Chapter 27
Micah
When the first flash of lightning lit up my bedroom, my initial thought was Ivy and her fear of storms. I swore I wouldn’t check on her.
But I did.
Then I swore I wouldn’t get in bed with her.
But I did that too.
I wasn’t going to pull her into my arms, but by that point, I’d accepted I wasn’t in control anymore. My feelings for her are too strong. Too real.
I’m not supposed to love her, but I never stopped.
I’m not supposed to want her, but I have for years.
I’m not supposed to touch her, but I might as well deny myself oxygen.
I’d reached the point of no return with Ivy. The only thing that could have stopped us from making a mistake—or finally fixing a mistake, who the fuck knows?—is Nell.
I don’t know if her timing is perfect or terrible.
I stop in the bathroom, washing the taste of Ivy off my lips, my hands. I clutch the porcelain sink and glare at my reflection.
Game face, Hutton. Switch thought processes. You can’t go into your daughter’s bedroom thinking about her mom like this.
And…that did it. Feeling a little like a pervy creep, I swipe my hands through my hair, then knock lightly on Nell’s door.
“Mama?” Her normally sweet voice trembles.
“Nope. Guess again.” For some reason, I speak in a terrible accent that twists itself around Russia and ends up in Italy.
Nell giggles. “Micah.”
I step into her room and flick on the light. “Dang. You’re a good guesser.”
“You’re just bad at accents.” Nell sits up, crossing her legs and looking sheepish. “I had a bad dream.”
“Does that happen to you a lot?”
“Sometimes.” She shrugs.
“Was this one about the fire?”
She shakes her head. “I haven’t had one of those in a long time.”
Considering she’s only lived with me for a few weeks, I fight back a smile. Time is trapped in perception. Nell’s version of forever is over in a snap for me.
I sit on the edge of her bed, the mattress creaking under my weight. “That’s good to hear. I’m glad that’s not bothering you anymore.”
“Giuseppe said I was being a big baby, but I told him he should wake up with his whole wall on fire and see how he feels about it.” Nell smiles, fiddling with the edge of her comforter.
I lean down to meet her eyes. “I bet he’d cry,” I say in a conspiratorial whisper.
“I did.” She hangs her head.
“And I bet he would too. What happened to you is a very scary thing.”
“You wouldn’t cry.” Nell stops fidgeting and meets my gaze. Earnest. Trusting. “You aren’t afraid of fire.”
“Not when I have my gear and I’m prepared. But if I woke up and my wall was on fire, you better believe I’d be afraid.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“I might even cry a little too.”
Nell scoffs. “Now I know you’re fibbing.”
“I never say things I don’t mean, Super Girl. It’s easier for everyone that way. No games. No guessing. Just real stuff.”
My daughter cocks her head and wrinkles her nose. “Super Girl?” She sounds less than impressed.
“What? No good? Every superhero needs a nickname.” Thunder booms and lightning flashes and we look to the window.
“How about Lightning Girl?” she asks, her focus returning to mine with a smile.
“I like it. Maybe even LG for short?”
She nods. “And you can be Captain Thunder.”
“Captain Thunder it is,” I say. “And Mom? What about her?”
Nell taps her finger on her chin, pondering the question. “Poison Ivy is already taken, but Mom’s not evil, and Poison Ivy is, so that name isn’t good anyway.”
“Maybe we’ll need to noodle on a good one for her.” I boop Nell on the nose. “Feel like talking about that bad dream?”
She returns to fiddling with the hem on her comforter. “I think it was the storm,” she says, hesitantly. “I was dreaming about Julian yelling at Mom because she’s scared of them.” She lifts her gaze, suddenly nervous. “Don’t tell her I know. She doesn’t want me to.”
“It’s our secret.” I hold out my pinky finger. “Swear it.”
Nell twines her pinky with mine, then kisses our knuckles for good measure before releasing me.
She takes a deep breath. “See, there was this one night, when it was really bad and Julian screamed at Mom that she was being a baby. And he left and it made her cry and when I tried to go make her feel better she just pretended like she had something in her eye. Well in my dream, he was yelling at her and his face just turned into this big red tomato thing and swelled up and…” Nell shudders.
“It was really gross, Captain. Really gross. And then it popped and it was even grosser.”
The nickname makes me grin, but I wipe it away. Nell looks too serious and I don’t want her to think I’m laughing at her.
“His tomato face popped? That is gross, LG.”
She nods, shuddering again. “And like, all the nasty things that live in him came crawling out and that’s when I woke up.”
“Was Julian ever mean to you? Like he is to your mom?”
“He…he doesn’t like kids very much. So there are a million rules I can never remember and sometimes, if I’m following one rule, I have to break another and it’s like…I don’t know. I can’t do things right even when I try so, so hard to be good.”
The look on Nell’s face is a carbon copy of one I’ve seen on Ivy’s. One that hasn’t made sense because it doesn’t belong to the woman I used to know. I’d had my suspicions about this asshole of an ex, but Nell just confirmed them. This douche is lucky Seattle is a long way from Florida.
“So,” I say, swiping a hand over my mouth and leaning close to whisper, “I don’t really know how this nightmare stuff goes. You’re gonna have to talk me through it, Lightning Girl.”
Nell giggles. “Talk you through what?”
“Making you feel better so you can go back to sleep. Do I just toss the blankets back over you and walk out of the room?” I pretend to wipe my hands clean. “And then it’s a done deal and everything’s okay?”
She shakes her head, the sad look on her face slipping away. “That’s not how Mom does it.”
“Okay, see? I have no clue what I’m doing. You’re fuh…err…screwed if you’re relying on my instincts.” I congratulate myself on avoiding the F-word while Nell’s jaw drops.
“That’s a bad word!”
“What? Screwed?”
“You said it again!” She covers my mouth with her hand. “Come on, Captain!”
Oof. Okay. Gonna have to take it all the way to G-rated then.
“What’s step one?” I ask, my voice muffled by her palm. “On the nightmare stuff?”
Giggling, Nell sits up straighter. “Mom rubs my hair and fluffs my pillows.”
“Like this?” I press my hand firmly to her head and slide it down her back, then punch her pillow, leaving a fist-sized dent in the thing.
Nell giggles again. “No, silly.” Her brown eyes flick to mine and she wrinkles her nose, then gently fluffs her pillow back into shape before lying down. “Now you have to be gentle on my head. Like I’m a cat.”
“Oh…” I brush her hair away from her face, smiling because it’s almost the same shade as Ivy’s, because seeing my face on this little person does something funny to my heart. “Like this, then.”
Nell snuggles into her pillow. “Now you’ve got it, Captain.” Her eyes slide closed, but then she peeks one open. “Mom sometimes tells me a story, or sometimes she promises everything will be okay and sits with me until I fall asleep.”
“Remember how I told you I never say anything unless I mean it?” I draw the comforter up over her shoulders, gently tucking her in.
“Mhmm.” Nell’s lips part as she slides toward sleep.
“Good. Because I promise you, everything is going to be okay. I won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again, Lightning Girl. And when I say ‘promise,’ you can count on it being true. I will never promise something I can’t make happen.”
A half-smile twitches her lips and I watch as she crosses the line to sleep. Then stand and quietly switch off the light.