Chapter 36
I CAN’T STOP KISSING YOU
Constellations–Piano Version by Jade LeMac
Natalie
“Are things getting serious?” Allie asks from the other side of the counter.
The shop closes in a few minutes, and she’s here, killing time, waiting for Bella to get out of school.
Jake, her husband, teaches at the high school; he’s bringing Bella and picking up Allie, Vero, and Nico.
They’re going to St. Augustine to watch a football game, and I’m going out on a date.
“I mean, I don’t know, Allie. I don’t want to say yes, because we haven’t…you know.”
“You haven’t what?”
“Had sex,” I whisper.
She smiles. “So? You two are spending a lot of time together, and you talk how often? Every day? You’re making dates and future plans, and you’re so happy. It sounds serious to me. Sex adds to the relationship. It’s not all the relationship is,” she mentions.
I nod.
“Do you want to have sex with him?” Allie asks, wiggling her brows.
“Allie!” I whisper-shout, careful not to spook Vero and Nico, who are quietly playing in the kids’ corner.
“There’s no one here, babe, and everybody fucks.”
“Allie,” I grunt, pointing at the kids.
She shrugs. “Oops.”
“You’re hanging out with Roe too much.” I continue to clean the area, letting Allie wait for my reply.
“So, do you?”
I shake my head.
I shrug.
I nod.
Who am I kidding? Of course, I want to have sex with him. But there’s just…so much he hasn’t seen. So much no one has seen. Do I even remember how to do it? I can bring myself to climax no problem with my little friend, but being with someone else?
“I’m scared, I think.”
“Oh, honey.” She walks around the register, placing her hand on my back. “It’s okay to be scared, and I think it’s normal too. You and Nick were together all your lives. But you know what? A good partner would understand that, and if he’s pressuring—”
I shake my head. “No, not at all. Actually, it’s the complete opposite. He’s following my lead. He hasn’t mentioned it once. I know he wants it too, but he’s respectful. He listens to my cues.”
Her smile softens her features. “He sounds like a good man.”
“He is.” I exhale for the first time in what feels like minutes. “I’m lucky. I know I am. I’m just, I don’t know. Nervous?”
“Talk to him. It sounds like he would listen, and you really shouldn’t be holding everything in. A relationship needs communication both ways, about everything. Lean on him.”
“When did you become so wise?” I smile at my friend, grateful I have her and her family in my life. As if on cue, Jake walks in, Bella in tow.
“When I became a mom. Just trying to follow in your footsteps.” She bumps my hip with hers before greeting her husband.
“Mom.”
“Bella,” I reply, hugging my girl, who walks straight into my arms. “You look nice.” She steps back, eyeing me sheepishly. “Is that?” She’s wearing someone’s jersey. Huh?
“Um, yeah? It’s nothing really. A friend let me borrow his so I could get in the school spirit and all.
” She’s blushing. She might be the spitting image of her father, but that, the way her face is painted red, is all me.
I’m sure she’ll tell me about it when she’s ready.
For now, my job is to make sure she’s safe.
“Do I know this friend?” I ask, and she shakes her head.
“He’s in math with me, but he’s new to the school this year. We’re just friends, Mom. I promise.”
I nod, hugging her again and whispering in her ear, “If that changes, let me know, okay?”
“Yes, I will. Now stop smothering me, pleeeeease.” So dramatic, this little one of mine. Not so little, I guess, if she’s ready to go watch a boy play football while wearing his jersey.
"Does Jake know this kid?”
She narrows her eyes at me, nodding. “Uncle Jake, can you tell my mother Caleb is a good guy?”
Jake chuckles as he wraps me in a hug. He always hugs me the same way, two seconds longer than before.
Before Nick died. I asked him about it once, and he said he was hugging me long enough for both of us.
I lost a husband that day, but Jake lost a best friend—a brother.
We don’t talk much about him, but his absence is felt beyond what words can convey.
“He is a good kid, but I’m keeping my eyes on him either way,” he whispers in my ear.
“I heard that!” Bella shouts.
“We’re looking out for you,” Jake adds.
“Fine. But again, we’re just friends. Okay?”
“Sure, sure,” I add. “You all have fun and be safe, okay?”
“I’ll take care of them like my own.”
“I know, Jake. Thank you. I appreciate you more than you know.” I hug him again and walk to do the same with Allie, who’s carrying Nico while holding Vero by the hand.
I squat down to talk to my girl. “You behave for Tia Allie and Uncle Jake, okay?”
“Yes, Mama.” She presses a wet kiss to my cheek before waving bye and leaving with my best friends.
What was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking, actually, I was high on excitement and possibilities when I decided to buy and wear this dress, the black silk one that enhances every curve I have. It’s not tight, so I thought it would be flattering, but now, I feel too exposed.
We’re going out to dinner, but I feel like I’m dressed to go clubbing. I’m a mom, for goodness sake. Moms don’t wear dresses like this.
I sigh audibly, shaking off these irrational thoughts. Allowing myself to spiral first with all the negative talk that has invaded me since I was a teenager allows me to then negate it and reframe.
I can wear whatever I want, mom or not, right? Having kids does not make being a mom my whole personality. I felt good when I tried this on, and yes, it enhances my curves, but my curves are beautiful.
I repeat all of it like a mantra, hoping one day, it’ll stick and become my first thought as opposed to whatever bullshit I’ve believed most of my life.
The doorbell rings, startling me. Okay. He’s here. I can do this.
I look in the mirror again, one last time.
I take notice of my almost copper hair draping down my bare shoulders after I spent entirely too long flat ironing my curls to then put them in waves.
My eyes find my naked neck, no sign of the necklace I often wear, holding Nick’s wedding ring.
It was time for it to come off. I can honor him and his life and still find love again, right?
Considering my full breasts and even fuller hips, I touch different parts of the silk dress and smile. I do look good. Right?
Another knock. Oh shoot.
I fight the urge to throw a jacket over my shoulders and grab my purse instead.
I look good. This is not too much. I feel good. I can do this. I repeat it over and over again.
I stand in front of the door, as if something major awaits me on the other side, but nothing is different. This is a date like many others we’ve had. We’re just dressed fancy, right?
We can do this.
Just another date.
I let out a breath before I open the door, and be still my heart.
There he is, standing in light grey or beige pants, I can’t even get the color right.
I clearly forgot how to breathe, or think, or anything in between.
He’s also wearing an emerald green button-down shirt, his sleeves rolled to his elbow, a little tip of a black tattoo leaf peeking from under it.
His hair is slightly tousled to the side, styled in a way I’ve never seen it before, and he’s wearing gold glasses, framing his gorgeous hazelnut eyes.
He’s so handsome, it hurts, and I can’t believe he wants me.
I forgot manners too, apparently, since I’m leaving him standing there, holding flowers and lemons?
“Wow,” he whispers, as if he can read my thoughts. I blink, confused, until it hits me. He’s looking at me the way I’m ogling him.
“Hi,” I whisper back, finding my words and calming my breathing, hoping the heat I feel all over my face and neck is not as obvious as it feels.
And if it’s obvious, so be it. He deserves to know the effect he has on me.
“Are those for me?” I smile at the arrangement.
“Ye-yes.” He clears his throat. “Sorry. I-I know you like lemons, but showing up with a bag of them seemed silly.”
“Don’t be sorry. This is beautiful. Come in. Let me put these in the kitchen.” I take the bouquet of yellow and orange gerberas, lemons, and baby’s breath, with beautiful eucalyptus leaves. It’s stunning and right up my alley.
He plants a soft kiss on my cheek, lingering when his lips touch my skin, engulfing me in leather and wood. “You smell good,” he whispers, leaving goosebumps in places he’s not even near. “And you look beautiful.”
“Thank you. So do you.” I smile sheepishly, turning to place the flowers in the off-white empty vase on the dining table. It’s been needing flowers for a while, but I keep forgetting to bring some from the store. “I mean handsome.”
He smiles. I roll my eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“I don’t know about you, but I love being called beautiful, so I’ll take it,” he mocks.
“Then you look very beautiful, Mr. Clay.” He pulls me straight into his arms, dipping low to kiss my lips this time, swallowing my gasp.
"I couldn’t wait any longer to do that. I mean, I could’ve, but I really didn’t want to.” His hands roam down my back, resting above the curve of my ass, carefully holding me in place so it’s impossible for me to miss his face.
“That’s quite alright. I like it when you kiss me.”
“Mmm,” he murmurs against my lips.
“Green looks good on you.” My cheeks hurt from smiling, but there’s nothing new about that, not when I’m around him.
“I figured if I started wearing your favorite color, maybe I’d become a favorite too.”
I snort a laugh. “You’re so silly.”
He drops another quick peck and then leaves me in the cold air without his warmth around me. He groans. “Let’s go, or we’ll miss our reservation, because I won’t be able to stop kissing you.”
The giggles slip out immediately as he practically drags me out of the house and into his car.