Chapter 3 #2
Livie flinches, and the others may not see it, but I do.
She’s been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no luck.
She catches my eyes and shakes her head gently, and that I understand too.
Let’s not talk about it. I’m happy for her even if I’m sad for me.
It’ll be okay. All thoughts that also went through my head when I was in the same position, wishing for a baby with every ounce of my soul.
A baby who took years to come after getting pregnant with Bella happened in the blink of an eye. Effortlessly pregnant before nineteen and then fighting tooth and nail for another one. And once that angel finally came, my world was flipped upside down.
Turned inside out.
Rocked completely.
I know it won’t ever be the same again, but I have to keep my hope alive, and so does she, because what are we without hope?
“Hang in there, babes. It’ll get better,” Allie replies. As the only two moms in the group, we know it might or it might not, but Cara doesn’t need reality right now.
“Nellie, your turn,” Cara adds, passing the spotlight to her little sister.
“Does it make me a bad girlfriend if I want Gus to propose? We’ve been together for four years now, and nothing. I know a paper will change nothing, but I want a wedding, damn it.”
“No, it doesn’t make you a bad girlfriend, and if I’m being honest, I tell him this every week, I swear,” Cara says.
Manny, Cara’s husband, and Gus are Allie’s little brothers, so of course she says, “Girl, he better hurry and put a ring on that finger.”
“I’m impatient. I might ask him.”
“Don’t!” we say in unison.
“Just be patient. It’ll come. You two went through a lot at the beginning, give it time,” I say and she nods. She had Gus to help her through one of the worst-case scenarios a school counselor could go through.
“Alright, Nat. Your turn.”
“I don’t have anything to share. My life is the same as it always is.”
“Mmm, what about that walking eye candy of a man who was there, like, two Sundays ago when I dropped off Vero?” Allie asks.
I’ve been avoiding this. The truth is, I haven’t stopped thinking about him.
Not necessarily him in general, but the way he looked so, so sad.
He hasn't come back, and I didn’t even get his name.
Everyone's quiet. Everyone’s looking at me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Mmm, handsome, slutty mustache, glasses, a tattoo peeking out from his shirt.” She springs to stand on her tiptoes and raises her hand. “Yay high?”
I shake my head. “Can’t recall.”
Of course, I can recall.
Yes, I noticed he was handsome, but it wasn’t his looks that’ve been haunting my dreams. It was how bleak his eyes looked, but how they lit up when he saw the sprinkles on the coffee.
I definitely noticed how happy it made me to put that smile on his face.
I haven’t felt that urge to help someone, to turn someone’s day around, other than my children’s, in years.
That has been haunting my sleep too.
“Oh shit. Nat has a secret boyfriend!” Roe shouts, and Livie bounces on her knees.
“I do not. He’s a customer who stayed til closing, and neither of us realized the time. I was spiraling because I forgot Father's Day, but yeah, that’s it.”
“Oooop! What was that?” Cara asks, sitting up straighter and opening her green eyes wide.
“What was what?”
“You’re hiding something about him,” she presses. I shake my head, grabbing dishes and taking them to the kitchen. By the time I return, they’re all silent, as if my leaving stopped time.
“What’s going on? Is this a glitch? Why are y’all not talking?” I ask.
“Because you have something you’re keeping from us, Natalie Alexandra, and we want to know what it is.”
“Not my middle name, Cara.”
“Then tell us. Pretty please. Please let me be excited about something other than being a human incubator. Are you dating? Are you fucking him between customers? What is happening?” she asks in rapid fire, as if I somehow speak at the speed of light.
Knowing they won’t drop it, I say, “I am not fucking him or anyone.” I pause for good measure. A bunch of nosy posies, that’s what they are. Like I would ever share my intimate details with anyone.
Even if I had any. Nobody has touched me after Nick, and it’s been almost four years. Nobody wants broken glass.
“I’m also not dating him.”
“Then who is he?” Roe asks. I swear, they think my life is a movie. But don’t they know by now that if it were, it would be a tragedy and not a romance?
Romance needs a happily ever after, and I didn’t even get a happy for now. I spent all my days chasing the next best thing—a bigger store, another baby—instead of enjoying what I already had. And I was punished for it.
“What is this? A trial?” I deflect. This is not a therapy session; this is a book club, damn it.
“Yes!” they all shout.
I shake my head again and sink into my seat, grabbing a throw pillow and covering my face. “There’s nothing to tell, really.”
“Then why are you blushing?” Nellie asks.
I shrug. “Because I’m human, and he’s kinda handsome?”
“He’s hot,” Allie adds, and half of them squeal.
“Allie…”
“What? I'm a happily married girl, but I can say a man is hot when I see one. He is.”
She’s right.
More like holy hot.
Strong muscles visible even under his clothes. A chiseled jaw covered in a shadow of a beard with a mustache. The prettiest deep whiskey eyes, longer brown hair, he tucked behind his ear in the sexiest movement, and glasses. The man wears glasses.
I for sure noticed. I didn’t want to, but damn, it took me by surprise.
“Just tell him you’re interested and let the man take you out,” Cara says.
“I’m not,” I reply. “And I saw him once. One time.”
The front door creaks open, and I freeze.
“Mom!” Bella shouts from the entryway. As many reasons as there are for me not to date the guy, or anyone for that matter, my girls are the main ones.
I look at all the girls and whisper between gritted teeth, “Not another word about this. Promise me.” They all nod. They’re so respectful of my rules and my boundaries with my children, and I love them for it.
Bella walks in with a big smile on her face and her phone in her hands. “Oh, hi, everyone. Goodbye, everyone.” She walks past us into her room.
I greet Nick’s mom by the door and grab a sleeping Vero from her hands. “Hey, Danny. Thank you for watching the girls tonight.”
“Anytime. I’m sorry I’m dropping them off early, but Vero wouldn’t stop crying. I think she was tired.”
“It’s okay. We were done either way. See you next month?”
“See you next month.”
I lay Vero in bed, giving her a forehead kiss that lasts too long. She’s such a good sleeper, but she hates falling asleep outside of this house. I don’t blame her, though. I struggle sleeping anywhere else too.
I walk back to the living room. “Sorry, this was so chaotic.”
“Stop apologizing for being a mom, Natalie. We all get it.” Allie’s smile is always reassuring, so I take it.
“So…if he comes back, would you like to go out with him?” Roe asks, her blue eyes both piercing and grounding me. They don’t mean to pry. They want to know, so I sit and start talking.
“I saw him once, girls. Once. And really? He looked so sad, and I just wanted to help. That’s it. Besides, it’s not like I could flirt or anything if he were to come back.”
They look at me puzzled. This entire conversation has gone off the hinges at this point. “Why not?” Allie asks.
“Other than that, he looks like he wants steak and veggies, and all I am is a happy meal.”
“What does that even mean?” Cara asks.
“Well… all I have to offer are kids, toys, and some fatty meat,” I reply.
“Absolutely not.” Cara stands, taking the spot next to me and switching to her teacher voice we all know too well. “We’re not doing this. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
I shrug. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t have time or the space in my life or my heart for dating.
“Nat, babe, your fatty meat, as you call it? More for him to hold. Don’t say shit like that again. Okay?”
“Mmhmm.”
“If you decide you want to date again, don’t let that cloud your judgement, okay?”
I nod again.
“We’ve never brought it up, but whenever you’re ready, we’re there to talk about it.”
I love them so damn much.
“Let’s play what’s the worst thing that can happen,” Roe adds.
“The worst thing that could happen? Sheesh, I don’t know, Roe. Maybe I’m not ready to date at all. I hate it and cry the whole time because I miss Nick,” I reply honestly.
“Then call one of us, and we’ll pick you up. But also, Nat…do you want to date again? I think you should, but it’s whatever you want.”
Am I ready?
Do I actually want to?
I haven’t even had time to think about why I should date. I don’t even think I can love someone the way I loved Nick again. So what’s the point? Fit a social construct?
“I agree with Allie. Maybe you’ll never be fully ready, but don’t you wonder if maybe you can find someone you can love? Someone who can give you companionship? You’re so young, so deserving of having someone fall head over heels over you,” Cara adds.
Companionship. A best friend to share, what? The load? My kids are not a load, but why would someone want such a messy family when they could start fresh on their own?
“But also…you don’t need to marry the next person you date.”
My eyes snap at Allie, who knows damn well I’ve only ever dated one man and then married him. She’s one to talk. She also married her high school sweetheart, even though they were apart for ten years.
“You only dated Nick. Aren’t you curious?” she continues.
“About dating?”
They all nod. “And maybe the mystery guy?” Allie asks.
I shake my head. “I actually haven’t thought about it. When do I have time to think about anything other than my never ending to do list? I don’t even remember the last time I shaved, let alone thought about dating.”
“That’s fair,” Cara says. “But maybe you can think about it?”
I let out a breath. “But what if—”
“What if you have a great time?” Cara interrupts.
“What if you have a great time and decide you don’t want to date? At least you gave it a try. Wouldn’t you rather try it and say no than wonder what if? I know I would. Let my and Jake’s story be an example. Life’s too short. Take the chances,” Allie adds.
I ponder their advice. I look around and see this beautiful life Nick and I built and how he was taken so suddenly from me.
Everything could’ve crumbled, but it didn’t.
I was falling apart like a damn taco, and they held me together like nachos.
But at the end of the day, they’re all going to their people, and I’m left alone in an empty bed.
“I’m scared,” I whisper between gritted teeth. This damn paralysis is exactly that.
I don’t want to go through it again. I don’t want to fall in love and then lose it again.
“Oh, honey. I don’t blame you, but what is it that Allie says?”
“Being brave is doing it scared,” we say in unison, and Allie rolls those beautiful hazel eyes.
“I’m a single mom,” I add.
“Whenever you’re ready to date, that won’t be a problem with whomever you choose. If they’re worth your time, they won’t care,” Allie replies.
“And if they care, tell me, and I’ll hunt their ass down,” Roe adds.
Allie nods. “Okay, let’s just leave Nat alone, okay?”
This was exhausting.
Exhausting.
“I love you all, but I’m exhausted. See you soon?
” I ask as they get up from the couch and gather their things.
I walk them to the door, and after hugs and promises of keeping them posted, I shut the door and walk to my room with a smile on my face.
It’s obliterated by how overwhelming even the thought of sharing a part of my life with others is.
I barely share with them the mile-long to do list I have, let alone with a stranger for the sake of dating. But they’re right; my girls are a huge part of who I am, a positive part. I don’t even want to think about anyone else not cherishing them the way I do.
But that's for another day. Tonight, I go to bed grateful for the life I have.