Chapter 54 Angel-versary
ANGEL-VERSARY
How Do I Say Goodbye? By Dean Lewis · DtMF by Bad Bunny
Natalie
How many times have I passed by this swing and thought today would be the day I talked to Nick?
The day I sit and finally tell him something.
Everything. It definitely didn’t cross my mind that it would be today, but here I am, sitting on a swing that meant so much to all of us.
These past few days have been hard, but after sitting down with the lawyer two days ago and getting the contract drafted, I felt better than ever. Then, today came.
Four years ago today, I got the worst call anyone could’ve gotten. My world turned upside down, and it has never been right side up again.
“Sometimes, I look at this swing and think about whether you knew this would remind me of life. Of you.”
A simple wooden swing, the best and worst metaphor for life. It goes up and down, and there’s very little control you have over it. Even when it stands still, a breeze might come and move it again, unexpectedly shaking its foundation or even snapping it. Did you know that when you built it?”
I drop some homemade sweet tea on the grass. “I brought you your favorite. It seemed fitting that if I was coming out here to talk to you, it would be over drinks.”
I swing back and forth, resting my head on the rope.
“You built this swing, remodeled the house, built this perfect life around you, and then left us. You left us here to figure it all out on our own. You left a Nick-shaped crater in our hearts, and it’s impossible to fill.
You left us so scarred, it’s impossible for me to even think to reconstruct.
To rebuild. How can I when I’m terrified it will happen again? ”
I close my eyes, letting the air brush my cheeks. Birds chirp in the distance, giving this space serenity and calm, unlike the storm brewing inside me. “I know you did a noble thing, Nick. I know, but damn it if I didn’t wish we weren’t collateral damage. I wish you were here.”
I sniffle. “I wish I didn’t have to go through life like this. Doomed to miss you forever. Cursed to live between not wanting to forget you and the pain of remembering you.”
The first tear falls, silently rolling down my cheek.
An example of how easily I can shut down the voices inside me, but I don’t want to do that anymore.
I want to live and love again. “But how do I do that without feeling guilty, love? How do I move on when you can’t?
When you never will? How can I tell another man I love him if I love you too? Who am I lying to? You, him, or me?”
It’s so unfair. All of it. And how terrifying it is that I can’t keep living like this, but if I move, if I take the step, if I leap, I might crash, I might fall, and then who’s going to pick me up?
Who’s going to pick up the pieces and put them back together again? I don’t think I can do that again.
“What we had was so beautiful, Nick. Special and unique. A one-of-a-kind love. How can I even attempt to replicate that? I’ve spent years trying to earn the right to live again,” I whisper. “Like if I suffered enough, if I stayed small enough, just pretended, it would prove how much I loved you.”
My throat tightens. “I don’t know when it turned into punishment, where everything goes wrong, and I feel like my skin is going to come off at any given time.”
I press my palm flat against my chest.
“There’s someone,” I admit, the words heavy on my chest, but as honest as they’ll come. “And that terrifies me. Not because of him. Because of me.”
I cover my face, the tears not silent anymore. They’re free-falling, combined with gasps and sobs. “Why did you leave me?”
I scream into the air. At the universe. At God. At time.
At everyone.
At him.
“This is not what I wanted. We were supposed to last forever. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“But it is,” a deep voice says from behind me, startling me. I was so lost in my rage I missed the truck driving up behind me. I missed a whole other person sharing the space with me.
“Jake,” I say, jolting up, wiping the tears away, or as much as I can. “What are you doing here?”
He slides his hands in his pockets, eyeing me with concern he doesn’t voice, but I can see it all behind his eyes. “The same thing I’ve done every September on this day for—”
“Four years,” I mutter. Four years since we lost our best friend.
“I drove by the cemetery, and it was empty, so I thought I’d check here.”
“Well.” I sniffle. “You found me.”
“Is this your first time?” he asks, kicking some rocks on the way to me. He taps the swing for me to take a seat and pushes me just like Nick used to.
“Talking to my husband? No.”
“Getting angry at him?” he asks, as if he either heard my whole crash out or as if he’s had one too.
I nod. “Why am I even angry at him, Jake? It wasn’t his fault. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“I know, but you’re still allowed to be angry at him, at life, at circumstances, hell, even at the rain. All your feelings are valid. They’re normal.”
“I know anger is supposed to be one of those stages of grief I’ve read so much about, but I never felt it until now. I’ve never been this angry. I’m sorry you had to witness that.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not. Not even a little bit. I’m glad you found the anger. I’m glad you let it out. Because keeping anger inside for too long will simply kill you, Natty.”
I shake my head.
“Pretending to be happy all the time is not how you should live your life, nor how he would have wanted you to live it.”
“Fake it til you make it, no?”
He shakes his head. “Not when I know what you look like when you’re happy.
Or did you forget you might be able to fool a lot of our friends, but not me?
I’ve known you since you were five. I haven’t seen you smile like you did when your friend showed up at the store.
You’ve had that true smile for the past few weeks, and I was wondering what had put it there. ”
“Jake, I—”
“You don’t have to explain to me or to anyone. It’s been four years, Natalie. You’re allowed to find happiness again, and not the one you fake for our sakes.”
“How am I allowed, Jake? Am I allowed to try to find love again when I already had it once? Isn’t that selfish?” My voice breaks on a sob, making Jake stop the swing abruptly and stand in front of me.
“Listen to me very carefully. You are the opposite of selfish. You’re the most selfless person I know.
You’re kind, smart, beautiful, funny, and deserving of being loved again the way Nick loved you.
You are allowed to have a second chance at love.
You are not forgetting him, Natalie. He will always be a part of you. ”
“Jake.”
“Loving Nick doesn’t mean you never get to choose anyone else again. He never wanted his love to make you, the real you, disappear. He would’ve never wanted you to fade away.”
Tears come again, mingling with the sorrow I’ve been keeping at bay, but they rise to the surface now, threatening to drown me.
“You don’t have to let him go, Natty, but you have to let the guilt go.”
Funny how he’s mentioning the same guilt I fought Holden so hard on letting go. “But—” I try to interrupt again.
“No, let me finish. Your heart is huge, and you are allowed to love someone else. You can love them both. It’s okay if you already do. You deserve love.”
I shake my head, but he holds it with both hands, not giving me a way out.
“He doesn’t live here.”
“People have moved for way less than sharing their life with someone wonderful.”
“He has no kids,” I add, knowing damn well that’s a weak excuse. Holden’s not only great with mine, but he said it himself, but he doesn’t need a biological kid to feel like he has them. He wants mine.
Jake smiles. “He was great with yours, from what I could see.”
“But Nick…”
“He would have wanted you to. If anyone knew Nick as much as you did, it was me. I’m telling you right now, he’s happy you found Holden. He’s happy you’re in love again.”
I draw a tiny whisper of sorrow in, a sharp, shallow echo of a sob I won’t let go. “How do we know that ghosts feel happiness?”
His brow rises higher than a skyscraper.
“How do we know they feel anything at all then? If he can’t see you’re happy, then he can’t see you’re being consumed by misplaced guilt.
And I just think that whatever happens after death is beyond either of those scenarios.
I just think we owe it to them, to him, to live life to the fullest, because he never can again. ”
My chest contracts briefly with pain and surprise. I never even thought about it like that before.
“What a waste of the life you get to live if you don’t open yourself up to love again.”
As if he can hear us, a tiny cardinal shows up, flying in front of us and landing on a branch above us. “See, he agrees too.”
I look at him suspiciously, and he chuckles. “What? You didn’t think I remember that’s his favorite animal?”
“So I’m not going crazy?”
“I mean, maybe a little, but I love you either way.” He opens his arms, welcoming me with a brotherly hug. “And judging by the way Holden looked at you and talked about you, I’d say he loves you too. Give yourself permission to love again. Live in fear but, what is it that Allie says?”
“Do it anyway.”
He kisses the top of my head, holding my shoulder and putting some space between us. “Sorry you lost your best friend, too, Jake.”
“It sucks, doesn’t it?”
I blink away the remaining tear. “It does.”
“But what a wonderful thing that we got to know him.” He wraps his arm around me and walks with me to the house, where we do what we always do every year on Nick’s angel-versary.
We crack open his favorite beer and drink it in his honor, remembering him the best way we know how, between laughter, stories, and tears.
Eventually, Allie shows up with my girls, Cara and Alex in tow. We always take some time to be just us, the original group of friends, together since school, and remember him. We do it every year, even if it’s just as hard.
Bella walks into the kitchen, and we freeze. “Don’t you think it’s time I join in the tradition? He was my best friend too, you know?” she says before opening the fridge and pouring herself a glass of sweet tea. “Go on, continue, just keep it PG, please. I am his daughter, after all.”
“Long live, Nick,” Cara says, raising her cup,
“Long live, Nick,” our voices combine in unison.
The night goes by in a flash; eventually, Manny and Livie join us too.
Nellie and Gus take today to do something they love.
They go sailing or to a cabin they bought in Tennessee.
Today’s hard for Nellie too, so I understand.
But even though all of us are here, it feels like I’m missing someone, like the moment is not complete, it’s not whole, because one person I want to share this moment with is not here.
I’m missing Holden, and as if Bella can see it in my eyes, she says, “We should invite Holden next time.”
Tears threaten to spill. My daughter wants to include him in this close-to-our-hearts tradition. A daughter who just first called him by name, as opposed to calling him coach.