Chapter 10
TEN
GAVIN SMYTH
I think about our kiss in Brinnea a lot. Probably more than I should. In this lifetime, it was my first. But I know our true first kiss was over four hundred years ago.
—UNSENT CORRESPONDENCE FROM QUEEN ARYELLA I TO THE BUTCHER OF NYRIDA
23rd of Aesta, 402 Years Ago
I put the guard’s armor back on and followed her down the stairs, through multiple hallways, until we reached massive wooden double doors. She used all her body weight to push them open.
“It’s nearly empty,” she whispered, motioning for me to follow. “But I’ll go first. Meet me by the bookshelves in the back.”
I waited by the wall beside the entry, as instructed. Black iron, spiral staircases stretched floor to ceiling, providing easy access to upper shelves. A large chandelier hung from the arched ceiling, flickering brightly against the darkening skies beyond the stained-glass windows.
There had to be thousands of books in here. It was difficult not to imagine us both spending quite a lot of time here together, if our situation ever allowed for it. Ella’s beautiful mind captured by a book while I lingered close by, watching over her.
One older woman sat on the other side of the vast, high-ceilinged room, with her nose buried in a book. She seemed oblivious to our presence. I moved quickly to the dimly lit stacks of shelves Ella had disappeared between.
“Reading,” she said when I found her leaning against a shelf with a green book in hand, clearly waiting for my arrival. She tapped her fingers along its spine. “Another way to pretend I’m elsewhere.”
It was easy to see why she’d want to escape into worlds where there weren’t bars on her bedroom window. “You know, Ella, I would really hate it if you weren’t here right now.”
Her back gently hit the shelf behind her as I closed in, but she brushed her fingers over the bare skin of my chest beneath the guard’s jacket. “Yes.” She glanced anxiously between my eyes and mouth. “Right now, I only want to be here.”
I lifted my hands to her face. The moment my fingers met her skin, she stilled. What an honor it was to be the one to ease her nerves.
She leaned into my hand. Pleasant heat traveled from my fingers up my arms and into my body, infiltrating every cold and empty space this unforgiving world had carved into me.
“I don’t have a coin,” she whispered, “but if I did… what are you thinking?”
That you want to kiss me, too.
I would be lucky to get one kiss. Maybe that was all I’d ever get, but the gods could go fuck themselves if they thought I wasn’t going to try for more.
“I’m thinking that I want you so badly I can barely breathe,” I whispered, watching surprise pass over her features. “I’m thinking that all my life, I’ve accused the gods of forsaking me. But if a world exists where you choose to look at me , I know that can’t be true.”
When she looked up at me with pure, green-gold eyes sparkling with hope, I failed to be patient a moment longer.
“Can I kiss you, Ella?” I asked her, my voice raspy and desperate.
Her breaths grew shallow. I tightened my arm around her, securing her against me. “I’ve never kissed before.”
I brushed my thumb across the soft skin of her cheek, then her bottom lip. “That’s okay. I’ve got you.” I rested my forehead against hers. I needed more of her. More contact, but I wasn’t going to kiss her until she gave me the go-ahead. I wasn’t going to fuck this up.
“Then… yes.” Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. My mouth watered, and I bit back a groan. “I would like that very much.”
I still told myself I shouldn’t. She’d been stuck inside this castle with little exposure to the outside world, but she was also better than I’d ever be and more than I’d ever deserve.
Not to mention I’d be raked over the coals, gutted, hanged, burned at the stake, and the gods knew what else if her uncle found out I’d so much as looked at her.
Being hers didn’t feel only like a blessing, but a vow. She felt things so strongly . Being the man privileged enough to try and win her heart made me responsible for it. For her .
Kissing her felt like accepting a responsibility. I didn’t need to go any further to know she was it for me. Kiss her once, and it would become my job to protect her against everything and everyone, even myself. At all costs. Against all odds.
Something told me we would be impossible, that she might be the end of my life as I knew it. But gods , I loved her so much more than I wanted to live . So, I let myself get lost in her loving gaze and internally muttered, Fuck it .
Ella inhaled sharply the moment my lips touched hers—a surrendering gasp that nearly undid me. I forced myself to be gentle and slow. To savor her sweet lips against mine, even though the beast in me longed to take and claim her as mine, mine, mine!
Goose bumps spread across my body, and every breath she took was akin to that first warmth of the indoors after being stranded outside in the dead of winter. When the heat engulfed and soothed every inch of your skin. Sweet relief from everything harsh. She was a bright light devouring shadows.
Her lips and skin were divinely soft, like silk. I was convinced the gods themselves had crafted her just to bring me to my knees.
And how willingly I would kneel.
She tasted like berries and honey and light. And she was addictively responsive. At the second brush of my lips, she reached up, twisting her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck.
Yes. Hold on to me. Don’t ever let go.
“Gavin.” She whimpered my name—a beautiful, trusting plea. She wanted more. I turned us so her back was against the corner wall instead of a bookshelf, wound my fingers in her hair to cushion her head, and swore to myself that nothing would ever take her from me.
She was mine.
She would always be mine.
I tested her limits by darting my tongue over her bottom lip.
She opened for me immediately, her soft moan nearly breaking every chain I had on myself.
I cupped her face in my free hand, better angling her mouth against mine.
Like a feral hound pursuing its final meal, I deepened the kiss, chasing the air she breathed like it would disappear if I didn’t catch it.
Like she would disappear if I wasn’t careful.
She trembled and melted against me as I kissed her deeper, seeking her taste—soft, silky, light, and so fucking sweet.
Her needy little sounds vibrated through her body straight into my heart and soul.
My body sought relief inside her with soul-aching desperation, but satiating my own needs mattered to me the least. Did I want her?
Ridiculous fucking question. I wanted her past, her present, her future.
Her scars and scrapes and tears and smiles and laughter and every single thought and feeling she kept tucked away in the recesses of her beautiful mind.
I wanted her body like my next breath, but it was her trust, her warmth, and her good that I needed . To see every vulnerable piece, have all of her, and then meld her together with safety and pleasure into something stronger , so that nobody else could have or touch or hurt her ever again.
Her fingers on my bare abdomen sent a wave of heat to my groin. I cursed under my breath and dragged my mouth away.
“Gavin?” she whispered through swollen lips, her eyes worried and face flushed. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No. You’re perfect. But we should stop.
” If we didn’t, I would either bust in my pants or lose control, hike up her dress, and fuck her against the library wall until she saw stars and screamed my name.
She deserved infinitely better than that, especially for her first time, and she wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for what satisfying that connection would do to us both .
I was on the brink of insanity already.
“You are a gift, Ella. You deserve better than a dark corner of the library.” I cupped her face and kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose. “You deserve everything.”
I knew the vow I needed to make to have all of her. There were two silver rings inside my bedside table. One large, one small. I’d made them the same night I made her dagger. I wouldn’t let her give herself to me until she wore hers. I was no saint, but for her, I wouldn’t allow anything less.
“Thank you,” she whispered. My heart soared at the gratitude in her gaze. How could so much good exist inside one small body? Surely, this was as close to salvation as I’d ever get.
“For what?” I asked her, wondering what she could possibly have to thank me for.
“You just gave me my first kiss. In a library ,” she giggled. “I’ll never forget it.”
She lifted on her toes and touched her lips to mine, soft and gentle. Not greedy. Just a silent request for one more taste, which I gladly gave her.
“My Ella,” I whispered. My heaven . “Mine.”
She looked up, brow creased in an adorable display of awe and worry. “I really don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
Our foreheads touched. I closed my eyes, resting in her warm presence while whispering, “I’ll do whatever it takes.”