CHAPTER 5 PENN
PENN
It was a full day. Three surgeries, one consultation, and then I had to step in to assist another surgeon this evening. By the time I get home, it’s dark, the house is quiet, and I’m exhausted.
But I’m determined to have this conversation.
It wasn’t until later that it hit me. Aria thought the thing I’ve been hiding from her was Nicole Jenner. The idea makes me sick.
I shake my head as I walk into the house. I don’t know if I’m more disgusted with myself for letting things get this bad or with the fact that my wife could think she isn’t enough for me.
The lights are low, and I’m not surprised. Aria is probably already asleep or at least pretending to be so she can avoid the conversation we need to have.
I thought all afternoon about what I should do. For one second, I even considered letting her believe it. Maybe if I told her she was right and let her think I’d betrayed her, she would hate me enough to leave. She deserves to walk away from me and find the life she wants.
But I can’t do it.
I don’t want her to hate me. Hell, I couldn’t live with myself if she did.
I may need to let her go so she can be happy, but I’m not going to lie and let her think I cheated on her. Not when every part of me has belonged to Aria from the first time I saw her.
I start toward the stairs then stop. Her office.
I turn back and slowly push the door open.
She’s curled up on the couch, asleep. Her face is turned toward the cushions, one hand tucked beneath her cheek. Seeing her there instead of in our bed hits me hard.
I can’t sleep apart from her tonight.
I back out of the office and head upstairs, taking the fastest shower of my life. I wash off the hospital, pull on a pair of shorts, and make my way back downstairs.
When I step into her office again, I look at the small couch and wonder how she managed to sleep on it at all. There’s no way my shoulders will fit beside her, but I’m not leaving her down here alone.
Before I can change my mind, I lean down and slide one arm beneath her knees and the other behind her back and lift her against my chest as gently as I can.
She makes a soft sound but doesn’t wake, and I hold her tighter as I carry her upstairs.
It isn’t until I step into our bedroom that she shifts in my arms, then her eyes open.
“Hey, honey,” I whisper.
She tenses, and the way her body goes stiff against mine hurts more than anything.
“You going to put me down?” she asks, her voice thick with sleep.
I want to kiss her. God, I want to kiss her more than anything, but I don’t deserve comfort when I’m the one hurting her. “If I put you down, are you going to listen to me?”
She studies my face for a long second before nodding.
I start to lower her to the bed, then pause. “Promise me, Aria. Promise me you’re going to listen.”
She bites her lower lip before nodding again. “I promise.”
Only then do I lay her down on the bed. I sit beside her, my hip pressed against hers, then brace one hand on either side of her body and lean over her.
“There is nothing going on with me and Nicole Jenner.”
Aria closes her eyes like the words hurt her even more. Fuck, how did we get to this point?
I lift a hand and brush a piece of hair away from her cheek. “Aria, look at me.”
She opens her eyes, and the pain in them nearly guts me. “You know she’s sleeping with Dr. Paxton, right?”
My forehead creases. “No. He’s married.”
My voice trails off when she gives me a look.
“I know he is,” she says quietly. “That doesn’t mean it’s not true. She’s bragged about bagging a doctor.”
I shake my head, anger rising fast. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugs, but there’s nothing casual about it. “I never thought I had to worry about that with you. And then today…”
“You don’t.” I cut her off because I can’t stand the thought that this even crossed her mind. “You don’t have to worry about that with me. I would never cheat on you, Aria. Never. I don’t even look at other women.”
She opens her mouth, but I keep going. “I wish I’d known about Jenner and Paxton.
If I had, I never would’ve had lunch with her today.
” I look into Aria’s eyes, needing her to believe me.
“You have to know I would never do something like that. I would never risk what we have. I love you. Fuck, Aria, I love you so much it hurts.”
Her hand lifts to my chest, and she traces small circles against my skin. My muscles tighten, and my breath catches. It’s been too long since she touched me like this.
“Why did you have lunch with her today?” she asks.
I let out a breath. “Because she wanted to talk about the continuing education classes at the hospital. The chief of medicine has been on me to help fill them, and I thought if I got her on board, she could convince some of the other nurses. I didn’t want to have lunch with her.
I was trying to get her out of my office, and—”
Her eyes widen. “What was she doing in your office?”
“It was nothing,” I say quickly. “She came in to tell me about a surgery, then asked if I was okay. She offered to listen if I needed to talk, and I shut it down. I didn’t like being alone with her. It felt wrong, so I agreed to talk in the cafeteria because I wanted her out of my office.”
Aria’s face tightens with anger. “So she wants you.”
“She doesn’t matter.”
“But she wants you.” She lets out a humorless laugh and looks away. “Of course she does. People have noticed the distance between us, so maybe she thinks she has a chance.”
I catch her chin gently and turn her face back toward me. “She doesn’t.”
Her hands settle on my shoulders, and her eyes search mine. “But there is a distance between us.”
Her words hit me hard. She’s right. We both know there is.
The truth is right there, sitting between us.
I should have told her a year and a half ago before I started pulling away and before I let her think this was her fault.
But once she knows, she’ll see what I’ve been keeping from her.
She’ll know I can’t give her the future she wants, and she’ll either leave me or stay and resent me.
Instead of telling her what I’m hiding, I give her the only truth I can. “More than anything, I don’t want there to be a distance between us.” I lean closer until I can feel her breath against my mouth. “I love you, Aria. I love you more today than I did the day I married you, and I’ll never stop.”
She lets out a breath, and some of the tension leaves her body.
Then she leans up, pressing herself against me. “I need you, Penn,” she whispers. “I need to feel you.”
My control snaps. I stretch out over her, letting her feel the weight of me. We’ve both been busy, and we’ve both been hurting. I spent the last year and a half building walls between us because I thought distance would make this easier.
But nothing about this is easy.
I lower my mouth to hers. The kiss starts soft, but Aria makes a small sound against my lips, and everything changes. The kiss turns hungry and desperate.
It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had her like this, and I want to take my time with her and remind her that she’s mine.
I pull my mouth from hers and move down her body. When I take her breast into my mouth, she arches toward me, and I drag my teeth lightly over her nipple before soothing it with my tongue.
“Fuck,” I groan.
Even after all these years of marriage, she still responds to me in a way that makes me crazy.