Chapter 52
FIFTY-TWO
ARYELLA
Elias informed me that Commencement was to conclude within the Caves during the next few days.
The final test was to spar with a superior officer, and he insisted I had already passed by successfully throwing a knife past his head without killing him.
He all but begged me to focus on getting stronger after healing Gemma and her baby.
I fought him on it but agreed once he promised Mavic and Mina would be given the best chance at succeeding.
Whether I liked it or not, I needed to pick my battles with Elias. I was going to need him, and I needed to keep a level head despite the remorse between us. But if I stayed in this room and mourned for too long, I would lose the will to move forward, and that was what Gavin wanted me to do.
I asked to see Gemma immediately. Shera came with me, but I insisted she curl up by the fire and do her best to remain inconspicuous to avoid causing alarm.
Gemma was just waking up when we entered a room that looked like mine, only the accents were auburn and green, and the fireplace was a bit smaller. I didn’t make it to her before Finn threw his arms around me, lifted me up off the ground, and buried a tearful face in my shoulder.
“Thank you,” he croaked. “Gods, thank you, Ary.”
His gratitude healed a small piece of my heart. “Don’t thank me,” I whispered into his chest, giving his back a comforting rub. “I couldn’t lose her, either.”
“I’ll, um…” Elias cleared his throat, drawing our attention to where he stood by the door. He looked like he felt a bit out of place. “I’ll give you all a moment.”
Once he was gone, Finn and I turned to Gemma, who now sat up in bed. She smiled widely, tears trickling down her cheeks, fingers resting over her stomach. “I owe you a debt that can never be repaid.”
“Repay me with friendship.” I sat in the chair at her bedside. “And perhaps some blunt logic when I need it.”
Gemma laughed and reached for my hand. “I can do that.”
We stared at each other, unable to decide where to begin. I sniffed back a tear and let my attention fall to her stomach. “How are you? Both of you?”
She pulled her nightgown aside, and I drew the blankets up to cover the parts of her exposed.
There was no bandage, and the scar from where the spear had struck right through her was prominent but fully healed.
I didn’t know why, when I healed myself or others, scarring still occurred.
Maybe the gods granted us scars as reminders that we’re stronger than what we’ve endured.
She took my palm and gently laid it across her stomach. “Can you feel it?”
Within her, there were still two tendrils of life, now stronger and at peace.
I smiled. “I can feel life .”
Giggling tearfully, she rested her hand over mine. “We didn’t plan it, and we probably should have been more careful after I missed my contraceptive, but I can’t say I’ve ever been happier about anything in all my life.”
A deep, longing ache nagged at the joy I felt for Gemma. I clenched my jaw and forced it away, refusing to let it ruin this moment.
“Are you all right?” Gemma asked.
I nodded. “I was asleep for nearly half a day, but I’m fine now.”
“Ary.” The knowing sadness in her eyes grasped my heart and crushed it. “That’s not what I’m asking.”
Lips trembling, I shook my head and tore my eyes away. I promised myself I’d be strong. That I’d keep my mourning confined to my bedroom where I could curl up with the wolf pelt and his sweater and weep . Out here, I had to be strong.
“You loved him.” She stroked my cheek with her thumb. “I know.”
A choked-off sob bubbled out of my throat as I stared into my lap. Yes, I loved him. Despite not having my memories, despite all he’d kept hidden from me for too long out of fear, despite every terrible thing he had ever done, I loved him. And now I didn’t know how to stop loving him.
“You hated him,” I whispered.
“I did until I didn’t.” She looked down at her hands, gathering her thoughts.
“During the brief time I was with you and the Golds in Warrich, you sometimes just drifted off with this sad, empty look on your face. I thought it was just because you were sheltered, that maybe you were retreating into some sort of imaginative daze because it was more interesting than whatever was going on in that house.”
She looked up at me, her eyes rimmed with tears.
“But when he showed up, it was like something snapped into place for you. He woke you up . Not one more time in those following weeks did I see that empty look. You were happy and hopeful for the first time since I met you, and I hated that it was because of him . And Ary?” She tucked her finger beneath my chin, lifting my eyes to hers.
“I knew you were struggling, and I knew Elowen was hard on you, but I didn’t know how bad things got after she cast me out.
If I’d known, I would have told Elias, and I would have come back sooner.
” She blinked out a tear. “I’m so sorry. ”
I shook my head and croaked out, “It’s not your fault.”
“Perhaps. But I could have done better. And I’m proud of you for doing exactly what you needed to find yourself.” She squeezed my hand, knowing I needed to hear this. “I never want you to look as empty again as you did in Warrich.”
I nodded and swallowed, my throat thick with tears. “What did he say to you that night in Tovick?”
Her eyes filled with compassion. “He told me you were married. That Simeon took you away. He begged me to let him take you to Brinnea for one chance to see if you remembered your home before he gave you up. He was terrified to let you go, and he was fucking insane , but after all he told me, I remember feeling like no one has ever loved someone the way he loved you.”
I choked out a sob, finally breaking. “Gemma, he’s gone.”
“I’m sorry, Ary.” She reached for me. “Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”
I rested my head in her lap, focused on the smooth stroke of her gentle fingers in my hair, wept for nearly an hour, until I pulled myself together and felt slightly lighter than before, as if each time I cried, some of the tightness in my chest released and dissipated.
“Don’t ignore the sadness,” Gemma said. “But don’t be cruel to yourself, either. Let yourself focus on all the good things if that’s what it takes to survive.”
The good things. I still needed to see Caz and meet Marin and the baby. Then there was Ezra. I suspected that earning his forgiveness would be one of the hardest tasks ahead of me.
As if I’d summoned them with my thoughts, there was a knock on Gemma’s door.
“Come in!” she called.
Finn entered. Beside him, Caz walked in, tall and proud on two legs.
One of them his own, the other made for him.
His wide, genuine smile gave me hope that he wasn’t letting his new way of existing dampen his vibrant, uplifting spirit.
Marin—the spitting image of Mina, only older—had one arm wrapped around her husband’s waist. In the other was a sleeping baby boy with dark hair and a button nose.
“We told Caz and Marin everything,” Gemma admitted. “I hope that’s all right.”
My eyes welled with tears, overwhelmed with joy and relief. Caz stepped forward, his hazel eyes full of care and concern as he said, “It’s so good to see you, Ary.”
I let out a sigh and threw my arms around him. When we released each other, Caz gave me a sympathetic look that told me he knew why I was hurting. I forced myself not to dwell and turned to his wife instead.
“Marin.” I smiled warmly.
“My queen.” She greeted me with a graceful curtsy, even with an infant in her arms. “I heard my siblings got ahold of you at the Barracks. I imagine my little brother made quite a fool of himself, as usual.”
Caz shook with quiet laughter. I laughed, too. It felt good.
“Are Mavic and Mina here yet?” I asked, peering down at the sleeping baby in her arms.
“Just this morning,” Marin confirmed. “They came straight to their nephew, of course, but they’re so eager to see you.”
“He’s beautiful.” I ignored that same nagging ache in my chest as I admired the tiny child. “What’s his name?”
“Ari Mavic Sinclair.” When Caz saw my eyes shoot wide, he grinned and nudged me with his shoulder. “The ‘Ari’ is spelled with an i .”
I fell speechless. They named him after me, when I was the reason Caz was in Tovick when he lost his leg. After I failed to heal him. What could I possibly have done to deserve that honor?
Before I could ask, someone else knocked. I rushed to answer, only to have my heart drop into my stomach when I saw who was there.
“Hey Ezra,” I greeted him hopefully.
“The commander let me know we were having a little reunion.” Ezra’s bitter voice slashed straight through my hope. His blue eyes were cold with disappointment and distrust. Otherwise, he looked just as he did six months ago.
“Please, come in,” I encouraged him. He brushed past me into the room, then spun to face me. “We were just?—”
“Why did you let us believe you were dead ?” he nearly shouted.
“Ezra,” Finn warned.
“No, it’s okay,” I told Finn, then turned back to Ezra. “I died in Brinnea. When I came back, a lot about me… changed.”
“Yeah, I’ll say,” he scoffed. “The Ary I knew wouldn’t have been so selfish.”
I forced a deep breath through my nose. I hadn’t expected him to forgive me immediately. But I hadn’t expected this , either. “I needed some time, Ezra. To… recover .”
Ezra scoffed again. “I imagine you did, after what that disgusting monster did to you.”
The breath whooshed from my lungs, like he’d kicked me in the gut with his boot. In my periphery, four glares latched on to him. I closed off my throat to keep from throwing up.
“What?” Ezra snapped, his eyes darting angrily around the room. “Is no one else going to say it? We’re just going to pretend that the Butcher of Nyrida didn’t manipulate her straight into his bed?”
“Ez,” warned Gemma through gritted teeth. “You need to stop.”