Chapter 44 I Promise
I PROMISE
Bigger Than The Whole Sky by Taylor Swift · Repeat Until Death by Novo Amor
Holden
I couldn’t hold it in one more minute. I was going to burst every second that went by without telling her, and now that I did, I don’t expect her to say the same, but the silence is more than I can handle, so I kiss her instead.
She follows along easily, as if our lips are dancing with each other, and they’ve been partners for life.
“Wait,” she says against my lips. “Did you just say you love me?” Her voice is so small, as if she’s terrified my answer has changed in thirty seconds. Weird, because I’m the one fucking terrified this is too much, and she’s going to push me away.
“I did.” I own up to it because she’s light, flowers blooming, all things good, and she deserves to know.
“Are you sure?” she asks sheepishly, making me smile.
I hold her face, and she leans into my touch. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. But there’s no pressure for you to feel the same yet.”
“Yet?”
“I’m patient, remember?” I wink, maroon spreading all over her skin. I drop a soft peck on her lips. “Now, come on. You need to get home to your girls.”
I help her get up and get dressed before I do the same. “Do you want to come over for UNO and takeout?”
“I would like nothing more.”
The night goes by in a flash; isn’t it always like that when you’re having a good time?
I’m finishing dishes so Natalie can do bedtime for Vero, and Bella escaped to her room a while ago.
Something about needing to know what happens next in the book she’s reading, so she didn’t want to grace us with her presence for long.
I love them too. Her girls.
Bella is funny, sassy, incredibly kind, and so damn smart. Vero is a total sweetheart, and she has me wrapped around her little finger. She knows it too. I don’t know if I deserve them, but I’m going to die trying to be worthy of them.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Natalie announces, stepping beside me and hugging me as I turn off the water.
“I wanted to. And yes, I know you could do it, but I wanted to either way.”
I kiss her forehead, turning her so she can rest in the spot where she fits best—against my chest.
Earlier, Bella mentioned something about being so grateful the swing was put back together and that she wanted to go out for a few minutes.
Natalie let her, but she teared up looking at her daughter spending time outside.
I want to take a chance and ask about it now, because the curiosity is killing me. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“The day I fixed the swing, you were more excited about it than the porch, and today, you were so emotional over Bella wanting to use it. Is there some special meaning behind it?”
She exhales, burying her face deeper into me. I rake my hands through her hair, letting her take whatever time she needs. I bet it has something to do with Nick.
“I don’t want to pry. If it was special because of Nick, that’s fine. I don’t need to know.”
“No, no,” she says, pushing off from my chest and looking into my eyes, beyond them, like if she was taking a peek into my soul. “I want to tell you. You said you wanted to know more about him, right?”
“I do, but I don’t want to pressure you.”
“You’re not.” She squeezes my hand. “The swing is special. Do you have some time, or do you have to go?”
“I have all the time in the world for you.” She nods, pulling me to the couch, where we sit across from each other.
She sits with one leg tucked under her, her skirt hiked up her thick thighs, giving me a flashback to a few hours earlier, when my face was between them.
As if my thoughts are loud, she blushes.
“Sorry, my bad.”
“Get your head out of the gutter and look here.” Her fingers dart from my eyes to hers, a silent threat that makes me chuckle. I flash her a thumbs-up in understanding.
“Anyway. Yes, the swing is very special. Nick built it really early on, and Bella practically grew up on it. I had Bella right out of high school, a late August birthday.”
Last week? Then why didn’t she—
“She hates them,” Natalie interrupts my thoughts, knowing exactly why I was frowning in confusion and bringing me back to the present.
“She doesn’t like to even talk about her birthday, so I quietly celebrate her—her favorite foods, extra time reading, a new book.
This is her Fiesta de Quince, and my mom won’t let it pass by.
We’ll celebrate when they visit in the fall. ”
“Is there something on her wishlist she wants?”
Natalie shakes her head. “She doesn’t ask for anything, but she adores you, Holden, so really just keep showing up for her.”
“Always,” I assure her.
“So, I had her young. It was really hard, and we definitely didn’t plan for her.
I stayed in Baker Oaks so Nick could go to college, and the swing was one of the things they always did together.
It was simple, but they loved it. When he came home, we knew we wanted more kids, so we started trying for another one. ”
My smile softens as I take her hands in mine, drawing soft circles on her palm.
“We tried for so long, Holden, but we couldn’t get pregnant. It was the weirdest thing. I got pregnant with Bella without even trying and while using condoms and the pill. Secondary infertility, the doctors called it, without any particular reason.”
Has life cut this woman, this family, any slack?
“Every month I had my period, I would sit and swing and we would talk about our feelings, Nick and me. The swing eventually turned into our spot to talk about hard things, our emotions in general. When we had our first loss, a baby who made it through fifteen magical weeks but ended as a hope, we found ourselves going to the swing to wish our baby safe travels back to wherever her soul was going to rest.” She wipes a tear away, looking up as if she’s borrowing courage from someone above.
“Natalie, we don’t have to talk about this.”
“Is it too heavy for you?” she asks, always putting others first. She’s sharing with me a dark time, a big piece of her heart that was shattered, and she’s worried about me and whether I can take it.
“I want to be here for you through everything, heavy or light. Talk to me. I can listen.”
The breath she lets out carries so much emotion, I can feel it in my heart.
“I wish I could tell you that was our last baby who didn’t make it, but it wasn’t.
It was hard on all of us, but on Bella too.
We tried to keep it from her, but have you met her?
” We chuckle. “She’s smart, so she caught on, and we decided to be honest with her. ”
Natalie pauses, closing her eyes and blinking, once, twice.
“We decided to stop the day we found her on the swing, praying to a God she had stopped believing in, to please take her instead so I could have the baby I wanted.” She exhales.
“It broke us. We didn’t realize how much guilt she was feeling over it, so we stopped. We stopped.”
“And then you got pregnant with Vero?” I ask, and she blinks slowly, moving her head, confirming my assumption.
“We didn’t tell her for so long. We wanted to make sure we were safe, you know? And when we did, guess where she went?”
“To the swing.”
“Um-hum. To say thank you and to ask how much longer she had to live, since her sister was going to come.”
That poor girl. A soft gasp escapes me.
“It was so hard, Holden. So, so hard, but we finally were able to get her help, and of course, she found out that’s not how life really works…except…”
“Nick died.”
“And that night, she woke up in the middle of the night and ran to the swing to beg someone to take her instead,” she murmurs, the words dissolving into a ragged exhale.
Her fingers curl tightly into her palms, her gaze fixed on the shadowed hallway leading to their rooms. “She was so broken. Nick was her favorite person in the world, and losing him broke her. I was so scared she was going to hurt herself, but she didn’t.
She pushed through, she worked through her grief and learned how to live without him. Like we all did.”
“Come here.” I pull her to me, urging her to take comfort in me, in my arms, in my chest, in my heart.
I’ve got you, my body whispers to hers, and it listens, because she sits on my lap, wrapping her legs around me, her head on my neck as I brush her soft hair away from her face.
“You did everything right. You went through a terrible thing, but you are living, you are here, and so are they. You’re all doing your best. You’re so incredible, so strong. ”
“I don’t want to have to be strong, Holden. I would give what I don’t have to not have to miss him, to not have to miss the babies I couldn’t keep.”
“I know.” I would give my life if it meant she could have Nick back.
I would.
I would also give everything I have, everything I am, to heal their broken hearts, but I can’t.
So, I do what I can. I’m here for them. I let her cry as I hold her, just quietly being here for her.
She cries, and, between broken sobs, she says, “She would go to the swing—” she sniffles “—to talk to him. She said she felt closest to him there. She stopped praying for her life to change but started confiding in her dad there. We all did. I felt closer to Nick there too—” she wipes her tears and breaks into a small sob again “— sometimes, a little cardinal would visit and just land on the swing, as if Nick was here with us.” She shakes her head, remembering.
“But about a year ago, it just snapped. It broke, and I didn’t know how to fix it, or I didn’t have enough time to because I’ve had to prioritize so much more.
Since you fixed it, Bella has been going there to talk to her dad.
She’s been taking Vero. They love it. It brought them joy.
You brought joy here, and I don’t know how to repay you. ”