak hour rush. She pulled into the nearest lane. “I think you should take one step at a time. You don’t have to do it all at once. Or even think about it all. What’s the next step?”
“I have to get a blood test done.”
“Great, you can do that. It’s not so hard. Just one step. Then, when you’ve done that, think about the next step. You’re letting yourself get overwhelmed because you’re focusin’ on the whole, big thing. That would be too much for anyone to manage.”
“Thanks, Rita. You always know what to say.”
“I try,” she replied. “I hope you know how much I love you.”
Helen smiled at her. “I love you too, sis. You’re the best. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“Paul loves you as well, and I know he wishes he could be here. He’s a good man.”
“True…” Helen replied with a sigh. “I wish he was here.”
“You know what we should do?” Rita asked as they sat, still waiting for the traffic to move.
“What’s that?”
“We should go dancing!”
“What? Dancin’? I don’t know…”
“We should put on some skimpy dresses, overdo our makeup, and hit the town. We haven’t done that in ages, and I bet your anxiety could be solved by a night out. You need to have some fun. You’re young. You shouldn’t be living like a sixty-year-old woman. All you do is work, chores, help out with Mom and Dad, and go to appointments. You need to let loose and enjoy your life. Besides, you might be pregnant before too much longer, if all goes well. Now is your chance to live a little. Jimmy will watch the kids. We can buy something to eat while we’re out. It’ll be fun.”
“You make some good points.” Helen smiled. “Okay, let’s go dancing.”