Chapter 13
chapter thirteen
Not only was I late, but now I was freezing cold and wasn’t even sure where I was stepping.
My feet didn’t feel like they were connected to my legs, and my legs didn’t feel connected to the rest of my body.
I was walking. I knew I was. I was watching the floor move beneath me, but I couldn’t feel that my legs were moving or feel the impact of my feet hitting the floor with every step.
Everything was still numb, and it wasn’t from the cold.
Jesse, the golden boy he was, kept talking to me in a chipper voice the whole way back to the meeting room. I wasn’t really listening, which made me feel a little guilty, but every time he said something, all I could hear was the contempt in Tobi’s voice. It hurt, so I didn’t listen very closely.
I followed him into the room, bracing for the moment I saw Price’s face. “Nice of you to join us, Callum. We were just about to wrap up.”
I pulled out the closest chair, banging my numb foot against the metal table leg.
Nope. Still couldn’t really feel it. And everyone and everything looked almost…
blurry. Fuzzy? I tried to blink a couple of times, but it didn’t change anything.
“Sorry. Had some trouble, forgot my key, lost track of my life. You know how it is. I’m sure I can play catch-up by myself, though. ”
“That’s alright. We have time before everyone starts coming in, so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes.” Crew opened a small manila folder. “Basically, we talked to some people, found a building we think is worth buying, and plan to open up a new location.”
“Oh, good. You already know what I think about that. Where will it be?”
“It’ll be in Newton. There’s going to be a lot more to it over the next few weeks, of course.
You’ll be our designated trainer once we have employees to train, but that’ll take a while.
We’ll pay you a higher rate and for the commute.
I’ve got a list of what all the OGs' duties will be when the time comes, and we’ll alternate schedules. ”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Isn’t it kind of early for all of that? I mean, what if something happens?”
He closed the folder and slid it down the table toward me. “How long have you known me? Planning makes my brain happy. I’d rather be overprepared than under. Besides, there’s a lot of sitting and waiting involved, and I don’t do well with sitting and waiting.”
That wasn’t always how it’d been. Crew had always been great with numbers, but the planning stuff didn’t really start until he’d gotten into therapy. He said it’d helped calm his mind down to have so many pieces to a large puzzle to put together.
Sometimes, I wondered if it was unhealthy how much he agonized over things. But I accepted him for who he was—we all did. We never tried to change him, even if we did give him grief about it from time to time.
Was that the kind of thing Tobi had been talking about? Was I not accepting him at face value for who he was? Did I even know who he was anymore?
Fuck.
“You good?” Jesse whispered beside me.
I jolted, the sound of his voice taking me out of whatever trance I was in.
When I looked up, I noticed Crew was looking at me funny, too.
I tried to brush it off the best I could and pretend like yes, I was perfectly fine.
Perfectly normal. My world wasn’t crashing down around me.
“Yeah, no, I get that. For sure. Anyway, that sounds amazing. I’m really excited. ”
“Thanks for bringing the idea up.” Price nodded at me.
“We talked a bit about numbers and boring shit. We’re still on track, and we decided to keep our waitlist how it is for now until we know more about the Newton location.
Also, we went shopping for Christmas dinner, so we’ll be good on that front too. Make sure to show up on time.”
“What time do we need to get there? And do I need to bring anything specific?”
Crew perked up in his seat once again. “Oh, I have another list for that. If you could bring one dessert and some soda for those who don’t drink, that would be great.
I’ll text you the list for that so you know what everyone is bringing.
We’ll be ready for visitors by ten, but I don’t think we’ll eat until noon or a bit after. ”
I gave him a thumbs up. “Sounds good. Can I bring Fishy?”
“Oh, you fucking better.” He paused for a second, then added to his thought, “As long as you bring your Swiffer. Are you going to bring your little friend you mentioned the other day with you, too?”
Rolling my eyes, I sank into the rolling chair.
It moved with the shift of my body weight, pushing me further from the table.
As I fumbled with it, I thought about Jack and how helpful he’d been about everything with Tobi.
I wondered if he’d be okay with coming to a Christmas dinner where almost everyone cooked fine cuisine for a living as a thank you.
“Just a friend, Crew. His name is Jack. I might see if he’d be willing to come, if you don’t mind.
I know you wanted a head count before you went shopping. ”
Jesse laughed. “You know they buy enough extra to feed a small army every year. I’m sure it’s fine.”
Crew was nodding before Jesse had even finished.
“We are more than fine. He’s welcome to come if he wants to.
” He slapped his hands on the table and pushed his chair back.
“Okay, that’s pretty much it. Everyone say thank you to Callum for making us have to go over all of that again and then let’s start prep for service. ”
Right. Work. I had to do that on top of everything else that had happened today. I’d have to somehow find my head so I could do the job I genuinely loved but found myself dreading.
Could I even reliably handle a fully booked service with how I was right now?
Fuck, that shouldn’t have even been a question.
Just because the lights were too bright, the noises were too loud, my vision was too blurry, and I couldn’t really feel my body didn’t mean I couldn’t do my job. Right? Right.
Just a silent disco happening, but in my entire body instead of my mind. I wasn’t even sure what to call that. A body disco? No. That didn’t sound right.
I whipped my head to the side as I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Crew. Just Crew. Nobody else was in the room anymore. “Hey. Silent disco, or exhaustion?”
Rubbing a hand over my face, I sighed. “Is both an option?”
“You know it is. What’s going on? Is this about Tobi? You haven’t said anything about him since you said you saw him last.”
Tobi, Tobi, Tobi. He was infecting my mind all over again.
When we were young and in love, he’d been on my mind twenty-four seven.
I was always thinking of him. His smile.
His laugh. The way he’d push his glasses up with his middle finger and scrunch his nose to make them fit just right.
I hadn’t seen him with glasses recently…
Had he outgrown them? Or had he lost them?
He used to be on my mind constantly, with nothing but love in my heart and a smile on my face, and now he was the only thing on my mind, but all I felt was shame. And guilt. And confusion.
No. I didn’t need to tell Crew anything until I had more to tell him.
I hated lying. It made me anxious, like most other things in the world.
I brought my thumb up to my mouth, biting on a piece of the skin on the side.
“No.” I shook my head, the word mumbled with my thumb between my teeth.
“There’s nothing to say about Tobi. I’ll let you know when there is. I’m just kinda silent disco-y today.”
Crew sat in the chair in front of me, nodding with his gaze stuck on the thumb I’d just torn apart with my teeth. “Your fingers won’t ever heal if you don’t let them. I hope you always wear gloves.”
“You know I do. Don’t worry, I’ll be good to work. Just need to get my shit together.”
“You know I’m here, right? If you need to talk things out. Maybe we can do some breathing exercises together.”
“I know, C.” I put on the fakest fucking smile I could muster.
At least I hoped so because I couldn’t really tell what my face was doing at this point.
“Thanks. It’s just a lot of stuff. Pops just got out of the hospital, so I’m less stressed with that, but I think I still have some residual anxiety from all of it. ”
His lips turned up into a huge smile, his bright, icy-blue eyes damn near sparkling. He looked so genuinely happy for me, clapping his hands together. “Oh, I’m so glad he’s home! I know how worried you’ve been.”
“Yeah, thank you. He was pretty excited to get home. He’d been bitching and complaining the entire time he was there. I know the nurses were tired of him.”
“I can see that. How about you go take a smoke break and see how the cold air treats you? Just use the doorstopper from in here to prop the back door open a bit so you don’t get locked out.”
That sounded heavenly. As long as I could make it there without falling flat onto my face. “I’ll go do that. Do you think they’ll be alright without me for a while?”
Crew stood from the chair and rolled his eyes. “They’ll be fine. They know what they’re supposed to be doing. I’ll check on ‘em though, just to make sure. Go take that break. You’ve had quite the morning, it seems.”
“Thanks, disco buddy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He put a hand on his chin, looking up and humming like he was thinking. “Hmm, you’ll probably still be with Brandt, having the time of your life.”
“I call bullshit.”
“I know. You’d be miserable.”
I chuckled and patted my pants pocket as I stood, feeling around for my lighter. I had a pack of cigarettes in my locker in the back still. “See ya.”
“See ya. Let me know if you need a breathing buddy instead of a disco buddy.”
I grabbed the doorstop on my way out and made a stop at my locker. My legs were still jelly by the time I got the door cracked open, but the cold air on my face somewhat brought me back to reality.
Placing the cigarette between my lips, I cupped a shield around the lighter as I pressed on the wheel over and over again.
It was far too windy and far too cold to be a smoker.
It took five tries, but I finally got a flame, and that first inhale…
The best one, in my opinion. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes as I let the nicotine poison me from the inside out.
I wondered if Tobi was still doing okay in this cold, windy weather.
The snow had started to melt a little, thankfully.
The alleyway we had sat together in wasn’t completely covered in it—just a few spots dotted along the ground.
We’d be expecting more snow soon, though.
Did he have a place to stay warm? Maybe I should text Jack and see if he’ll keep an eye out for him, make sure he’d still let him stay in the bar if he wanted to.
I groaned before inhaling again. Jack. I needed to call him and let him know what’d happened. Maybe he’d have some insight. Though I wasn’t sure just how much his insight would help me in this situation.
When had everything gone wrong? When had I dropped the ball and failed Tobi? I knew he’d gotten distant. I knew he’d gotten quieter. I’d tried, I thought. I’d tried to ask him what was wrong, but he never answered me. He pretended like everything was okay, I thought.
What signs had I missed? Ignorance hadn’t been bliss; it’d been agony. Ignorance in the way I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out the why, and I assumed he’d come to me when he was finally ready. I never thought he’d leave.
The day I’d woken up and realized Tobi had left was one of the worst days of my entire life.
I’d rather go through all the years I’d been forgotten by my parents in the house I was supposed to call home before Papa took me in than relive that day a single time.
I think my heart had broken that day, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever fully gotten it back.
I watched the smoke rise to the sky as I flicked the cigarette onto the ground and stomped on it, mashing it onto the pavement. I just needed to make it through the day. And I hoped Tobi made it through the cold so I could prove to him I wouldn’t fail him again.