64. Blake #2
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have taken off like that. I shouldn’t have scared you. I shouldn’t have… lied to you.” I bite my lips together, my scratchy throat swelling as emotion takes me out. “I’ve been a horrible sister.”
“No, you haven’t. You just…” He shakes his head. “I’m not mad at you, Blakey. It just hurts to know you’re pulling away from me.”
“I didn’t mean to,” I rush out. “I guess I was just afraid to tell you the truth, because I wasn’t sure you’d understand. I thought you might judge me and… and…” My head starts shaking just the way his did. “I don’t know what I thought.”
“You didn’t think I’d understand?” He leans forward with a pained frown. “We grew up in the same house, sis. I know the pressure.”
“But you didn’t buckle under it. I did.”
“I wasn’t being forced to do things I wasn’t into. I love football, so the pressure didn’t matter so much to me. I felt supported. You obviously felt…” He waves his hand at me, letting me plug the gap.
“I felt…” I lick my bottom lip, wincing at the dried, peeling skin. “I felt trapped, like I was locked in a straitjacket and if I tried to get out, everyone would be so disappointed.”
“So you lost the plot. ”
I swallow, nodding because that’s all I can do.
He lets out a heavy sigh, linking his fingers together and looking pained. “It kills me that I couldn’t be there for you. That Cleo bitch, I have some words for that chick. And those assholes who treated you like their personal sex toy? I wouldn’t mind breaking a few of their limbs for ya.”
I let out a dry laugh. “It’s not worth it. They’re not worth it.”
“But you are.” He looks at me, silently begging me to believe it. “And if you’d told me, I would have been there for you in a heartbeat.”
My heart cracks right down the middle at the look on his face. Deep down, I knew he would. I could have called him at any time, but I was too ashamed. And I didn’t want him having to deal with my mess.
“I couldn’t ask you to do that. You can’t be my guardian forever.”
“Yes, I can.” He’s so adamant that a wispy laugh bubbles out of me, but it quickly dies off.
“I have to forge my own life away from this family.”
“What?” He sits up straight, looking utterly horrified.
“No, I mean, I’ll always be part of this family, but I need to figure out what I want outside of it.
All my decisions before Chicago were based on what I thought you guys wanted for me.
But I need to break away from that.” I give him a pained smile, imploring him to get what I’m saying.
“I need to be Blake. Not ‘Blake, Wily’s little sister’ or ‘Blake, valedictorian.’ Not ‘Blake, David and Joanne’s daughter.
’ And not ‘Blake, the smartest girl in the room.’” I spit out the last few words, then huff.
“I don’t know what I am, but I think I’m starting to figure it out. ”
Those words give me a sense of hope. It’s soft and a little uncertain, but I cling to it like a promise.
Wily shuffles in his seat, adjusting his leg before frowning at me. He looks all injured and wounded by what I just said, and I wish I could have worded it better.
“So you don’t want to talk to me about stuff anymore?” His voice is small and vulnerable.
It’s a relief to be able to smile and reassure him.
“Of course I do. You’re my best friend. But I don’t need you to be my watchdog anymore.
And I have to stop trying to be the perfect little sister.
I can’t make you proud all the time. And if I’d realized that, I would have come to you sooner, before I really fucked things up for myself. ”
“I never asked you to be perfect.”
“I know.” I wince, my expression crumpling as I rub my aching forehead.
“Hey.” Wily leans forward, straining to reach me. I throw him a bone and stretch out my arm, letting him take my hand. “I love you, sis. Always. No matter what.”
“I love you too.” It’s easy to say because it’s so freaking true.
He gives me a kind smile, then tuts and pulls a comical face. “And you love Grady, don’t you?”
I laugh and nod. “Yeah. Like a lot.”
He rolls his eyes, giving my hand a squeeze before letting go and slumping back into his chair. “Pretty sure he loves you too,” he grumbles.
“Yeah.” I grin.
“Like a lot.” Wily gives me a pointed look.
“He was gonna go down fighting for you last night. You should have seen him. You should have heard his voice when he knew you’d gone into that forest, in the dark, unprepared.
I thought he was gonna lose it.” He looks at the wall, letting out a heavy sigh before softly admitting, “It made me realize this thing you two have going can’t just be some mindless fling. ”
“It’s not.” My smile keeps growing. As much as I hate that I put Grady through those kinds of emotions, it’s also kind of comforting to hear how worried he was. I mean something to him. Like a lot of somethings.
He loves me.
Wow.
He really loves me.
“Shit,” Wily grumbles. “My teammate and my little sister. I’m hating it.”
“Oh, come on. You’d hate whoever I dated. And he’s a million times better than Nico and Simon, believe me.” I bulge my eyes, kicking myself for bringing them back into this conversation.
Wily’s expression darkens. “Seriously, butt face. What was up with that shit?”
“Don’t even ask.” I flick my hand through the air. “I was in a really messed-up place.”
“But you don’t feel that way with Grady?”
“No way. He’s…” And there I go with the dopey smile. It grows over my lips, all silly and exaggerated. But I can’t help it. “He’s the one who makes me feel safe enough to be myself.” I look at my brother, my gaze clear and steady. “I’ve never felt more free than when I’m with him.”