Chapter 60
Liisa
“Have you got everything?”
Shoulder-to-shoulder, Mikael and I walk through the lonely supermarket aisles.
He is embarrassed because I’m here to buy what he calls “female things.” He walks awkwardly by my side as I pick up tampons and sanitary towels—items Johanna had told me about, two whole years ago, before she died.
It seems like an eternity ago now. Until recently I’ve been so embarrassed that I’d been making do with balled-up socks and wads of toilet paper.
I kept my secret for as long as I could.
It is hard when you don’t have a mother or sister to turn to for advice. I don’t know what size to get.
Mikael scratches his whiskery beard as I stare at the shelves. “Get one of everything,” he says, keen to be out of here.
I eye the bars of Tupla chocolate near the checkout.
He pauses to fumble with his wallet and, as the checkout lady turns away, I grab two bars and shove them in the pocket of my coat.
When she turns, all she sees is a red-faced idiot girl, embarrassed by her big brother’s presence as she scans the sanitary items. Living in the wilderness has aged Mikael, and his beard covers most of his face.
As for me, in my plaits and this stupid smock I’m the picture of innocence.
“Don’t worry,” she whispers and gives me a maternal wink. “It will get easier.”
I wish with all my heart that she could see who I am.
I open my mouth to speak, but already she is handing Mikael his change.
His fingers bite into my shoulder as he guides me outside.
I am a quiet soul, unused to human interaction.
My only love is Kukka, the horse that I fight to protect.
The horse with a scar running down her beautiful neck.
That was my last escape attempt, when I jumped the confines of the paddock fence and tried to leave with her.
It’s healed over the course of the year.
I have a similar scar on my stomach, as Mikael didn’t want to mark my face.
The sound of my beautiful Kukka in pain hurt far more.
His cruelties were enough to break the last threads of my spirit.
But still there are times like these, when we are out in the open, when I hope.
Hope that someone recognises me. Hope that someone takes Mikael away.
Hope that Kukka and I can live the rest of our lives in peace.
The journey home is made in silence, and I gaze in wonder at the falling snow. We pass children playing and a giant black dog running off his leash. The children are dressed in different-coloured coats, red, blue, and yellow. I watch them laughing, chasing, falling over and getting up again.
We return to what is now my home. I carry my purchases from the car.
Mikael has been to the hardware store. He is a regular there, always making things that you can’t buy in the shops.
A ball of dread knots my stomach as we enter our cabin.
I’m allowed a once-monthly trip to the supermarket as long as I behave.
But my breathing has become out of sync. It feels strange to be out of my room.
I used to stare at the CCTV cameras in the hope that somebody would recognise me, but Mikael knew what I was up to.
He gave me such a beating when we got back.
Now I walk with my head hung low. Besides, there are no “Missing” posters.
If people are still looking, someone would have recognised me by now.
Mother lives in England. Mikael said she has started a new family without me.
“Out of sight, out of mind,” as they say in the UK.
At least I’ve been able to study. After Johanna died, Mikael bought me every book I asked for and more.
Some days he could be kind. He has many different faces and I’ve not yet seen them all.
I’ve learned about law. I know everything about horses, my first love.
I escape through my books every day. I’m still here, still alive, and nobody except Mikael cares.