Chapter 48
Forty-Eight
Ella
I knew it was Dirk at the door before he knocked. I could sense the hesitation in him, the nerves and discomfort. They had been brewing like a storm all morning, and now they were growing stronger as he drew nearer.
He knocked.
“I know you know I’m here,” he said. “We need to talk. Can you open the door and let me in?”
I didn’t want to talk. I wanted him to go away. To leave me alone.
My hand came up, fingers running over the spot where he’d bitten me. I could still feel his fangs, sinking in deep, painful yet perfect, in the moment exactly what I’d longed for.
The beast in my head was quiet but watchful. Present.
You think we should just forgive him because he’s our mate. As if that absolves everything, all the lies.
She huffed and turned away. I recoiled as her tail came flying around to deliver a mental slap I hadn’t known was possible.
“What the hell was that for?” I murmured, stunned by her actions.
“Ella?”
Oh, damn. Now he’d heard me talking out loud.
I stormed over to the door, slid the reinforced lock bar to the side, and pulled it open an inch. He could open it the rest of the way.
“Thank you.” He slipped inside, pausing in the entryway to look at me. “Are you mad at me? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting up here.”
He tapped his head, meaning our bond. I wished I could rip it out, somehow, free me from it.
Dirk’s eyes widened. “What is going on?”
“Don’t play that game with me, Dirk. Not after the message you left on the front gates. Did you think I wouldn’t know it was you? As if anyone else could have done that, with him?”
I crossed my arms, feeling defiant as I waited for his response.
“No, it was me,” he said, nodding slowly. “You’re right. I did it. I put it there.”
“You killed him.”
He nodded, standing his ground, not advancing into the room. He was keeping his distance from me, and for some reason that hurt, even though I didn’t want him near me.
“All I’ve wanted since I locked eyes with you at the chalet that day is to protect you, Ella,” he said softly. “That’s what I thought I was doing. Protecting you and sending a message to try to protect others.”
I shook my head. “Uh-uh. Nope. You are not going to pretend like this was for me. I didn’t ask for his head to be stuck to the wall. I didn’t ask you to kill him. I was content thinking he’d died years ago, taken down by some Fae or a feral shifter. You did this because you wanted to.”
“Ella …”
“You did it because all you’ve wanted is to ‘avenge’ me, Dirk.
To avenge what happened to me. You’ve said it yourself on multiple occasions.
That you’ll prove Mirko was behind the attack, and you’ll take care of him yourself for putting me in danger.
That doesn’t protect me. That satisfies your urge for bloodlust.”
Dirk didn’t move as I laid out the truth of his claims. He didn’t even blink, to the point he could have been cast from steel.
“That’s not protecting me. I wanted, no, needed, to be cared for. Cuddled, caressed and cradled. Feed me in bed. Smack my ass when you walk by. Whisper in my ear that I’m the only girl for you. Hold my hand in public. That’s protecting me, keeping me safe.”
“No, that’s loving you,” Dirk ground out. “All of which I have tried to do. But that’s not protecting you. Not in the world you live in now, Ella. Not from people as ruthless as them. I can’t let them hurt you. Not again.”
“They haven’t hurt me again, Dirk. You have.”
He staggered visibly, needing a moment to gather himself. “I’m sorry, Ella. For that …”
I waited as he struggled to continue, working his jaw and flexing one hand over and over again.
“I’m sorry for hurting you then. And for having to hurt you again. Because there’s something else you need to know. Something about me.”
I arched an eyebrow. This remorseful, regretful version of Dirk was not what I’d conjured up in my head when I imagined this conversation. He was taking the blame and accepting it. I knew he wasn’t faking it either. He wasn’t trying to hide a single thing pouring through our bond.
The man was sad, upset, angry … and all of it was directed at himself. None of it at me.
“What else do you have to say?”
“Two things. One of which I’ve been told isn’t my fault but feels as if it is. The other is my fault.” He bowed his head, eyes closed.
“I’m listening,” I said, just a bit softer than before.
“A long time ago, Jiricek Grange and I crossed paths. I took his eye, but I let him live.” Dirk looked up, and my dragon made a very unhappy sound as we saw the pain there.
“If I hadn’t, if I’d dealt with him that night, you would never have suffered at his hands. You could still … you would be unhurt.”
“What else do you have to say?” I asked, warring sides of me fighting over ownership of this new knowledge.
Part of me wanted to be even angrier at Dirk. How could he possibly have spared such a creature as Grange, knowing what he did? Knowing what he would do to me, what he would take from me?
The other half, the logical side, pointed out the giant flaw in my reasoning. That Dirk had no way of knowing what Grange would do in the future. He could not be blamed for my pain.
Dirk cleared his throat, his eyes bouncing around, unable to settle on anything. “The other thing you should know is that I … I used to be one.”
“One?”
“A Hunter. I used to be a Hunter, Ella. Long ago. Before I knew, before I understood that it was wrong.” He breathed in and out, then again, his jaw clenched until the muscles in his neck stood out.
“I was a good one, in their eyes. My name is on the wall in their headquarters, and I hate myself every day for it.”
A rush of guilt and loathing followed those admissions, the emotions mixing thoroughly. I tasted each of them, but only briefly, because they were quickly washed away by another feeling. Relief. It was bitter, yes, but it was there, and it was strong.
“Thank you.” I swallowed. “For telling me.”
Dirk looked up, finally meeting my eyes again. “You aren’t surprised. At all.”
I smiled tightly. “I was recently made aware of your prior status. I’m glad you told me instead of forcing me to get it out of you.”
“Who?”
I started to shake my head, but silver flashed in his eyes as the link betrayed me.
“Mirko,” Dirk hissed in cold rage. “He’s put you in his crosshairs. Again. I will stop him.”
“No, Dirk.” I shook my head. “You need to stop this crazy obsession with him. He’s evil. Yes. I’m not saying he’s a good man. But you need to let Caz handle him. Let it play out properly without going on your own personal crusade.”
Dirk looked out at me through a face I barely recognized, so twisted with hate and darkness. “It’s the only thing I know how to do,” he whispered. “He has to be stopped.”
“Then let Caz stop him, please. That’s his job,” I pleaded with him, scared of the dark light in his eyes and what it foretold.
“No, not this time it’s not,” he whispered, turning away. “This time he’s crossed a line.”
I threw up my hands in frustration, shouting at his back. “Did you not actually listen to anything we just talked about?”
But Dirk was already gone.