Chapter 17 #2
“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked, coming out so broken and so unlike him that it started to break me, too.
“I had convinced myself all that time that…that you had found someone better. You’d moved somewhere else, and you had a few dogs and a nice life.
I had to think like that, or else it would’ve killed me.
I had to think you were happy, or I would’ve lost everything because I’d lost you.
I was worried, of course. I was distraught.
I was searching for your name in obituaries.
” He wiped a few of his tears away, but they were immediately replaced with more.
“But I gave you a whole new life in my head, and all the while, you were suffering so much. And I had no idea. I wasn’t there.
I hadn’t noticed the signs you gave me before you left. ”
He shifted forward, placing his elbows on his knees and letting his head hang.
“I want to fucking kill anyone who ever laid a hand on you, Tobes. You didn’t deserve that.
You don’t deserve that. No fucking human deserves that, but you especially don’t.
You’re so kind. So sweet. You alone lit up my entire world in a way no one else has ever and could ever do.
You are a massive fucking supernova in a sky of nothing but black.
You light up the entire earth just by existing on it.
You didn’t deserve this, and I am so sorry that drinking yourself to death is the only thing that has helped the weight on you when I should’ve been there to help instead. ”
I winced as he said it. I remembered telling him that bullshit when I was drunk off my ass and angry.
I was so angry. Not at him, but at myself.
I wasn’t good enough. I never had been, and I still wasn’t.
I was just a drunken waste of space, and no matter how much I’d try to change, I’d never be good enough for him.
He just couldn’t see that, so he’d been trying to get me to do something I wasn’t ready for.
It hurt knowing I wasn’t good enough. “It wasn’t your fault.
You never could’ve known. I just said that because I’m a drunken asshole.
I don’t understand how you see me so bright, but I ain’t that guy anymore, Cal.
I’m dark. I’m so fucking dark and gloomy, and I’ll do nothing but bring frustration into your life. ”
He looked up at me, his eyes glossy with overflowing tears as his breath hitched and his body moved with it. I could see it. All the pain. All the despair. All the shit I’d put him through. “You don’t think I failed you?”
“No. You never failed me. I’m just a failure.”
“You’re not. You’re worth it. You’re worth it all. Whatever I have to do. Whatever I have to endure, you’re worth it to me. You’re more than enough—you always have been.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get sober, Callum. I don’t know how to exist without it.”
“You’re sober now, aren’t you? You’re staying in a bar, and you’re still sober. Doesn’t that mean something?”
I huffed a laugh. A humorless, soulless thing. “Jack trusted me. I don’t wanna burn that bridge before it’s even been built. That, and…um. I don’t know. I wanted to see if I could even do it. How it’d feel to be sober so I could see if I had the willpower if I did it for you.”
He sat up, wiping the rest of his tears away and sniffling. “Don’t do it for me, Tobi. Do it for yourself. Do it because you want to do it, not because I want you to. I don’t want to change you. I want you to care.”
“About myself? I don’t know if I ever will. About you?” I let my lips turn up into a grin. A pathetic, sad little grin as I thought about the short years we’d spent together. “I never stopped. Caring about you is easy.”
“Caring about you is easy for me, too. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Cal. I’m already feeling sick and I already really fuckin’ want to drink. I’m still, at my core, an alcoholic.”
He shook his head and leaned forward, packing the food back up. “No. At your core, you’re still Tobi. And that’s enough hope for me that you’ll be okay.”
How could he believe in me that easily and with that much conviction? God, my stomach hurt so badly. The nausea had gone into overdrive. I gripped the small blanket beside me, trying to keep my hands from shaking. I’d kicked the blanket away forever ago because I’d gotten so hot.
“How long has it been since you drank, Tobi?”
My heart was pounding, too. I could feel it working harder, and I could hear it in my head. “Maybe around five? Why?”
He finished putting everything back into the bag and checked his phone. “Merry Christmas, Tobes. It’s midnight. You’ve gone seven hours without drinking.”
Was that supposed to make me feel better? More accomplished? I wanted it back. The numbing. The way my brain quieted and my body settled when I was too fucked up to notice anything different.
“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”
My eyebrows came together as I looked up at him. Was I sweating? My forehead felt sticky. “What?”
“The hospital. If you’re about to go through withdrawals, you need to be in a hospital. If you don’t want to detox, then—and I never thought I’d say this—you need to drink. Alcohol withdrawals can kill you.”
“I don’t have any booze.”
“There’s some behind the counter. I’ll pay Jack back. He’ll understand.”
I shook my head and wiped my forehead. His words were jumbled up in my brain, and it was getting harder to process them. “You’re going to pay for me to drink?”
He stood up, walking to the door. “If you want to detox, I will drive you right now. If you want to get sober, I will take you.”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I just wanted to see. I just wanted to try. I wanted to know what I was capable of. I didn’t mean for it to get this far.
“You’re still not ready.”
No. No, I wasn’t. I wanted to be, though, so maybe that was progress.
Callum looked around for a second before grabbing a small trash can from the other side of the room and pushing it toward me. “I’ll stop by the alley before I go to lunch tomorrow. I know Jack said he gave you a spare if you need to go in and out. Will you meet me there so I can check on you?”
I nodded.
He went to open the door but stopped, looking over his shoulder. “Why do you always go to that one? I would’ve gone anywhere to meet you.”
I had to force myself to swallow. My entire body felt like it was vibrating. “Because I’m as close to my past as my brain will let me. Any closer, I’m scared I’ll fall apart.”
“Maybe one day you’ll come inside and see us all.” He turned to the door, leaving me with nothing to look at but his back. “I’ll be here until you’re ready, Tobes. I hope you know that.”
The moment he left and closed the door behind him, I lurched forward and grabbed the trash can, holding it under my mouth as I threw up everything in my stomach. I couldn’t stop. My body was officially rejecting the lack of alcohol in my stomach, and I knew Callum was right. I knew he was.
If I didn’t drink, I’d start going through hell. If I drank, I’d stay right where I was.
But I wasn’t ready.