Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
ARYELLA
You deserve an apology for what happened that night in Brinnea.
I pulled away to protect you from the truth of what I’ve become.
Now, I’m sitting at your bedside in the cabin I built for us while you recover from death.
I’m praying you’ll soon understand that saying no to you was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I’m so sorry.
All I’ve ever wanted is every part of you forever.
—FROM THE BUTCHER OF NYRIDA’S LAST KNOWN LETTERS TO QUEEN ARYELLA I
To the best of my knowledge, no more dead bodies were found near the fortress. I didn’t see Elias for days after I showed him the body. Then, one morning, he returned through the gates, covered in sweat and clearly exhausted.
The first two weeks of training passed in a blur.
Most of the other cadets were unproblematic, but they didn’t trust the new girl from Brinnea. Hardly anyone but Mavic and Mina spoke to me, and judgmental glares and harsh whispers followed me everywhere I went.
“I doubt she’ll make it through the first test.”
“I’m surprised no one has tried to kill her in her sleep despite the rules.”
And the most common: “ Who did she fuck to get in here? ”
They could say what they wanted for now. But I knew that this kind of hate would fester if left untreated, and that meant my time as Fera from Brinnea was limited. Hostility toward outsiders was something I was determined to change once I accepted my role as queen.
I looked out for myself just as I promised him I would. But I slept poorly each night, plagued by nightmares so vivid I began to dread closing my eyes. When I woke covered in a cold sweat, the fading scent of him on his sweater was my only reprieve.
Those few nights we’d shared a bed had been so perfectly warm and peaceful that I was beginning to forget the terrible threat he was to me now.
My mind was so worn down from lack of sleep that I was willing to risk just about anything to spend a single night in his arms. If only I could reach him beyond his letters. If only I hadn’t sent him away.
Daytime was easier. I relished the freedom of hiding in plain sight.
Fera from Brinnea’s fight and spirit felt more real to me than Aryella Gold, the prophesied queen, ever had.
After all I’d learned in previous months, I finally had a space to breathe and exist, unburdened by the throne that would soon be mine.
For so long, Simeon’s fear of me had convinced him to suppress and control me, like a piece of gold, melted and cast into his ideal crown.
But Gavin filled the cracks Simeon left in me with molten silver and gave me time to solidify and harden.
I became something different. Some one I refused to let anyone else break.
My secrecy wouldn’t last forever, but being someone I chose to be was addicting.
I couldn’t see or touch him. I couldn’t embrace him while he held me with his resolve and his beautifully tragic loyalty. But the thought of him steadied me.
For now, this had to be enough.
Elias watched me closely during sparring and continued to give me opponents much larger and stronger than me.
He’d been mostly tolerable outside the fortress walls and now scowled at me inside them.
It felt like whiplash. Thankfully, we hadn’t had to endure each other one-on-one since I’d led him to the body.
The first test was tomorrow. Whatever it entailed, I planned on succeeding.
“Do you think it will be dangerous?” Mina was huddled next to me at dinner. “And I mean… truly dangerous.” We kept our conversation low, an easy feat among the clamorous evening chatter.
“As in deadly?” Mavic retorted, shrugging. “Not sure Winterton can afford to lose any of us prematurely.”
We also couldn’t afford to be weak and unprepared. If he made these tests potentially fatal, I would understand why, but I prayed he didn’t.
My attention lingered on Mina. How young she felt.
The twins would turn twenty this Aesta, which made me physically older than them by only six months.
Mina had opted not to come to Commencement at eighteen, and Mavic had refused to leave her despite clearly belonging here.
Mina was soft and timid, just like I’d been months ago.
Maybe I still was , deep down. I’d just learned how to convince myself and others that I wasn’t.
“I won’t let anything happen to you, Mina.” I squeezed her hand, knowing I would abandon my disguise to protect her if necessary. She was small, like me, but didn’t have a teacher who left her with a rich repository of instruction and affirmations to pull from.
Mavic glanced between us while he chewed and swallowed, a playful gleam in his eye. “Will you protect me, too, Fera?”
“Yes,” I laughed, as if Mavic couldn’t defend himself against every cadet, and probably half of the fully trained soldiers, in this hall. “You have my word.”
“Good. I’m not too prideful to accept help.
” He popped a piece of cheese in his mouth.
“I’m determined to meet my niece or nephew, and I can’t meet them if I’m dead.
” His sly gaze traveled to a tall brunette a few seats away.
“Also, I doubt Yara Mason would stay interested in me if I’m horribly maimed and can’t perform. ”
Mina winced. “Do you only ever think about sex?”
Mavic paused mid-chew. “Do you never think about it?”
She blushed. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“You’re the one who asked, Min.”
I laughed through my bite of stew. There was never a dull moment between the twins. They weren’t even blood relatives to Caz and Finn, but with their banter, they might as well have been.
“Your niece or nephew?” I asked, hating playing dumb but eager for more information on Caz and the others.
“Our older sister is heavily pregnant,” Mina explained, lowering her voice. “She’s the one married to Caz, who injured his leg fetching the queen.”
“It’s not injured. It’s gone ,” Mavic corrected her.
“Before we’re sent off to our posts, we’re planning on taking a short trip northeast of the Caves, just to get Marin out of there for a bit.
Some sunshine to help her recover as a new mom.
Mina and I will go, Caz, his brother Finn, and his lady, Gemma. ”
I smiled at his lady .
“That sounds wonderful,” I remarked.
“You should come with us,” Mavic suggested. “It depends, of course, on how tensions are closer to Aesta. The Wintertons typically permit small groups to travel outside of the Caves on occasion, but a lot can happen in a few months. I bet Gemma and Marin would love you.”
“I’d love to.” Though a lot would change by then, namely my identity.
While I listened to every word Mavic said, Mina stared longingly at her food. I remembered what that felt like. The gnawing ache in my stomach and the throbbing, cloudy emptiness in my head from lack of nutrition and fuel. Her hunger sparked something protective in me.
“We have a big day tomorrow,” I told her. “I’m going to get a little more food. Can I get you anything?”
Her fire-red braid slipped off her shoulder as she turned, her smile not reaching her ears. “No, thank you. I can’t eat when I’m nervous.”
Gavin had used cold, sharp commands to get me eating. His harshness had shocked me, snapped me out of my daze, and made me angry. He had riled me up until I fought back and realized the gravity of my situation. That I’d been dying . It had worked for me, but I wasn’t sure it would work for Mina.
But I was projecting my own fears. Not everyone had a false mother who’d made them feel like they needed to starve themselves to be desirable.
The twins turned in right after dinner to rest for tomorrow.
On most nights, the cadets sparred in the courtyard until the sun set.
While I normally went to the library, I’d made no progress in my research on blood oaths and how to break them, and I had nervous energy to burn.
I hoped to be alone after the last of the stragglers left.
Pummeling the sack of sand while sweat bled from my pores, hearing only the sound of my breathing in the great hall, sounded therapeutic.
“Fera.”
The hair on my neck spiked at the recognizable voice behind me. I turned to see Elias emerging from the shadows of the far end of the hall. He wasn’t even wearing a shirt. Sweat dampened his muscled body and plastered pieces of his thick, bronze hair to his forehead.
“Commander,” I greeted him boredly.
He casually strolled closer. “Are you ready for your first test tomorrow?”
I kept my eyes on him while drinking from my canteen. I didn’t trust him. “Do you care if I’m ready?”
He folded his toned arms across his bare chest and assessed me, annoyingly nonchalant. “You don’t give me enough credit.” His abs flexed with each breath. “Do you really think I want my cadets to fail?”
“I’m not yours ,” I spat before I could stop myself, meaning those words to my core but knowing he might deduce I meant that I was someone else’s. I couldn’t let him know that was true.
“Pick up your blade,” Elias ordered in a biting tone.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your superior and I said so, Cadet .”
I bristled, torn between the desire to please others and the voice in my head that swore I wouldn’t do something just because this man told me to. Then, I fastened my hair back into a quick, messy bun before palming the hilt of my blade.
“Have you told anyone?” he asked, eyes narrowed.
I tilted my head at him, feigning confusion. “Have I told anyone what , Commander?”
“Good.” He gave a nod of approval and lifted his scabbard off the mat, unsheathing his blade with effortless grace. “Care to spar?”
I moved to walk past him. “No, thank you.”
He shifted, blocking my path. “What’s wrong, Fera? Scared my sword’s too big?”
“I don’t care how big your sword is,” I spat back. Still, I’d fallen for his trap. Blushing heat spread down my cheeks and neck while he laughed, striding closer. Four months ago, his crude innuendo might have gone over my head, but Damond had since educated me in the eloquent humor of men.