Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
ARYELLA
Knowing you, it’s unlikely you’ll heed this advice, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Please do not endanger yourself for someone who doesn’t deserve it.
—FROM THE BUTCHER OF NYRIDA’S LAST KNOWN LETTERS TO QUEEN ARYELLA I
“You’ll what? ”
It wouldn’t work. I knew that, but he didn’t seem to. Sucking venom out of a wound was dangerous and ineffective, but I had to do something to mask using Viridian’s power to heal him enough to keep venom from spreading through his veins.
“Do you want to die today, Elias?” I snapped, voice strained.
Pleasant surprise graced his features. I hadn’t meant to, but I’d called him Elias. Not Commander.
“No, I’d rather not,” he answered.
“Then if you don’t want to watch, I’d suggest you close your eyes.”
I’d already had someone else’s blood in my mouth one time in the last few weeks. What was once more?
“Sit down against this tree and stay still.”
He retreated and slid down to the ground as instructed, keeping his forearm supinated and outstretched.
I knelt in the dirt beside him. “Are you still feeling all right?”
He nodded, his throat bobbing with a swallow.
Gods help me , I thought before fastening my mouth over the two bleeding holes and sucking as lightly as I could.
My cheeks hollowed to make it appear like I was pulling more out than I was, and I closed off my throat to avoid swallowing.
I barely managed not to gag at the sour, metallic mixture on my tongue.
The warm liquid sloshed in my mouth, nearly distracting me from reaching into my wheel for Viridian, but I reached for his spoke on the wheel and let it flow.
The power instantly went out of me, weakening me like I’d been dropped into my starving body back in Warrich. I gave him more than was probably needed, but I wasn’t sure how much would be enough. To be safe, I needed to overcompensate.
I forced out one last wave and tried to focus the power on cleaning his blood rather than sealing up the wound. The moment I felt his skin start to close I released him, turned away, and violently spat out blood and venom until the taste began to fade.
The blurry world around me swayed. I almost tipped over, too dizzy to hold myself up without landing on all fours. I reached one shaky hand to my bag and grabbed my canteen. Water spilled down my front, but I managed to thoroughly rinse out my mouth.
“Are you all right?” Elias rasped out in a gravelly voice.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and turned back to him. “Yes.” Probably. “Are you?”
“I… yes.” He stared, still bewildered. My cheeks heated with embarrassment, because even though I’d done it to save his life, having my mouth on him had been far too intimate. I distracted myself from retching by unwinding a bit of cloth for a fresh bandage.
“You’re swaying,” he told me.
“I just sucked blood and snake venom out of your arm,” I retorted sourly. “I’m woozy, but I’ll be fine. Would you please stop staring at me like I have horns? You’re making me anxious.”
Elias cleared his throat and dropped his eyes to his lap. “Have you done this kind of thing a lot?”
“Done what?” I rested the cloth over the punctured flesh.
Gods, please don’t say “suck.”
“Cared for wounds like this?”
I had spent an embarrassing amount of time remembering how it felt to have Gavin clean, dress my wolf bite, and care for me. Damond had also made me practice cleaning and wrapping wounds on more than one occasion.
“Once or twice,” I answered. “And I’ve seen it done.”
I could feel him watching, judging every move to make sure I was doing it correctly.
“Here I was, thinking I’d have to talk you through it,” he chuckled quietly.
To fasten the top layer of bandage around his arm, I leaned forward, putting his knee right between my breasts. My body tensed, confused by the odd tingling sensation in my stomach. It was nothing like I’d ever felt with Gavin, but it was there.
I made the mistake of glancing up to see him still staring. Thankfully, he focused on my face instead of my chest, but I caught the heat in his gaze.
“Done.” I quickly tied the final layer of the bandage, then sat back on my heels to put supplies away, fighting hazy vision. “I think you’ll be much better tomorrow, but tonight, I suggest that you rest. I?—”
“Fera.” His voice was unexpectedly soft.
“Hmm?” I tilted my head to show I was listening.
“Thank you.”
I quickly fastened the bag’s tie, stood, and gave him a firm nod, trying to hide my wobbling legs. “You’re welcome.” Before I could faint, I unfurled my sleeping mat and sat down.
The heat of his gaze on my skin was persistent, even as I pulled out some jerky and ripped off a piece. Elias cooked the snake over the fire, but I couldn’t stomach snake meat after what I’d just done. And I hadn’t eaten in hours, which didn’t help my fading strength.
Elias advised that a few more hours’ riding in the morning would lead us to where he believed Finch was.
He kept throwing expectant glances my way, like he hoped I would speak.
Instead of obliging him, I lay on my sleeping mat and stared up at the stars and wondered if Gavin could see the same ones.
The night sky reminded me of Nyxar’s darkness.
It was still and silent enough that I could see the millions of stars so bright they emitted a tinge of violet.
“So…” Elias cleared his throat, not catching the hint. Or he didn’t care. “You put your mouth on me, and now you don’t want to talk?”
My head snapped left so fast that a stiff joint in my neck cracked. “What the hell is your?—”
“I’m joking, Fera,” he laughed, holding up an appeasing hand.
“Are you capable of not being a suggestive prick?” I shot back.
“I don’t know,” he confessed with surprising honesty. “Though admittedly, I don’t enjoy your silence.”
I returned my attention to the stars. “You’re free to talk, but I’m going to lie here and try not to vomit.”
I felt a shift in the air. Like this back-and-forth was surrendering to the power imbalance between us. Tonight, it felt like we were on level ground, just as I’d been trying to earn. What he said next confirmed it.
“I think Simeon Whitlock is keeping things from me.”
A shiver ran down my spine, because I knew how right he was. But Elias questioning Simeon, the man who chose him and made him a god among his people?
“What kind of things?” Why he wanted to tell the Brinnean rogue, I didn’t know, but I wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of whatever lapse in judgment he was having. I sat up, even though the forest spun around me, and pulled my knees into my chest.
“There are too many missing pieces,” he explained. “Simeon is over four hundred years old. He possesses powerful magic. He had to know the Butcher had the queen and was fooling the others. I don’t understand why he didn’t use magic to get her away and kill that monster when he had a chance.”
Because the Butcher threatened to go on a slaughtering spree if he wasn’t given time with me , I thought to myself.
As for why Simeon had never killed Gavin? I added it to the list of questions I’d likely never get answered.
“Simeon’s alive,” Elias continued. “He sent a brief message weeks ago, but something’s off.”
I stared straight into the fire, not trusting my expression in the slightest. Something was definitely off . When a gust of wind rustled the trees, I failed to hide my shiver.
“You know, Fera,” Elias began, “there are ways to keep each other warm.”
“Again with this,” I laughed humorlessly. “Gods, has no one truly ever said no to you before?”
He raised an eyebrow and shrugged. That was enough of an answer.
“I suppose it gets crowded in those caves.” I dragged my sleeping mat a bit closer to the fire. “Not much else to do, especially in the winter. Don’t give yourself too much credit.”
His soft laughter danced across the bonfire. I closed my eyes, rested my chin on my knees, and let the heat of the flames warm my cheeks.
“Have you ever fucked, Fera?”
My eyes flew open. Maybe I should have let the venom take him. “That is not an appropriate question,” I replied.
The firelight glowed on his skin, shadows in enough places that he looked like a beautiful menace. “Are you surprised? According to you, I don’t know the definition of appropriate .”
That earned him a chuckle, but the longer I stared up at the smoke dancing above the flames, the grimmer I felt.
There were things that could have been, that I had hoped for months ago.
A who . I assumed Gavin and I had slept together long, long ago.
With no memory of it, the answer was as good as no . I shook my head.
“Never?” He looked bewildered.
“Not in this lifetime.”
“Are you serious?”
“Is it that hard to believe?”
“For a woman as beautiful as you, yes,” Elias chuckled. “And if I remember correctly, you insinuated some experience by saying my men wouldn’t know what to do with you.” Another laugh. “Something about spineless fish.”
I shrugged. “I keep my guard up around men I don’t trust.”
“Do you trust me?”
“In what sense?”
“If you have to ask, then trust me clearly depends on the context.” He fished around in his bag and withdrew a fancy metal flask wrapped in fine leather. “So, how about you tell me?” He unscrewed the flask and took a generous swig of whatever it held.
“I trust you aren’t going to kill me anymore,” I remarked coldly before adding, “You shouldn’t be drinking.”
“And?” he encouraged, eyes burning in a way I’d seen a few times before. Mainly before he forced me into a kiss.
“And stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what, Fera?” He knew exactly what I meant, but he was going to make me say it.
“Like you want to fuck me.”
His lips curled into a victorious grin. He leaned forward and rested his good arm over his knee. “I think it’s obvious that I do. But for some reason, you’re afraid of some harmless fun.”
Cold discomfort slithered into my belly. Another woman might laugh. I couldn’t, not when I remembered everything another man said to me five months ago.