Chapter 23 #2
Meet me at the Caves, and I’ll tell you about her , he answered.
My heart ached with the desire to know , so for a moment, I was tempted to agree, but Simeon resorting to bribery was deplorable. I deserved to know , so I pushed.
Did my mother agree to this plan of yours?
While waiting, I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. Thinking of Christabel’s suffering made me want to weep.
She wanted me to protect you. Some things should be discussed in person. She is one of them.
I read his note three times and sat down. I had so many questions about her. She couldn’t have been complicit in all of this. She wouldn’t have wanted me suppressed.
If you wanted to control me so badly, why did you keep me in Warrich for six months? Why didn’t you keep me with you?
You cannot go where I have been.
At that, I groaned out loud, because for fuck’s sake.
Where the hell have you been?
His response was quick. Too quick.
I cannot tell you, Aryella. I promise you that every choice I’ve made, I’ve made to protect you.
I shook my head while frantically scribbling. Protect me from who? Molochai?
The pause before the next note was so long I thought he was refusing to answer again, but when the paper faded in, I snatched it out of the air.
Yourself.
My gut churned in denial as I wrote, I’m a danger to myself?
Your reckless propensity to sacrifice yourself for others has proven it so, don’t you agree?
My face heated with shame. I still blamed myself for being impulsive, no matter how many times Damond or anyone else made excuses for me. But I wouldn’t let my uncle use that against me. He was being elusive on purpose to throw me off.
That’s not what I mean, and I don’t think it’s what you mean, either , I wrote.
Tell me what it is I mean, then, Aryella, if you’re so sure.
Gavin told me Simeon feared what I would do if unleashed .
You mean my power , I noted. You were afraid of me and what I could do. You’re afraid of what I can do now. Did you let me starve back then, too? To weaken me?
My pulse doubled and pounded in my ears at his reply.
There are other ways to suppress power.
Bile rose in my throat as I scribbled, What other ways?
The waiting made my chest throb. All I could do was pray the delay meant he was writing me a thorough answer. I was relieved to see exactly that.
While our bloodline magic exists in your veins, you also possess power from the Selvaren.
It is more than my own. It cannot be fully silenced but can be suppressed enough that you are not a danger to those around you.
That is what I did centuries ago, Aryella, to protect you and to protect everyone.
I scribbled back two words. And now?
Irritation hung heavy in the intangible space between us.
Now, your death and rebirth have reset anything I previously suppressed. I can’t help you. You were supposed to come to the Caves. To me.
“You aren’t even at the Caves!” I shouted aloud, my patience breaking.
I was , he wrote back. Until he disobeyed my orders and I’ve been forced to clean up the mess he made. Now, thanks to him, you’ve gone completely rogue.
I laughed, delirious from too many nightmares and not enough sleep. Or maybe I was so grateful that Gavin had given me time to breathe before letting me go that Simeon’s irritation felt humorously insignificant.
I fear for those around you, Aryella.
My face fell. I’m not going to hurt anyone.
When I picked up his next note, I felt his panic.
You don’t know your powers, but I can help you learn to control them. It may be trial and error, but together, we can do it.
I thought of the way I’d burned that snake after it bit Shera.
In that instance, control wasn’t needed.
I let the fire loose without restraint and with every intent to obliterate the creature.
And then the vines I’d desiccated on that tree before knife throwing.
The water I’d sent careening almost through the roof of the showers.
Simeon was right. My power was out of control.
But I was not. What I lacked in control I made up for in willpower. I wouldn’t even attempt my powers with anyone near enough to harm.
Will you tell me where you are? I asked him.
I cannot.
Disappointment settled heavy in my bones. It wouldn’t be the last time we discussed this. There wasn’t much I could do to coerce more out of him, but I could tell him the truth. As much as I didn’t want to swallow my pride, I knew I needed him.
I will come , I wrote. You have my word. But give me until the end of Commencement. By your own volition, you kept me and my powers from our people for over four hundred years for selfish reasons. So give me six more weeks.
The air flustered in agitation.
You don’t understand what’s at stake here, Aryella.
Fury clouded my vision.
Really? If I’ve been kept so in the dark that I don’t understand the stakes, whose fault is that?
A long, indecisive silence.
You are correct in assuming the fault is mine to bear.
My mouth fell open at his admission. I wanted to gloat, torture him in my own way by making him see that so much of this mess was because of his diabolical need for control. He had caused so much pain. And for what? Things could have been so much simpler.
I need to do this, Simeon. I refrained from chiding him. I don’t want reverence because of my title. I want it because of my own capabilities. You took my past and identity. Let me gain something back. I know what you and everyone else will require of me. Let me have this one thing for myself.
Another long pause.
You are the queen. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.
I remembered the look on Elias’s face every time I challenged him.
Yes, I do.
The air around his reappearing note felt resigned, almost.
Very well.
I held his note in my hands and contemplated another question. One that hurt the most to think about. My hand shook as I wrote it out.
Why couldn’t you have just let him love me?
I paced relentlessly. I kept my eyes on that spot, hoping the note would come back, that I could even begin to understand why Simeon had ripped us apart.
Gavin was Molochai’s bastard son, but he had been good once.
I was sure of it. Parts of him still were, even if they were smaller now, jagged and worn. I was sure of that, too.
I waited for an answer. But the note never returned.