Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
GAVIN SMYTH
I’ve spent a long time pretending that I didn’t, because I think that maybe I shouldn’t, but gods, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.
—UNSENT CORRESPONDENCE FROM QUEEN ARYELLA I TO THE BUTCHER OF NYRIDA
1st of Soltum, 402 Years Ago
She was arriving in about thirty minutes. I hadn’t decided where to take her tonight. I didn’t have a rooftop like the castle, but we could find somewhere else to look at the stars. I’d had a long day and wanted nothing more than to drown in her.
“Gavin?”
I smiled, and my body warmed at the sound of her voice.
“Hey, you’re early. I just finished,” I called over my shoulder, spreading the coals in the forge. “The fire will be out soon. Let me clean up, and we can go do whatever you want.”
I turned and stopped when I noticed her troubled expression. Her shoulders were drawn tight, just like her fists.
“What is it?” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “Is it the smell? Because I admit, I can barely stand myself after a long day…”
I trailed off when she blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek.
“What happened?” I demanded. She stared like she was trying to memorize me.
I knew the look, because that was exactly how I looked at her.
“Ella.” I set the wrench on the table as warmth and color left my skin.
I felt the life trickle out of me, because the addicting sweetness that always made my stomach flip was wholly absent from her face.
I stepped toward her. My heart sank when she retreated.
Like she was afraid. Of me? Unyielding, frantic panic wreaked havoc within me.
“Aryella, please tell me what happened.”
“I can’t come here anymore,” she rushed out.
“Okay.” I tried to control my nerves. “We can meet somewhere else, or I’ll come to you. We can?—”
“No.” She blinked out a tear. “We have to stop seeing each other.”
“No.” I shook my head at her in warning. “That isn’t happening.”
“Please don’t make this difficult.” But her plea sounded unconvincing. That was how I knew this wasn’t really her decision.
“Take me to your uncle,” I calmly ordered.
She shook her head, lip trembling. “I can’t.”
“Ella.” My fury toward Simeon Whitlock burned hotter. “Take me to him right now so I can fix this.”
I would find a way to stare that asshole in the eye and make him fear me. If not today, then tomorrow. I was never letting her go. She deserved the world, and that fucking sorcerer wasn’t going to keep me from giving it to her. He would have to kill me, and I didn’t plan on making it easy for him.
“Gavin, I…” All the color left her face as she tightened her features, feigning indifference. “I don’t love you.”
The words stunned us both. Her delicate hands clenched and unclenched at her sides. Silent tears streamed down her face, but rage wound me up so tight I felt I was about to explode.
But I didn’t, because it wasn’t true.
“You don’t love me, do you?” I calmly asked.
She had never said the words, but I knew.
Her love showed in the way she buried her face in my neck when I held her.
The way she kissed me even after she said it was time to part.
The way she laughed freely in my arms and looked up at me like I was her home.
Or maybe I’d become obsessed to the point of delusion and simply couldn’t accept a reality where she didn’t love me back.
“You, my Ella, are a terrible liar,” I growled. “One of the infinite number of things I love about you is that this world hasn’t fucked you up enough to be a good liar. And fortunately for us both, I can read you better than I can read the back of my hand.”
“Gavin.” My name was a weak plea on her tongue. “We?—”
“We aren’t over.”
She sucked in a ragged breath. Her eyes bled with mourning and acceptance that I couldn’t stand. “We have to be.”
“We. Don’t. End! ” I insisted. “ Gods , Ella, please don’t do this.”
“I tried to tell you the dangers and the complications of this from the beginning.”
“And I told you I didn’t care.”
Her bottom lip trembled. “Gavin?—”
“Is this because of last night?” I stepped toward her and thanked the gods she didn’t retreat this time.
Last night, I’d snuck into the castle after our night at the tavern, just as she’d requested, and we’d spent hours in each other’s arms while our mouths danced a slow, savoring, languid rhythm.
That was as far as I let it go, but I held her all night, in her bed. Had it been too much, too fast?
“No! That was—” She swallowed hard, looking for the right words. “—the best night of my life.”
My chest warmed at the memory, then tightened at the realization that it could be the only night we’d ever share.
“I’ll talk to Simeon,” I insisted, reaching for her hands. “Take me to him. Let me try.”
“No!” She pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold. “I don’t want him anywhere near you!”
“Why? What did he say to you?” I searched her face for answers, but she avoided my eyes.
“Did he threaten me?” She winced, and that was all the confirmation I needed.
“Is that what this is? You’re trying to protect me?
” I shook my head, driven by the same firm resolve I felt the night I first saw her and decided she was mine.
“It’s not your job to protect me, Ella. It’s my job to protect you . ”
Her eyes snapped to mine, blazing with anger. “How is that fair?”
“Because I’m me, and you’re you .” “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It makes every bit of sense.” To me, it did.
I was nothing but a bastard cared for by two people who pitied me.
I was unimportant. For so long, I had felt ashamed of who and what I was.
Unclaimed by a father I didn’t know. Responsible for the death of my own mother: a young woman whose life had been ruined by my existence.
For a long time, the shame had been so heavy I thought it would crush me. Without her, I think it would have.
That shame disappeared the moment she looked at me. When she chose me .
“You are it for me. You are everything ,” I promised her, my body burning from the unbearable ache in my chest. “You, Ella, are everything I was meant to find in this life, and I am scared of nothing but a life without you in it.” I held out my hands in supplication because she had every power over me.
“You’re my best friend. You’re my family. ”
“You’re going to have to move on.”
“There is no moving on from you!” I explained, so distraught that my own eyes grew damp and blurry.
When I reached for her hands, she finally let me take them.
“Loving you then losing you is not a life I want. I wouldn’t trade the chance to love you with anything in this life or a thousand more.
Even if you tell me you don’t want me?—”
“Do you think I don’t want you?” Ella’s sweet voice cracked.
“Do you think this is easy for me? I don’t get to choose what I want!
” She ripped herself from my grasp. “I have a responsibility, Gavin! My fate, my destiny is decided. They need me for this power that chose me! I’ve never wanted or chosen anything in my life until you!
I’m trapped, and until we find a way to do the impossible and eradicate Molochai from this earth, nothing will free me! ”
“And why can’t you have both?” I demanded. “This— us —and your duty? Why can’t I be by your side, helping you, loving you every step of the way?”
“Simeon—”
“ Fuck Simeon! You chose me,” I reminded her, frustration burning beneath my skin. “All your life, you’ve had your choices taken from you, but you chose me .”
She nodded, looking unsure. “I did, but?—”
“No, no, no.” I panicked. “You chose me. You do . You want this. You want us .”
“I don’t want you to get hurt, or worse !”
“ This is worse !” I shouted, eyes burning with reckless tears. “Losing you is worse than dying, Aryella?—”
“Don’t you dare say that!” Horror cast a pall over her beautiful face. “That cannot be true.”
“Don’t tell me what’s true!” I snapped. “When you know what it’s like to spend your whole life waiting for someone to want you for exactly who you are, and someone finally does—” I gestured to her, my voice breaking.
“—someone so astoundingly beautiful and good and selfless and perfect , then you can tell me I’m wrong, that I wouldn’t rather die than live without you . ”
My gut twisted when she winced. Because she did know. Of course she knew. She spent her whole life locked up and hiding due to a title and power she’d never asked for.
“Ella.” I reached for her. “I’m sorry.”
She lifted her hand, stopping me. “I know exactly what it’s like to wish someone would want you for who you are.
I know what it’s like to wish you were enough.
” She stepped toward me and let me wrap my hands around hers.
“But I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with you.
” My heart swelled at the sweet sound of her admission.
“I love you, Gavin.” She shrugged helplessly, her voice faltering. “But I can’t .”
“Yes, you can.” I held her face. “You can. ”
She shook her head, but she didn’t pull away. “It’s not possible.”
Then I would make it fucking possible.
I dropped to my knees and pulled out the ring I’d kept in my pocket all summer long. When she gasped and stumbled backward, I grabbed and steadied her.
“Will you marry me?” I asked, ring in one palm, her hand in my other.
“What?” she gasped.
“Marry me,” I pleaded. “I’m no prince or king. I don’t have much money or a castle or horses or an army to send into battle, but I don’t want any of that. I just want you , Ella. Time, moments, and a life with you .”
She covered her mouth with both hands, tears falling.
“I will fight to the death, come back from hell again and again for you , because I love you,” I promised.
“I love you so much I can’t breathe, so please let me be your husband.
I want your heart, your mind, your soul, your beauty— gods , every part of you is so fucking beautiful.
” I cupped her face when she choked out a heartbreaking sob. “Please marry me.”
“Gavin,” she wept, shaking her head. “This is impulsive!”
“I made these rings the night we met. Impulsive would have been running away with you and marrying you then. And believe me, I wanted to.” I stroked her cheek. “You are not doing all this alone. We will do it together , whatever it takes.”
“It’s not up to me.”
“This is your life!” I urged. “ Your choice.”
“It’s not my choice.” Her voice turned dull and lifeless as she recited one of many lies she’d been told.
“Yes, it is!” I stood, drawing her close.
“I’ve never believed in destiny, but I believe with all my heart, that I exist for you , Ella.
” I cradled her head in my hands. Whether or not she agreed to marry me, this next part was eternally true.
I needed her to believe it. “The world can collapse around us. The seas can flood the plains. The trees can burn with unquenchable fire. I will stay by your side. And if by the will of the gods you fall into the earth as it crumbles, I will fall with you.” I kissed her forehead, then pulled back to look deeply into the stunning green, gold-speckled eyes that had become my everything. “This is my vow to you forever.”
Tears fell down her cheeks like gentle streams, but there was nothing gentle about this. It felt like a rope stretched between us, and while someone tried to cut that rope with a dull blade, the strands were alive, feeling every vicious slice, and fighting desperately to reconnect and survive.
“I love you.” I lightly kissed her cheek. “I love you.” I switched to the other, then rested my lips on her forehead and whispered, “Ella, I love you.”
“I know you love me,” she wept. “I know.”
“Then don’t go.” I stroked her rosy, damp cheeks. “Please, just let me love you.”
It was all I had to give her. It was more than I had ever given anyone. It still wasn’t enough.
“If I choose for myself, the world might die,” she shuddered out. “But if I could truly choose, it would be you. Always . And I’m so sorry—” She kissed me, careful and lingering. “—that I have to go.”
I stopped breathing until she made it to the doorway. Until my rage took hold.
“Do you regret this, then?” Bitterness coated my heart in vile, black sludge that wanted to drag life and joy down with it.
She stopped in the doorway, and I pressed on, hating myself more with every word.
“You’ll go back to your castle and regret wasting your time on a bastard blacksmith who had nothing to give you but sweet words. ”
She should have responded with vitriol. Instead, she gave me a soul-shattering look of love, forgiveness, and longing I didn’t deserve.
“I could never regret you. You’ve given me far more than you know.
” Her warmth burned straight through the blackness trying to seize my heart and incinerated it to ash.
My rage could eat me alive, but it couldn’t defeat her .
“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” she croaked.
As she rushed out of the door, she added, “And the best thing that ever will.”