Chapter 5
chapter five
Twelve Years Ago
This wasn’t what I expected when Callum asked me on a date.
His apartment was small and a bit run-down—the New York special.
He said his heater didn’t work very well, so we were both still bundled up in our jackets.
I was on the verge of shivering from the cold, wishing the warmer months would come quicker.
February wasn’t as bad as December, but it still felt like icicles were clinging to my skin.
Callum stood in front of the flimsy plastic table with a big smile on his face. “I made it myself. I know I’m not as good at cooking as Price or anything, but…” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the side.
I couldn’t help but smile a little. Shaking my head, I pulled the chair out from the table and sat down, looking over the spread. He’d covered it with a green sheet, and there was a vase with beautiful white flowers in the center. “I think it looks real nice.”
“Oh, good. I hope it tastes good. I tried a fancy pasta, which I may have gotten the recipe from Price for.”
It looked like it tasted good. Callum always said he wasn’t a very good cook, but I thought he was. I stuck my fork into the penne, watching the cheese break apart and become stringy as I pulled them away. The moment I put them on my tongue, the flavor exploded across my taste buds.
I hummed as I chewed, letting my eyes fall shut. “So good.”
He let out a long, relieved exhale. “Thank god. I thought it was going to taste like shit, honestly.”
“No. I like it. Better than anythin’ I ever tasted back in Tiger Falls.”
“Do you miss it? Home, I mean.”
I looked up at him over the top rim of my glasses, pausing mid-bite. “I, uh. I can’t say I do. It was where I grew up, but it wasn’t a home.”
“I get that.” He finished chewing and grabbed his glass of water. “I wouldn’t call the house where I grew up a home, either. Well, the one from when I was a little kid. Before my grandpa took me in.”
He talked about his grandpa a lot. He sounded like a really nice man. “Crew misses the nature. I don’t miss much of nothin’ about it. It’s pretty crowded here, but that’s ‘bout all I’ve had to get used to. I like bein’ close to places. And people.”
“Oh yeah, because you’re from a town even smaller than Crew. I’m glad you ended up here. Means I got to meet you.”
I came here to chase a dream. What that dream was, I still didn’t know.
Mama watched all them TV shows, and all the successful people were in New York.
Crew came here for the same reason—because Arkansas gave us nothing, and the city gave us something.
We’d both run from Tiger Claw Camp. We’d run from Thompson.
We’d run from the same trauma in hopes that we’d find something meaningful, even though we had no idea what that would be.
At least Crew had found his something meaningful. I know Mama was worried I wouldn’t find anything. I was worried, too.
Setting my fork down, I gave Callum a slight smile. “I’m glad I met you, too.” And I was. I hoped my smile was big enough to show that. I had such a hard enough time doing it, I was never sure if it looked genuine or not.
Callum stood, grabbing his plate and reaching out for mine. “I can take your plate. If you wanna sit on the couch, I’ve got a movie picked out for us to watch, too. Do you like comedies?”
I handed him my plate and glanced over at his couch. His very small couch. I could already feel my skin crawling, but I pushed through it to nod and walk over to it, taking a seat on the left cushion, as far into the side as possible.
How stupid was I? Of course, a date would mean being close. Of course, this is what he wanted. What else could dinner and a movie mean? I was dense. So fucking dense. But I liked him. I really liked him.
So maybe I could do it. Maybe I could do this, and he’d keep liking me too, and everything would be okay.
“Okay.” He plopped onto the cushion right beside me with an oof. “I bought this one, and I’ve watched it, like, a million times. It’s one of my favorites.”
The lights were out now, and the blinds were closed. The only other light was the TV’s glow. He was watching the screen, but I was watching him. Every subtle movement on his face, I calculated in my mind. Each sniffle, each curl of his lip, each smile, each loud laugh.
When he’d glance toward me, I’d look away, pretending like I wasn’t waiting. Like I didn’t know and understand what was coming. I was shocked and proud of myself when his arm went around my shoulders. I didn’t even flinch. Didn’t show on my face just how much I hated it.
If he knew just how dirty and fucked up I was, I doubted he’d even be touching me.
He inched closer to me, the sides of our thighs touching. He started to turn his head, so I looked away, but I could feel his gaze on me. There was heat penetrating my skin, and I knew. I knew it was time.
Slowly, I leaned forward and shed my jacket without uttering a single word.
Then I tugged at the hem of my shirt, lifting it off and throwing it onto the floor.
He wouldn’t mind, would he? No, if he was paying attention to the damage written across my skin in dirty, muddy letters, he wouldn’t notice anything else.
Just as I reached for my pants button, Callum shifted away on the couch. “Woah, what are you doing?”
I paused, turning my head toward him. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows furrowed together. “This is what you want, ain’t it?”
“Uh, this is our first date. I wasn’t really expecting…”
Fuck. “You don’t want me?”
He blinked at me. “What?”
Wrapping my arms around myself, I sank into the couch, wishing my shirt was closer to me. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I…I thought this was what you wanted. But you don’t like me like that, do you?”
“Like what, Tobi? Like you like what?”
“I dunno. Like you wanna be with me?”
Shaking his head, Callum moved just a bit closer. “I asked you on a date because I do like you. But I wanted a date. I wanted to get to know you outside of work. I wasn’t expecting anything else.”
What did that even mean? Is this not right? “Isn’t this…” I looked away from him, his almost apologetic eyes too much to handle. “Isn’t this what I’m supposed to do?”
“Supposed to do?” He sounded genuinely confused. “Tobi, no.”
But that was what they’d always said. This is what I was supposed to do. Offer the only thing I could, and in return, I’d get love. Friendship. Hope, even. “But I gotta eventually, right? So, why not now? Why not get it over with, and then there’ll be nothin’ to worry ‘bout? I’m fine with it.”
“No, you’re not.” He was right, but that wasn’t the point.
“You don’t ever have to do that, Tobi. Ever.
Even if we’re, like, together until the end of time or something, you don’t ever have to have sex with me.
If you wanted to, that’d be different. But you don’t.
And that’s okay. That’s always okay. Who told you that wasn’t okay?
” His voice had gotten shakier by the end, and it confused me.
Who told me? The only people I’d ever thought I could trust. Mama told me I didn’t have to do this stuff either, but Mason told me different. He told me she was a liar. She just didn’t want me dirtier than I already was from Thompson.
So who did I believe? Mama and Callum? Or Mason and Thompson?
I didn’t know anymore. I thought I did. I’d told Crew a hundred times over that what’d happened to us at camp wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t dirty, and he’d said the same to me.
He’d found Price, who loved him no matter what.
Price didn’t expect that stuff from Crew, but they still did it.
Crew liked it. But it was never expected of him. Crew had found Price.
Yet the only people I’d ever found had demanded it from me. Who did I believe?
Who did I believe?
Who was lying to me?
Was it luck, or was it me? Was it something that followed me everywhere I went? Like a target stuck to my back, demanding it over and over again. Was Callum the exception to the rule, or was he playing me like a fiddle, waiting until I gave it to him willingly?
“Tobi, please.” He whispered, handing my shirt out toward me. “I don’t need that. You don’t have to do that. I like you because I like you. I like you just how you are, not how you think you have to be. Anyone who ever said otherwise is wrong, and I’m so sorry.”
I looked him right in the eyes, slowly taking my shirt from his hand. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because someone treated you wrong, and I can’t change that.”
The silence hung between us, heavy and dripping with regret as I pulled my shirt back on. The cold air in his apartment had thoroughly attacked my skin, leaving goosebumps. There was too much in my mind all at once, and I didn’t know how to sift through it all. I didn’t know whose side to take.
Callum tilted his head, catching my attention once more. “I’ll prove it to you. I promise I’ll prove it to you, and I won’t ever touch you unless you ask me to or you give me permission to. Okay?”
What else was I supposed to say to that? “Okay.”
“Can I hug you?”
I thought about it for a second, wondering just how much I could take. I wondered if my body would fall apart and break if I let him touch me. If I let him do something as simple as hug me with no expectations for more. “Yeah, you can hug me.”
His arms wrapped around me, my muscles automatically going tense. I could hear him sniffling right by my ear, and though I couldn’t fully understand why, I relaxed. Sticking my nose into the side of his neck, I inhaled softly, wrapped my arms around him, and squeezed back.
I didn’t mind it. I wasn’t even scared of it. I liked being in Callum’s arms more than I thought I would, and that in itself was a miracle.
Maybe this was the dream I’d come to Crescent Planes for.