Chapter 51 This Ain’t A Fairytale
THIS AIN’T A FAIRYTALE
Someone To Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic (Cont.) · Sad Beautiful Tragic (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
Natalie
What am I going to do? When people tell you to prepare for the worst but hope for the best, it generally means hypothetical things, not completely eviscerating your income because you didn’t think to add Business Interruption Insurance. What am I going to do?
The store is full of workers ripping out the flooring and ceiling, and I’m in the one spot without water damage: the office. Memories of Holden invade me as I look at the table where he made me forget about everything and feel good in the process.
Holden, whom I pushed away because there’s too much going on right now. There are too many strings that connect us, some broken, some intact, but too many can get tangled…and I don’t have time to undo them.
How did I get here?
Speaking of the devil. “Knock, knock,” he says.
“Hey,” I greet—a wispy sound getting lost in the chaos that is my life right now.
“Sorry, I’m late. I overslept.”
“I told you I was going to be here. There was no reason for you to come. I know you have the gala next weekend. I’m sure you’re busy.”
“Isn’t it obvious there’s nothing more important than you in my life, Beauty?” He takes a step forward, and I take two back, raising my hand to my neck to hold the necklace I put on again for the first time in weeks.
Holden’s gaze drops to it, narrowing his eyes, trying to figure it out, and when he does, pain hits him, the same it does me. Wearing this necklace again was a conscious decision. I miss him today more than ever—his angel-versary is next week. But all of this is too much. I’m so tired.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” I whisper, fidgeting with the ring that feels like a tether to my one constant, even if he’s not earthside anymore.
He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “I really don’t want to do this right now, Natalie. The past few days have been really tough on you.”
I scoff. “The past few years have been tough on me. Hell, the past decade, if I’m being honest.”
“I know, but you have so much to be happy for.”
“Oh yeah? Then tell me, what am I going to do when I have to shut the doors to the place that brings me not only joy, but also a livelihood? I’ve lost almost everything. I don’t want to lose this too.”
I let out a heavy breath, one that’s accompanied by tears I’ve been holding in since I tucked the girls in last night. I have to be strong for them. “I’m so tired of being strong. How selfish of me to even say that.” I’m here and alive. That should be enough.
I’m so tired.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time,” he whispers, coming closer.
I keep my eyes locked between our feet. “I don’t have a choice. I have to.”
His thumb grazes my chin, tilting my face up to look at him. “You don’t. Not only do you have your friends who adore you, but you also have me. Lean on me. Let me hold you when you need it. It doesn’t make you weak.”
His eyes are so dark today, turmoil dancing with his irises. I did that. I put that pain there. He holds the necklace dangling from my neck. “Going back to the old patterns where you shut everyone out is not moving forward, though. Maybe I’m out of line, but those who love you tell you the truth.”
“I’m never going to forget him.” I pull the ring from his hold as he flinches.
“And I told you I don’t want you to. But I’m right here. Right. Here. I’m willing to share your joys, your sorrows, your ups and downs, your problems, your peace.”
His broken sob feels like cold wild against my cheeks, as he continues, “I am right here. All I’m asking is that you let me. Let me help you.”
I shake my head. I can’t drag another soul down with me. He’s been through enough. “I really don’t have time for this right now. I need to figure out what I’m going to do in the meantime.”
“What can I do? Please, let me do something.”
“Right now, I need you to leave. Please. I can’t carry the guilt of breaking your heart today too.”
“Nat—”
“Please,” I whisper, mustering the little bit of courage I have left in me. “I’m tired of fighting. If you care about me at all, please give me space, okay? I’m not breaking up with you or whatever. I just need space.”
He searches for a tell, something that might flicker and allow him to stay here with me. But he’s not Prince Charming, and this isn’t a fairytale. This is life. Cruel life.
“Please,” he pleads, and I look away. I don’t have the heart to tell him I might break his. If not now, in the future, once we’re too far gone, and he sees all I bring is pain.
“If you love me, please give me this one thing. Please leave.” Using his words against him is a low I never thought I would hit, but if it’s what makes him leave with a small tear in his heart as opposed to a giant hole, so be it. It’s better this way. I need time.
For what? I’m not sure, but definitely to figure out my life without having to worry about yet another person I’m letting down.
He puts distance between us, letting an exhale carry.
“Okay. I will, but I’ll come back. Not today.
I’ll give you your space today, but I will come back.
Because when I told you I was all in, I meant it.
When I told you I was patient, I meant that too.
When I told you I loved you, it was the truth. I do, with everything I have.”
I can’t speak. If I do, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop crying, and I can’t do that right now, not when the room next to us is full of workers trying to put this place back together again.
“Do you hear me, Natalie? I. Love. You. And you don’t give up on people you love.” I blink away tears, nodding at his raw declaration.
He leaves, just like I asked—so why does it feel like I suddenly can’t breathe? I fall to my knees and quietly let it all out.