Chapter 4
Ivy
I pull into a parking spot at the grocery store, the black clouds boiling in the distance setting off alarm bells in my belly.
I hate storms, and I hate myself for having such a childish fear.
I’ve done everything I can to get over it, and work hard to keep Nell from finding out I fall to pieces at the first sign of thunder, but…
here I am…staring at black clouds and biting my nails.
My phone buzzes as I kill the ignition and I pluck the device from the cup holder, expecting to see Nell’s school on the caller ID. She hasn’t slept well since the fire, which means her behavior’s likely to slip. Adrenaline jolts through my system when I see who’s calling.
Julian. My fiancé. And the reason I’m living with my grandma in the Keys instead of planning a wedding in Seattle.
I contemplate sending him to voicemail, then huff a laugh. Not wanting to speak to the man I agreed to marry says something. Something Grandma would say I should listen to.
I’m listening, Grandma. I swear.
It’s time to make this break permanent. It’s time to tell Julian Hawthorne I don’t want to marry him. Closing my eyes and swallowing hard, I hit accept and put the phone to my ear as a roll of thunder sends my nervous system into overdrive. Of course he calls when there’s a storm coming…
“Hey.” I force a smile. Julian’s always nicer when I smile.
“Ivy.” There’s no warmth to his voice. No softness. Just the harsh barking of my name that sets my heart pounding.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called,” I say, anticipating his frustration. “There was a fire at Grandma’s and—”
“A fire? When? Are you okay? How’s Nell?”
“We’re fine. It was a while ago and—”
“It was a while ago? Jesus, Ivy! Why didn’t you call me?”
Because Julian would twist things and make this my fault and I wasn’t exactly eager for that discussion.
“We’re okay. Nell’s room is…well it’s uninhabitable, but we’re okay.” I place a hand over my chest and inhale deeply. Calm down, Ives. All is well.
“I knew something like this would happen.” A flash of lightning punctuates the end of Julian’s sentence. “Bad luck follows you and I can’t protect you from your chaotic decisions when we’re on opposite ends of the country.”
“It was an electrical fire. It started in the wall and the fire inspector said no one’s at fault.” Should I really feel the need to defend myself? To point out that faulty wiring has nothing to do with my decisions, chaotic or otherwise?
“When are you coming home?”
“I am home. This has always been home. And I told you…I need—”
“That is not your home. You belong with me. Nell belongs with me. We have a wedding to plan, Ivy. This little crisis of yours needs to come to an end. I’m doing everything I can to mitigate the fallout socially and with our parents, but frankly, I’m losing my patience. You’ve been gone too long as it is.”
“Julian…” My heart pounds so hard, my voice shakes.
This isn’t what love feels like.
“Ivy. This is enough. I’ve had enough. Your parents have had enough. You’ve put Nell through enough. It’s time to grow up and come home. Whatever you’re going through, it’s just cold feet. You know we’re great together.”
Tears well in my eyes and I swipe them away. “Why am I here, then? In the Keys? While you’re back there? In Seattle? If we’re so great together, why am I here?”
His sigh drips with condescension. “I don’t know, Ivy. Why are you in the Keys?”
Because love shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t make me doubt every decision I make. I shouldn’t spend an extra hour getting ready because I’m not sure which outfit you’d like the most. Because I can’t move without you chiming in on whether I did it right or not.
Because Mom married a man like that.
And Grandma married a man like that.
And maybe there’s a chance I don’t have to marry…you.
So Nell will never, ever feel the way I do.
I chew my lip. Is it finally time to say all that?
No. Not now. Not in the parking lot in front of the grocery store while the sky looks more ominous with every passing second.
“I don’t know, Julian. I’m just—”
“If you don’t know, who does?” The question is valid, but the contempt is not. Where’s the love in that voice? The softness? The understanding? “Who should know, if not you?”
I close my eyes. Pinch the bridge of my nose with shaking hands. This is too much. It took every ounce of courage to take Grandma up on her offer to move in with her.
To give myself a chance to breathe, she said.
To remember who I am and what I want before I walk down the aisle, she urged.
Chaotic decision or not, it was the right one, though everything’s been harder since I made it.
The day I moved out of my fiancé’s house, Dad made it clear I was putting him in an awkward position with his boss—who also happens to be Julian’s father.
He swore he wouldn’t help me until I came to my senses, which wasn’t all that different from when he found out I was pregnant.
Back then, he promised to provide everything I needed…
except childcare or the money to fund it.
It seemed reasonable enough at first, especially because Mom promised to help, but Dad shut that down fast. Apparently, I needed a lesson in responsibility and step one was figuring out how to take care of my kid on my own.
As soon as Dad found out I was pregnant, he yanked me out of school and enrolled me in an online high school.
He said it was to save me from being ridiculed, but I always thought it was more about his image than mine.
Either way, I was ostracized. I had no one to watch Nell, which meant no job, then no college, which led to me being completely dependent upon first Dad, then Julian.
When Grandma invited me to stay with her, I plucked my daughter out of the only home she’s ever known and moved her to the opposite edge of the country without the means to support us.
Then the fire…
And then…Micah…
Standing there, covered in sweat and ash and smiling.
Like he was glad to see me. Like he didn’t completely abandon me the second things got hard.
And to drive home the point that I make bad decisions around men, every time he reached for me, I wanted to wrap myself in his arms. I wanted to feel the way I used to, like the whole world could fall to pieces around us and we’d be fine, because Micah and I were together.
As if all of that wasn’t enough to deal with, now this.
Julian barking at me while a storm brews and I have to get groceries with not enough money while waiting to find out if I qualify for housing assistance from a charity run by my ex-boyfriend’s family.
Panic rises in my chest, and I reach for the first excuse I find to end the call.
“Look. I’ve gotta go. Nell’s school is calling and—”
“Of course they’re calling. She’s acting out because you yanked her away from everything that’s familiar. You know she needs a firm hand and consistency. She was flourishing here. Dowington School is good for her. Whatever you’re doing down there isn’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but—”
“Apologies solve nothing, Ivy. Call me tonight. It’s time you put an end to this nonsense. It’s past time.”
The line goes dead and I stare at the screen, blinking back tears. Breathing slowly. Deliberately. In then out.
In.
Then out.
Using Nell as an excuse is bad juju, but I did what I did and I’ll deal with it later.
Tucking my hair behind my ears, I slide out of the car and hurry inside. With any luck, I’ll be safely home before the rain starts.
I peruse the store, carefully tallying prices, passing by treats I’d love so Nell or Grandma can have snacks they enjoy. After all, Grandma is going out of her way to help me and my daughter. She didn’t ask for any of this. I’ll have plenty of time for fresh raspberries after…
Well…after.
I carefully place the food on the conveyor belt and huff a laugh. I did the grocery shopping in Seattle too and never thought twice about cost. My basket was loaded with fresh fruits and vegetables, the best cuts of meat. In comparison, the food I’ve purchased today looks inconsequential.
Maybe Julian is right. Nell doesn’t deserve to live like this. The victim of my chaotic decisions…
I chew the inside of my lip, tapping my middle finger and thumb together in time with the beeping of the register. When my phone goes off with a call from Nell’s school, I nearly jump out of my skin, then sigh in resignation.
You did this, whispers Julian’s voice. You lied about them calling and now look at what’s happening. She’s acting out because of you.
I offer an apologetic smile to the cashier, then answer the call.
“Mrs. Cole?”
“Miss Cole.” The distinction feels important.
“This is Adrian Weathers, the school nurse here at Oceanview Elementary. I have Nell with me. She jumped off the top of the monkey bars and scraped herself up pretty good. I’ve got everything bandaged but thought you should know before she comes home looking like a mummy.”
Nell’s laugh tinkles in the background, making me smile for the first time in hours.
Pinching the phone to my ear with my shoulder, I gather my groceries as the cashier stacks the basket with the others. “Oh, no. My poor Nell Bell. Is she okay?”
My daughter leaps before she looks, her head so full of bright ideas and superheroes that I was on a first name basis with the nurse at Dowington School—a sweet woman who adored precocious little girls like mine.
“She’s gonna be fine.” Adrian Weathers sounds anything but sweet. “She’s learned a good lesson about the proper way to use playground equipment, didn’t you, Nell?”
In the background, I hear my daughter’s stalwart agreement and smile even bigger. That girl is the light of my life. Bright. Vibrant. Full of joy and energy and good intentions. Even over the phone, she makes my day better.
“That’s my Nell.” I head for the exit, shuffling plastic bags as they cut off the circulation in my wrists. “She’s as tough as she is smart.”
“Might I suggest you have a discussion with your daughter about choices and consequences this evening?” The friendliness drains from Nurse Weathers’ voice and I set my jaw. “Impulsivity shouldn’t be rewarded, let alone condoned.”
Ahh. It’s going to be like that. I think Julian said the exact same thing more than once.
The sliding doors close behind me, and I take a deep breath as warm air brushes my chilled skin. The black clouds look closer now and a gust of wind lifts my hair off my shoulders. “Nell’s doing just fine.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree on your definition of fine.”
And just like that, I don’t like the new school nurse.
“Thank you for the call, Mrs. Weathers.”
“Have a nice day, Miss Cole.”
I hear a bright, “Bye Mommy! See you soon!” before the call ends.
I keep the phone pressed to my ear as I pause in front of my car.
My hands are full and my keys are in my purse.
I shift, trying to manage everything so I can put my phone away and unlock my car when the handles rip off two bags at once.
Cans, eggs, a gallon of milk, they crash to the pavement while I stagger back, barely catching my phone before I trip over a pack of pudding cups and fall on my ass.
My teeth clack together. Pain shoots up my spine.
I hear the condescension in Julian’s voice, reminding me that I can’t do anything without him propping me up. I smell the charred wood of Nell’s room. The smoke billowing out her door. The nurse. My parents. The broken eggs spilling across the pavement. Thunder rattles my bones.
I can’t breathe.
My lips tingle.
My eyes burn.
My chest heaves.
I can’t…
I can’t…
How am I…?
What am I gonna…?
Oh my God, what’s gonna happen to me?
Get yourself together, you stupid idiot! Julian’s voice or mine, who knows, but it’s in my head and that’s the last straw.
I push up on my hands and knees, gathering my groceries as tears stream down my cheeks.
My name echoes across the parking lot. A deep voice that feels like home. I smile reflexively, suddenly certain everything is going to be okay, only to look up and find Micah Hutton coming my way.