Chapter 56 #2
Did he want praise? A round of applause? But part of me kicked myself for my scorn. He seemed to be trying. I had to give him that. And he was more sincere than I’d ever seen him.
But I was not ready for whatever… this was.
“I have feelings for you, Aryella. Strong feelings that I’ve never felt for anyone before. You and I… it’s not just an arrangement to me. It never has been.” His hands fell limply at his sides. “But I’m terrified that you…”
“What?” I pressed.
“Do you hate me, Ary? Because if I were you, I think I might.”
I sighed and sat down on the bed, letting him join me. “I don’t hate you, Elias.”
Some words, I left unsaid. I cared for him. He was my friend. I knew that he’d lay his life down for mine, but I didn’t trust him with my heart.
“I hated myself, you know, for what I was thinking that day you came to my barracks, blades wielded, fire burning. I thought, ‘Now, this one is strong.’ ” Elias brushed a stray hair behind my ear.
“I thought, ‘There’s no way the queen was this gods-damned beautiful. This sure of herself. This full of fight .’ ” Wincing, he used his thumb to caress the cheek he’d struck that day.
“So, when you called me out for letting them keep you locked up in Warrich, I didn’t strike you because I hated you.
On the contrary. The sight of you made me want to forget this idea of the queen I had in my head.
For the first time, I felt compelled to let go of her , and I hated that.
So, I’m sorry .” He swallowed hard and stroked my cheek again.
“Gods, I’m so sorry for how I treated you that day, Aryella. ”
I sighed guiltily. “I was dishonest with you, Elias.”
“But would you have felt the need to be, had you not been kept isolated? If we had just let you live with the rest of us?”
It wasn’t fair not to tell him how impossible that would’ve been, that I’d been locked up in a golden casket covered in roses, memories erased, while Simeon waited for what he deemed to be the perfect time to wake me up.
None of this was fair. Not to me or Elias. Not to Gavin.
I rose and turned my back to Eli, swallowing the painful lump forming in my throat at the briefest thought of him.
“Hey.” Elias grabbed my hand, pulling me back. “What’s wrong?” He frowned at the swollen, watery state of my eyes. “Ary, what did I say?”
“You didn’t say anything.”
You didn’t do anything when I needed you to do something .
“I’m trying.” His eyes darted between my eyes and mouth. “And I’m at a loss. I fucked up, and I don’t know what else to do to fix it.”
Be him.
I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing away the intrusive thought. When I moved to turn away, he cupped my face with both hands and held me still.
“You’re killing me here. It’s been two months,” Elias whispered, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip. “I need… something . Ary, will you please just let me kiss you?”
I looked up into his eyes and searched for a sign of dishonesty or ill will or bad intentions. I found none. And gods, I was tired. I didn’t want him to kiss me, but I was too exhausted to deny him. The heaviness of it all made my shoulders slump. I needed help somehow. Maybe this would help.
“Yes.”
Wasting no time, he leaned in and touched his lips to mine in a careful kiss.
I just… let him, until some desperate survival instinct kicked in and I kissed him back, needing warmth and connection, hoping it would feel something like the kiss I craved.
His lips were urgent, but not hungry. He smelled like mint and tasted like it, too, and his touch, as he tilted my chin for better access, was comforting and smooth.
It felt innocent and gentle at first, until he pulled me even closer and darted into my mouth, just barely.
For a few moments, I felt a little lighter.
Until any pleasurable sensations he wrought from me—and there were traces of some—were overwhelmed by my heart and body’s awareness of who he wasn’t.
There was no denying he was an expert, but he didn’t kiss me like his life depended on it. Like I was the air he breathed.
I pulled away slowly, unable to give him more, but I would have rather kept kissing him than endure what happened next.
Elias lowered himself to one knee. Pulse thudding against my ribs, I shifted where I stood, the silk of my dress sticking to my navel and hips. It was suddenly very hot in this room.
We were doing this here? Now?
“Aryella, I’m in love with you.” Elias took my hands in his.
And I, knowing what was coming, focused solely on those hands.
Long, strong fingers. Smooth, tan skin. I stared at the hands I knew would protect every part of me they could to the best of their ability.
I became transfixed by their perfection. Their beauty.
Their lack of scars.
“I don’t deserve you,” he continued. “You’ve humbled me in ways I needed, and I’m grateful for it.
Please give me a chance, and I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
” Elias squeezed my fingers, requesting my attention.
Numbly, I gave it to him. “Aryella, please marry me when we get back home.”
Home had become such a strange-sounding word to me. It had never been a place. From the day I woke up in an unfamiliar house with a family I couldn’t remember, with a strange emptiness in my stomach and an ache in my chest, home had been an abstract concept I wasn’t sure was mine.
Until him.
Now, I had to figure out what was left of me.
Put the salvageable pieces back together into something useful, something strong enough to go on.
Because I still had people who I loved and who loved me.
And most of all, there were people—hundreds of thousands of them—that needed me to fight.
I had grown to hate this world, but not the people in it. I couldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t .
I wasn’t sure I could fully forgive Eli, but he was , at least, my friend. Once, when this life first began, a friend had been more than I’d hoped for.
I knew I shouldn’t say no, but I couldn’t say yes, either.
What left my lips instead, in a pained, crackly whisper was, “I need… . ” I cleared my throat. “I need time. Can you give me that?”
Disappointment read plainly on his face. I couldn’t blame him.
“Yes,” he promised. “Whatever you need.”
Gratitude warmed my chest enough to give me the courage to embrace him. To try and meet him halfway. He held me back, his body hard, steady and warm. Just warm enough to keep me from crumbling.
Eventually, that was going to have to be enough.