Chapter 57
Liisa
Johanna’s body was removed from the cabin.
She was sick, so I guessed no questions had been asked by the authorities.
Mikael sorted everything out. I spent a lot of time in my room.
Mikael had cooked me a meal, but I was so woozy afterwards that I slept for a whole day.
When I woke up there was dirt in my hair.
I think he drugged my food and put me in the hole.
I was glad I didn’t remember it. Glad that Johanna was gone.
I didn’t think of home, because it wasn’t there anymore.
Mikael never missed a chance to remind me that Mother had moved on.
But I still yearned to be free. Free to study.
Free to go to the shops. Free to choose my own clothes.
Because there was nothing here for me. Nothing until, one day, Mikael told me that he had a surprise.
He must have felt my uneasiness, now that Johanna was gone.
“Tomorrow,” he said. “Sleep well. Because tomorrow will be a happy day.”
But I couldn’t sleep that night. Because Mikael’s idea of a “happy day” was not the same as mine.
I thought through my options. Mikael was quietly cheerful now that Johanna was gone, but I didn’t know how he would react if I tried to run.
Where would I go? It wasn’t as if anyone was looking for me.
I ached to see my mother, wherever she was. I hadn’t given up on her yet.
Now it’s morning and I wish Mama was here to tell me what to do.
I get dressed early so that Mikael won’t get to watch.
I feel even less safe, now Johanna isn’t here to set down the rules.
The cabin feels so weird without her. I expect her heavy footsteps to come thumping down the hall.
To hear the drilling sound of her sewing machine at night.
Mikael will need to leave me alone at some point, to get supplies from the shops.
Milk, bread, butter, toilet rolls—we are low on everything.
Maybe he will take me with him. Maybe that is my surprise.
The thought of seeing other people lifts my spirits.
Mikael is smiling as he opens the door. “Come,” he gestures. He is dressed for outside.
“Are we going shopping?” I follow him out and pull on my boots.
“Better than that.” He hands me Johanna’s old gloves and thick knitted scarf.
The smell of fish rises from the woolly material, bringing Johanna back into the room.
I shudder as her memory wraps itself around me.
Mikael stops at the cabin door. “Don’t run.
You’ll be sorry if you do.” He stares, his blue eyes boring into me. “Really sorry.”
But I can’t see his stun gun. There is nothing but hope on his face.
Hope that I’ll see this out with him, whatever this is.
I wonder if he misses Johanna or if he’s glad she is gone.
I nod and take his hand. It doesn’t creep me out so much these days because I’m used to it now.
He takes something from his pocket. It is a small brown pouch.
His lips creep up in a smile as we trudge through the snow.
The cold air feels like a blessing on my skin.
And the sun is weak but wonderful. I blink, inhaling every precious second of the outdoors. In the distance a bird calls.
We turn a corner to the back of the house.
There’s a building that I’ve never seen before.
I hear movement in the snow. I see the hay first and almost lose my breath as a horse comes into view.
I blink again. It’s still there. It whickers at the sight of us.
This beautiful creature with a thick chestnut coat and gold mane.
Mikael lets go of my hand and gives me the bag.
“Sugar lumps,” he simply says, the smile on his face wide.
“For Kukka.” The name means “flower,” but she is much more than that.
It’s as if she stepped straight out of the pictures I used to draw.
She is everything in this moment, and tears rush to my eyes.
“Kukka.” I breathe the name, too scared to ask the question, Who owns her? Is she mine?
“Go on, say hello to your horse.” Mikael nudges me forward as Kukka approaches the fence. Not a sharp punch to the back, like Johanna. She would never have allowed this.
I slip off one of my gloves and place a sugar lump in my palm.
Kukka blows out from her nose, wanting to say hello, too.
I blow towards her nostrils. Feel the blissful sense of her muzzle against my palm.
Laugh at the tickle of her whiskers on my skin.
“They’re called vibrissae,” I say, demonstrating my knowledge of my most favourite creature in the world.
“Their whiskers help their senses. You must never trim them.” I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be this happy.
It’s a warm, comforting feeling as a little part of my old self returns.
Kukka is impatient and hungry for more. I look at the water trough, hooked up to electricity so that it will never freeze. Then I notice that the stable has two sections. One for shelter, one for straw.
I have to ask, because I can’t bear it anymore. “Is she . . . is she really mine?” I swallow. Wait the agonising moments for his response. She is so beautiful; I can hardly bear it.
Mikael leans towards me, the familiar smell of liquorice on his breath.
“She’s yours if you behave.” His voice drops to a menacing calm.
“But if you don’t . . .” His face hardens, shadows darkening his expression.
“I’ll put a bullet in her head.” He points a finger at her temple, mimicking the pull of a trigger with a sharp clicking sound.
He blows out his cheeks, the sound of imaginary gunshot cutting through the air.
“Ride her in the paddock, but not a step beyond.”
Then I understand. Johanna isn’t here to watch me anymore. But Kukka is enough to make sure that I never put a foot wrong. I know he is capable of doing it. Because when Mikael gets angry, he is not in control. Johanna did not die on her own.
“Thank you,” I say, before wrapping my hands around the base of Kukka’s neck and burying my head in her mane.
I breathe in the scent of her and bask in the heavy weight of her chin on my shoulder.
The moment is bittersweet. I know that I will never leave.
At least not without my horse. She might be my only chance of escape.