Chapter Five
Lust and Loneliness
“Some people chase pleasure because they love it. Others chase it because silence hurts too much.” Ronald had been awake for almost twenty-four hours. The blinds were closed, but thin beams of sunlight still managed to cut through the apartment, exposing the smoke hanging in the air. Empty liquor bottles crowded the coffee table beside fast-food containers and loose hundred-dollar bills. The television was on.
He wasn’t watching it.
A woman lay asleep in his bed.
He couldn’t remember if her name was Danielle… …or Dominique.
He hated when that happened.
Not because he felt guilty.
Because it was becoming normal.
He quietly slipped out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and walked into the kitchen. His reflection stared back at him from the microwave door. Dark circles.
Bloodshot eyes.
Thirty-something years old…
…looking fifty.
He poured himself a glass of water and stood there drinking in silence. For the first time in weeks…
There was no music.
No conversation.
No distractions.
Just him.
And somehow…
That was the loudest noise in the apartment. ?
His phone vibrated.
Twenty-three unread messages.
Most were women.
One wanted to know why he disappeared.
Another asked if she had done something wrong. Another simply read:
“I miss you.”
Ronald sighed.
He cared about none of them.
Not because they weren’t good women.
Because he never stayed long enough to know who they really were. People had become temporary.
Experiences.
Moments.
Escapes.
Nothing more.
Then he saw another notification.
Charmaine.
His heartbeat slowed.
How are you?
Three words.
No accusations.
No pressure.
Just concern.
He stared at the message longer than he wanted to admit. Before he could answer…
The bedroom door opened.
The woman walked out wearing one of his T-shirts. “You leaving already?” she asked.
“I got things to do.”
She smiled.
“I figured.”
She walked over and kissed him on the cheek. “You never let people stay.”
Ronald looked away.
“I don’t sleep good with company.” She laughed.
“I don’t think that’s the reason.” She grabbed her purse.
Before leaving, she stopped at the door. “You know…”
“I don’t think you’re afraid of commitment.” Ronald looked up.
“I think you’re afraid somebody might actually love you.” The apartment fell silent.
She smiled sadly.
Then she walked out.
The door clicked shut.
Ronald stood frozen.
Those words stayed with him long after she was gone. ?
That afternoon he drove aimlessly through the city. No destination.
No plan.
Just movement.
Movement kept him from thinking.
He passed neighborhood parks where fathers pushed children on swings. He watched couples eating lunch outside cafés. Construction workers laughed together during their break. Normal life.
It almost looked foreign.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten dinner with someone without checking his phone every five minutes. He couldn’t remember the last birthday he celebrated. Or the last holiday that didn’t involve alcohol. Everything had become business.
Everything had become temporary.
?
His phone rang.
Nate.
“You alive?” Nate asked.
“Barely.”
“You sound tired.”
“I am.”
“You making money?”
“Yeah.”
“You happy?”
Ronald didn’t answer.
Nate laughed.
“Exactly.”
There was silence.
Then Nate spoke again.
“You know why hustlers never sleep?” Ronald shrugged even though Nate couldn’t see him. “‘Cause we’re always scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Losing everything.”
Nate paused.
“But the funny part is…”
“We usually lose ourselves first.”
The line went quiet.
Neither man spoke.
They didn’t have to.
?
That evening Ronald pulled into the hospital parking lot. He hadn’t told Charmaine he was coming. He simply wanted to see her.
Through the glass entrance he spotted her helping an elderly woman into a wheelchair. She smiled.
Held the woman’s hand.
Adjusted her blanket.
Spoke gently.
Patiently.
Like she actually cared.
Ronald couldn’t stop watching.
No cameras.
No audience.
No reward.
Just kindness.
When Charmaine finally noticed him standing outside, surprise spread across her face. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
She smiled cautiously.
“I’m working.”
“I know.”
“So why are you here?”
Ronald hesitated.
Finally he admitted the truth.
“I needed to be around somebody good.” Her expression changed.
The sarcasm disappeared.
The walls came down.
Just a little.
She walked outside.
“You okay?”
He shrugged.
“I don’t know anymore.”
She studied him.
“You look exhausted.”
“I am.”
“When’s the last time you slept?” “I don’t remember.”
“When’s the last time you ate something besides takeout?” He laughed.
“I don’t remember that either.”
She shook her head.
“You spend so much time chasing excitement…” “…you’ve forgotten what peace feels like.” Her words landed harder than she realized. Because they were true.
?
They sat on a bench outside the hospital. For almost an hour.
No flirting.
No touching.
Just talking.
Charmaine spoke about her patients.
Ronald listened.
Ronald talked about traveling one day.
Opening businesses.
Owning property.
Getting out of the streets.
Charmaine listened.
Finally she looked at him.
“You know what your biggest problem is?” Ronald smiled.
“Besides everything?”
“You confuse attention with love.”
He frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve got dozens of women calling you every day.” “But when you’re hurting…”
“…you sit alone.”
The words stole his smile.
She wasn’t judging him.
She was describing him.
“I think,” she continued softly, “you’ve spent your whole life trying to make people want you…” “…because nobody ever taught you how to value yourself.” Ronald stared at the ground.
No one had ever said it like that.
No one had ever seen him that clearly.
?
Later that night Ronald returned home.
The apartment looked exactly the same.
But somehow…
It felt emptier.
He walked past the liquor bottles.
Past the expensive shoes.
Past the stacks of cash.
None of it impressed him anymore.
He picked up his phone.
Twenty-seven missed messages.
He deleted them all.
Then he opened Charmaine’s conversation. For several minutes he stared at the blinking cursor. Finally he typed:
“Thank you for seeing me today.”
A few seconds later she replied.
“You’re welcome. Just don’t waste the life you’ve been given.” Ronald read the message again.
Then again.
He set the phone on the nightstand and turned off the light. For the first time in years…
He went to sleep sober.
Not because he had beaten his addictions. But because, for one night…
Hope was stronger than hunger.
?
End of Chapter Five