CHAPTER 13 PENN
PENN
I look back at her, and there’s so much hurt in her eyes that it hits me right in the chest. I did that to her.
I shake my head, and the words are out before I can stop them. “Because loving you and being good for you don’t feel like the same thing anymore.”
Aria sits back in her chair, confusion all over her face. “What does that mean?”
I shake my head. I can’t answer that here. Not in the middle of the hospital cafeteria with people walking by and half the staff pretending not to notice us.
“No,” she says, her voice sharp. “Don’t do that. Don’t say something like that and then shut down.”
“I’m not trying to shut down.”
“Then talk to me.”
My jaw tightens. God, I want to. She deserves the truth, and she deserves to hear it from me. But then I look at my wife, and I can’t make myself say it. She’s going to be devastated when she finds out. So all I do is sit there and stare at her.
She lets out a laugh, but there’s nothing funny about it. “Unbelievable.”
I reach for her, but she jerks away from my touch.
“Aria.”
“No.” She grabs her phone and pushes her chair back. “You came over here, asked if I was okay, basically asked if I was dating, told me you’d go to jail if I was with someone else, and then you still won’t tell me what this is.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t ask if you were dating.”
She gives me a look.
I exhale. “Fine. Maybe I did.”
“You did.”
“Fuck.” I drag a hand over my face. “I’m sorry. I had no right.”
She jabs her finger against the table. “You’re my husband, Penn. What do you mean you don’t have any right? None of this makes any sense, but I’m starting to piece it together.”
My whole body goes still. “What does that mean?”
She throws her hands up. “What is it? You don’t want me, but you want to string me along just in case you change your mind? Is that it?”
I stare at her, shocked. “What? No. Of course not.”
She thinks I don’t want her. After everything, after all the ways I’ve touched her and loved her and wanted her, that’s what I’ve made her believe. I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t help. “I love you.”
Her eyes shine with tears. “I know you do.”
She looks so sad it takes everything in me not to pick her up and cradle her against my chest.
She shakes her head. “But I don’t know if you want the same life I want anymore,” she whispers. “And I don’t know how to come home when you won’t tell me the truth.”
I look down at the table because I can’t face the pain I’m causing her.
She stands, and every instinct in me screams to reach for her.
“I have a patient,” she says.
I lift my eyes to hers. “Aria.”
She pauses, and for one second, I swear I see hope on her face.
I open my mouth and stutter out, “There’s no reason for both of us to be sleeping on couches. Go home. It’s yours.”
Her face falls, and I hate myself for it.
She nods once and turns away.
She makes it three steps before I can’t stop myself. “I don’t want you with anyone else.”
She stops, her back to me.
I know it’s the wrong thing to say. It doesn’t fix a damn thing. But it’s the truth, and right now, it’s the only truth I can get out.
She turns just enough to look at me. “Then stop acting like you’re trying to push me to find someone else.”
She doesn’t wait for an answer. She walks away from me, and I can feel all the eyes on us. I’m sure we’ve made a scene. By the end of the day, we will be the talk of the hospital, but I don’t really care.
All I can do is watch my wife walk away again.
And this time, I’m the one who told her to go.
I sit here until she disappears around the corner. Even then, I keep staring like she might come back.
My chest feels too tight, and I have to force myself to take calming breaths. It’s the same thing I tell patients when they’re panicking, but it doesn’t work nearly as well when I’m the one falling apart.
“Dr. Brody?”
I look up and see one of the nurses standing a few feet away with a tray in her hands. Her face is red, like she wishes she hadn’t said anything.
I clear my throat. “Yes?”
“They’re asking for you upstairs.”
Of course they are.
I nod and stand, leaving my untouched coffee on the table. “I’ll be right there.”
I walk out of the cafeteria with every muscle in my body locked tight. People look away as I pass, but I don’t care. All that keeps replaying in my mind is the hurt I put my wife through.
By the time I get to the stairwell, I stop and brace a hand against the wall. Aria’s words replay in my head: “You don’t want me, but you want to string me along.”
I close my eyes because she couldn’t be more wrong.
I want her so much it hurts. I want the family too.
That’s the part that nearly brings me to my knees.
Aria thinks I’m giving up on us. She has no idea that I’ve been grieving this past year, knowing that I’ll never be able to give her the family she wants.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, hoping like a fool that it’s her.
It’s a text from Logan.
Heard you and Aria had a scene at the hospital.
I grit my teeth. Of course he heard. It’s only been ten minutes since she walked away, but of course the news has already spread like wildfire.
I start to shove the phone back into my pocket, but another text comes through from Logan.
You need to fix this.
I stare at the screen for a long second before typing back.
I know.
His response comes fast.
If you don’t, there are a number of men that would die to take your place.
All I see is red. Logan is my brother, and he knows what buttons to push. Of course he went straight for the jugular. I text him back.
Yeah, and that’s exactly what would happen. They would be dead.
For the next few hours, I do my job. I check on patients, review charts, and answer questions. But every time I have a quiet second, I see Aria’s face.
By the time my shift ends, I’m exhausted, and I go straight to the employee showers and then to my office to grab a few hours of sleep. The whole time I’m wondering if Aria moved back home or not. Just the thought of her back in our bed gives me a little bit of peace.