Chapter 5
Reader, things can always get worse.
I can’t do it, I can’t do it.”
I was shaking. Numbness in my fingers, mind buzzing like honeybees, my body too hot then far too cold—the Clearing was a riot of too much sound, too many people trying to talk to me, too many smells, too much of everything.
Rosie knelt in front of me, rubbing my shoulders, willing warmth back into my body.
“I can’t,” I panted.
“You can, love. You can,” she said imploringly. “Hey, I’m right here, okay?” She patted the side of my cheek, a gentle reminder to tap back into reality.
But my heart was fracturing. I could feel magic seeping away like tea in my cracked cups at home. My home. I’d have to leave it behind. I’d have to leave Rosie. I’d have to leave my entire everything.
“Clara, listen to me,” Rosie said, holding my face in her hands. “You can. You will. You have garden magic, for Goddess’s sake! Just grow a garden like you do for us and then come back home.”
“It’s not that simple, Rosie.” The words came out harsh and spiked, their barbs landing right into Rosie. Her eyes faltered. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, I understand. I would be upset, too. But Clara, this quest is going to be simple for you.”
No, it won’t.
Because if I took one step out of Moss Wood, my magic evaporated—sucked dry right from my soul like the earth in a long drought.
The first time I’d left for the Idle Woods to retrieve the pine needles for the Celebration, I foolishly thought my magic would go with me.
I hadn’t yet left Moss since I’d arrived, and there was a part of me that thought the magic might be mine after all.
But then I saw the sign that told me I had left Moss; my heart crunched in, and the magic drained out of me.
As soon as I returned to Moss, magic rushed back into me—filling a hollow place in my chest. I knew then, I could never leave.
Without my magic, I didn’t have much to offer the world.
And Moss was my world, so why leave? I felt like a fraud each Celebration, each harvest, each day, really.
But I did good work and fed an entire town.
Surely, that was enough to absolve me of not having true garden magic?
The only real thing about me was my love of Moss, and my fear of losing it all.
And to complicate matters more, Moss’s magic was only as strong as my heart.
When heartbreak came along, things withered around me.
I’ve killed entire harvests overnight just from one memory of my life before all of this.
Yet another secret I’d kept squirreled away, the shame festering deep in my soul.
What would happen now with my heart ruined beyond repair?
“Oh, darling.” Sylvie rested a hand on my shoulder now. I had no idea when she’d found her way over here from Remi, but she offered her signature words of comfort: “You’ve done harder things before, eh?” She nuzzled the top of my head.
“Sylvie, I don’t know if that’s what Clara needs to hear right now,” Rosie offered kindly.
“Sorry, sorry!” Sylvie said and helped me to my feet.
“Hon, you are going to be okay. I know this is a shock—to you and to us all—but you have garden magic, Clara. You’ll get that job done before the month is even up!
Hells, kid, it really won’t be that hard!
” With that, Sylvie walked away and back into the group that had re-upped the party once more.
My heart actively crumpled. Sylvie and Rosie had known me for fifteen years, and still, I’d never unearthed this secret to them. A fraudulent gardener, a fraudulent friend.
“We are going to figure this out together, all right?” Rosie swiped a stray curl out of my face, and I let my cheek rest in her giant hand.
“But we won’t be together. You can’t come with me.
” Despite her best efforts, Rosie did look forlorn at that.
She couldn’t come along; this quest had been assigned to me and only to me.
“I’m going to have to travel into the Shadow Woods and Irk Road by myself.
” I didn’t even mean to say it out loud, but the realization hit me in the gut.
This quest was impossible, and the likelihood I would die on my way there was high.
“You will not be by yourself,” a calm voice said behind me.
I whirled around, ready to deck whoever could manage to be this composed at a time like this.
Agnus stood before me, utterly disgusted at my display of… every emotion a human could experience at once. She looked me up and down as if trying to pinpoint what the earth, Fates, and Eldrene could possibly have seen in me.
“Eldrene has bestowed you with a Goddess-given protector to aid you on your journey. From this night forward, they will stay by your side until the very end of the quest. Eldrene’s orders.”
I gritted my teeth. This Goddess had the gall to send me away on a quest that I could not fulfill, and she strapped me with someone I’d never met before in my life?
I did not need help. I did not want help. Did that make me a fool, seeing as I couldn’t read a map right to save my life? Perhaps. But this was my demise, this was the end of my world. I didn’t need anyone to bear witness to my fracturing soul.
Hells, this day couldn’t have gotten any worse.
“Hesper Altanfall.” A shadow appeared behind Agnus. A familiar shadow.
This day did, in fact, get worse.
“You,” I seethed.
Agnus quirked an eyebrow, looking between the shadow and me. Or should I say the-unhelpful-stranger-who-saved-my-tulip and me?
Excellent. I’d have to leave the only place I ever loved, lose my magic, die, and, worse than all of that, deal with someone who found sick pleasure in toying with my precarious emotions while I languished away on the bed.
They could have just given me the tulip.
Instead, they dragged the scene out until I cried.
To what end? It was their fault in the first place that I lost track of the squirrel, and they had the gall to make it into a funny joke?
Goddess help me (actually, don’t, seeing as she was the one freshly ruining my life).
And I hadn’t even seen their face yet. Probably some mangled boy in his twenties who happened to be well-built and also infuriating. I narrowed my eyes at them, hoping beyond all hope that looks really could kill.
“Ah, I see you know each other already. And by the looks of it, this journey should be a fun one for both of you,” Agnus said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Rosie sucked in a breath, most definitely prepping to stop me from attacking either Agnus, the shadow, or both.
“May the Fates see you through to a happy end, Clara.” Agnus gave me a curt nod and turned to leave.
“What happens if I can’t do it?” I called out.
“Can’t do what, child?” Agnus asked, perturbed but at least listening.
“What if I can’t grow a garden? What if I don’t succeed, what happens then?”
“Eldrene will decide a fitting punishment if the task is not complete within a month,” Agnus replied flatly.
So I wouldn’t be coming home. And a Goddess would see to my bitter end to boot.
Trembling returned to my body, and Rosie came to stand beside me, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
She had always been good at this—calming the storm, being a light in the dark.
She was the one I needed, not the protector looking on, probably in amusement, as I fell apart right in front of everyone.
“Any further questions, Clara?” Agnus asked.
“No,” I murmured.
Then Agnus disappeared, too. No moss or petals were left in her wake, just an empty space between the protector and me, who, thankfully, had turned away.
I pressed my head onto Rosie’s shoulder, unable to keep the tears from streaming down my face. She patted the back of my head and gave me a loving squish. I held on to her, not willing to let go because maybe, if I just held on tight enough to Rosie, this would all fade away into a dream.
“Clara, you have to have hope,” Rosie whispered into my ear. “Please.”
Rosie’s voice held a hint, the smallest fraction, of true pleading.
We had been friends for so long that she’d inevitably noticed my magic sputter when hard months came along.
When sorrow came and when it left. I always thought I hid it well enough that no one would notice.
But in my heart, I knew she saw when the wisteria growing over my cottage door died at the edges, when the ever-blooming lavender on my kitchen table dried up.
She didn’t know about the rest, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her this secret I’d kept from her forever. What she needed to know was that I could do this. So I lifted my head and lied, as easy as buttercups sprouting in the spring.
“Rosie, I promise you that I will come home. I will grow a garden in Dwindle.” I tried to smile through the tears. Rosie feebly smiled back. “I will figure out how to do this, I will get my heart together, and I will be there when Patti and you get your heads out of your own asses.”
Rosie’s eyes filled with determined hope, like she knew I just needed a moment to collect myself and then I’d be fine.
I’d leave her with that feeling, that I would be just fine after all, and she would be, too.
I’d only broken one promise before in my life, and that one was made for me before I was even born. At least this one I’d be making and breaking myself.
“You should enjoy the rest of the party,” I said with mock confidence, wiping snot away from my nose. “The After-Goddess Trio will be here soon.”
“I can stay with you tonight,” she offered.
“No, no, it’s okay.” Rosie looked at me warily. “I’m serious,” I added. “Besides, I think I could use a night to myself.”
She fiddled with her braids, looking me over. “Are you sure?” she asked sweetly.
“I really am.”
And I meant it. I needed time to process, I needed to have at least a few more breakdowns where I could wallow in self-pity, and then I needed to get myself together.
I planned to make a long to-do list, and if I didn’t focus all of my energy on the work ahead, I didn’t think I could keep my heart from sinking right out of my chest.
“Okay, I believe you. But I’m going to check on you tomorrow. And I will be helping you with setting your affairs in order. I don’t care how hard you fight me on that.” She wagged her finger in my face. I nodded along in resignation.
“Where’d your protector run off to?” Rosie scanned the crowd.
The shadow was, indeed, nowhere to be seen.
Thank the Goddess (a different one, not Eldrene).
Maybe they would also stay to hear Acorn Nutties play far too loud music for the rest of the night, and I wouldn’t have to deal with them until the morning.
As I looked around, I noticed that the entirety of Moss planned to stay for the after-party. Many of the other towns had vacated after Eldrene vanished, but Moss did love its late-night festivities.
Good; no one would hear me weeping through the streets on my walk home for the night.
Rosie gave me one last hug, then made to rejoin the crowd.
And when I thought she couldn’t see me anymore, I ran for my life, up the long staircase, through the two willows, and into the night.