36. Melanie
Melanie braced herself with a double espresso, took a deep breath, held it for four, exhaled for four and then, still feeling jittery and anxious, went out into the garden.
Frank had his back to her: he was meditating.
He looked so calm and peaceful. She envied him his tranquillity and stillness.
She knew he had worked hard after the car crash to get to this place.
Ever since she’d known him, he had been centred and serene.
When she’d fallen apart after having the twins, Frank had looked after them and found her a therapist. There had been no judgement, no resentment, just love and understanding.
She knew how lucky she was to have met him and she thanked God that he was the father to their daughters.
The twins were blessed to have Frank as their dad.
She waited for him to finish. When he turned around, she handed him a green tea. He was surprised. ‘Thanks, this is so nice.’
‘It’s cold out here.’ She pulled her cardigan around her.
‘Crisp but beautiful.’ Frank sipped his tea.
‘I need to talk to you, Frank.’
Frank said nothing. He gave her the space to talk, just like he always did.
Melanie looked into his eyes. ‘I love you, Frank. I think you’re an incredible man, husband and father.’ She paused.
‘But?’ Frank smiled sadly.
Melanie continued: ‘But we’re not working and, yes, I know it’s my fault.
I take full responsibility, but I can’t do this any more.
It’s not fair to you or to me. I wish I was a better person, a better wife and mother.
I’m not proud of the fact that I’m neither.
But I am who I am, Frank, and I’m not making you happy.
I want you to be free to meet someone who will appreciate all of you and be a partner for you.
The only thing I’ve ever been really good at is my job.
I was never sporty or creative or science-y, I just loved books and I found my dream job.
I love it, it fulfils me. I know I’m a workaholic and I know that impacts you and the kids.
I’m sorry, I really am, but there’s nowhere else I want to be.
I never wanted kids because I knew I’d resent having to give up time at work to raise them.
I think that’s why I fell apart when they were born.
One child was going to be hard enough, but two … ’ she sniffed ‘… too much.’
Frank bit his lower lip. ‘I knew this was coming, but it still feels a bit like being shot.’
Tears were welling behind Melanie’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay, you’re being honest and you’re right, we have grown apart.
I believed … well, I’d hoped we could find our way back to each other, but I accept, with a heavy heart, that we can’t.
I persuaded you to have children, even though you were resistant, I know that, and they are the loves of my life.
’ His face lit up just thinking about the twins.
‘Thank you for giving them to me. I know it wasn’t easy for you, especially when we had twins. ’
Melanie chuckled. ‘Will you ever forget that scan?’
Frank laughed. ‘No, the sonographer was startled by your scream.’
‘You’re such a good man, Frank. Thanks for putting up with me and for doing the heavy lifting with the girls.’ Melanie did love him as a person and wished it was enough, but it wasn’t.
‘Hey, now, you’ve done the heavy lifting in work, and I know you love it, but the onus has been on you to pay the big bills. I’m sorry for not being a better provider. While work is your great joy, being a dad is mine.’
Melanie was glad he had thanked her for providing the main finances. It had been a weight to carry, which had pushed her to be better and work even harder. She had always known that their mortgage and the girls’ school fees mainly depended on her.
‘God, this is all so civilized.’ Melanie felt tears on her cheeks.
Frank came over to her and hugged her. She leant into him. ‘Can we tell the girls tonight, together?’
‘Sure. Just let me do some research first about how best to break news like this to teens.’
Just tell them , Melanie thought. Be honest. They are lucky this is not a contentious break-up. ‘Okay, let me know when you’re ready.’ She pulled out of his hug. ‘We need to talk about the agency, too. I can’t stay there.’
Frank frowned. ‘Why not?’
‘Because your mother owns it and you and your brothers work there. I’m not family, I’m an in-law, and now I’m going to be an ex-in-law, which is an even more dubious position.’
Frank shook his head. ‘But you’re the key person. Mum respects you so highly. You’re the reason authors are flocking to be signed.’
Melanie put her hands up. ‘Frank, I can’t work in your family agency if we’re divorced. It would be weird and awkward.’
‘But why? We’re going to be friends, aren’t we? There’s no trouble between us.’
‘I know, but it would be weird to see each other every day – and, besides, Ross wants me out. He’ll keep chipping away at me, and I’d like to be my own boss.
I have enough good authors who I know will come with me, and with the interest I’m getting from publishers about Xina, she alone will pay my office rent for a few years. ’
‘Mum will be upset. She won’t like you leaving. Nor will Jamie.’
‘Nancy will only miss the revenue I generate, but I think our break-up is the right moment to make the leap.’
Frank mulled this over. ‘What if I left the agency?’
‘What?’
‘I’ve also been thinking about making a change. I’d like to set up a small yoga and meditation studio.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, and let’s be honest, I won’t be a big loss to the agency.’
They laughed.
‘So I’ll leave and you can stay. Then, when Mum retires, you can take over. Everyone will be happy.’
‘You seem to be forgetting Ross, Jamie and Lucy.’
‘You could run it jointly with Jamie. Ross has to sort out his personal life. I don’t think he’s ready to run anything.’
‘Blood is thicker than water, Frank, and your mother’s recent comments and actions have made it clear that, as an in-law, I will never get to run the agency.
Honestly, I’d rather do my own thing. I’m ready.
’ Melanie cleared her throat. The next bit was hard, but she wanted to be honest. ‘I think you should have primary custody of the twins and I can see them on weekends. You’re a much better parent.
You’re on top of all their school activities and you’re a better cook.
I think they’d be happy to live with you Monday to Saturday.
I’ll take them Saturday and bring them back on Sunday evening. ’
‘Are you sure?’
Melanie nodded. ‘Yes.’ She didn’t add that the relief of being on her own from Monday to Saturday would be huge.
No guilt, no pressure to be at home, or cook or organize uniforms or sports gear or lifts or pick-ups …
just time and space to work. Then she’d be free on the weekends to actually spend time with them.
‘And I’ll move out. I don’t want the girls to have to move, it wouldn’t be fair. I’ll rent an apartment nearby.’
‘Melanie, I’m happy to share custody.’
Melanie smiled at him, her lovely Frank, always so fair and considerate. ‘No, Frank, you deserve them and they deserve you. I’m fine with it.’
‘You can come over anytime, obviously.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I’m sorry it’s ended, but we have two beautiful daughters and we had good times, didn’t we?’
Melanie reached up and kissed him. ‘Yes, we did. Marrying you was the best decision I made, Frank. You’re one in a million.’
They held each other and Melanie felt relief flood through her. Being honest about everything felt so freeing. A huge weight lifted from her shoulders. There was a new sense of hope about her future, a new sense of possibility. This was absolutely the right decision for her.
The twins were giggling at something on their phones when Frank and Melanie walked into the kitchen. Melanie looked to Frank. She was happy for him to take the lead. He was a lot more subtle than she was, and while he oozed empathy, she had always been more practical and plain-speaking.
‘Girls, can you put your phones down. Your mum and I need to talk to you,’ Frank said gently.
Joni looked up. ‘What’s going on? Oh, God, you’re not going to try to cut our phone-time again, are you?’
‘Seriously, we’re fifteen, not ten!’ Janis groaned.
‘No, it’s not about your phones.’ Frank sat down and indicated for Melanie to do the same.
The twins sat, arms folded defensively.
‘Is this about the detention for bunking off school early to go to St Jude’s rugby match?’ Joni asked.
‘What detention?’ Melanie asked.
‘Never mind,’ Frank said.
‘It was last week. You were in London at some book fair,’ Janis told her.
‘It’s not about that either. It’s a little more serious.’
Now the twins looked worried. ‘What’s going on?’
Frank laid his palms flat on the table. ‘You know how much your mum and I love you. Your happiness and wellbeing are the most important thing in our lives.’
‘Not in Mum’s life, they aren’t,’ Janis said.
‘That’s not fair,’ Frank defended Melanie.
‘I may not be the world’s greatest mother, but I do love you,’ Melanie said. Although Janis had a point: Melanie had put work before the girls many times. She was able to because Frank was always there to fill in the gap. Then again, he had pushed her into having children so …
‘We both love you so much and we love each other very much, too. But sometimes in relationships that love goes from being a romantic love to a more platonic one. Your mother was my first great love. We met when we were both in our early twenties and have been very happy together. But lately we have grown apart. I think –’
‘Oh, my God, are you getting divorced?’ The penny dropped for Joni as Janis’s face fell.
‘Are you?’ she gasped.
‘We have decided to separate with a view to divorce, yes.’ Melanie decided to be straight with them. ‘But we want you to know that nothing will change for you. You are still our priority and your welfare is paramount.’