Chapter 21 #2
The moon was high in the sky, shining at max brightness. It was beautiful. Callum didn’t seem to appreciate it, though, instead sitting at the edge of his bed, staring down at the floor. What was he seeing? I wanted to know. I didn’t know if I could ask, though.
I walked forward, standing right in front of him. “Callum?”
He tilted his head up, staring at me. His eyes were begging for something. Something I wasn’t sure I could give him. His voice was hoarse and shaky, and he had to clear his throat to get anything out. “The rocking chairs. I didn’t finish them in time.”
It was almost New Year’s Day. Just a few more hours, and it’d be a whole new year. But he still had time, didn’t he? “Okay. I’m sure you can finish them later, Cal.”
“No.” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “No, Tobes. He’s dead.”
I had just started to warm up, and now ice was traveling all the way down my spine. The shock of his words had my muscles tightening and my brain short-circuiting. “What?”
“Papa died. Papa died, and I couldn’t save him. I was there. I was right there, Tobes. And he died!”
His forehead hit my stomach as he fell forward, his entire body shaking with his sobs.
I didn’t even flinch. I just cradled the back of his head, staring out the window behind him.
Grandpa Stanton had died? And Callum had been there?
“Oh, Cal.” I slowly started to sink to the floor, landing on my knees. “Cal, I’m so sorry.”
“It hurts so much.”
I could feel it. Feel his hurt as if it were my own. It was massive, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I wished I could take it from him. I held his face, pulling him gently until our foreheads were touching. “I know. I know it hurts, baby. I’m so sorry.”
He gasped and hiccupped through more tears.
“I can’t eat. I-I can’t sleep. I can’t do this.
I can’t do it. I just can’t. Every time I close my eyes, h-his face is there.
His eyes didn’t close. I didn’t get to close his eyes.
He can’t—” His entire body shuddered, echoing into mine as he heaved a deep breath. “He can’t sleep with his eyes open.”
“Shhh, shhh, shhh. It’s okay.” I shifted forward, resting his head on my shoulder and holding him to me. “He can still rest, baby. He’s not hurting. You know that.”
“Do you think they closed them when they took him?”
“They did. I know they did.”
His arms came around me, squeezing me so tight, I struggled to breathe for a moment. “That’s it, Cal. Hold on to me. I’ve got you.”
“I can’t do it, Tobi. I can’t do this. Not without Papa.”
I started to rock us gently, ignoring the pain in my lower back from the position. Petting his hair, I tilted my head so I could whisper directly into his ear. “Yes, you can. You’re strong, baby. You’re so strong. I know you can do it.”
His fingers dug into my shoulder blades, like if he wasn’t clinging onto me, he’d float away. Just sink into the floor and never return. His cries were softer, and his breaths weren’t as deep. “My papa. I miss my papa. I miss my papa so much.”
“Shh, it’s okay. I know that, and so does he. He knows how much you love him.”
“It hurts so much, Tobes.”
“I know. I wish I could make it stop.”
He started to pull away a little, so I let him. He didn’t let me go, but he looked me right in the eyes. Dead center. Saw straight into my fucking soul. “This is why you drink.”
Not a question. Not a judgment. Not even just a statement. A painful, heartbreaking understanding from the one man I never wanted to understand. I shook my head and pushed his bangs out of his face. “Not anymore. Not anymore, Cal. If you have to feel this pain, then I’m gonna feel it too.”
A decision.
The last straw.
Callum paused, going completely still except for a small intake of much-needed breath. He looked between my eyes, searching for something. A lie? Was he expecting me to lie? Maybe disappointment. “Tobi, do you really mean that?”
I held each side of his face in my hands, trying to show him as best as I could. Show him how fucking serious I was. “For you? I’d do anything.”
He sniffled but was otherwise silent for a moment.
We stayed like that, looking into each other’s eyes.
His had swallowed me whole twelve years ago, and I hadn’t felt the same since I’d left them.
It felt so right to be lost in them again.
It took a lifetime's worth of weight off my shoulders, leaving me to dance with the wind.
I was sober. Stone-cold, hardcore, totally sober, and I felt fearless. Courageous. Certain. “Come here, baby. Let’s get you tucked into bed, and then I need to make a phone call from your phone if that’s okay.”
He leaned back, pulling the messy blankets out from under him as he settled on the right side of the bed.
That used to be his side when we slept together.
I pulled the blankets up to his chin, tucking in the sides all around him.
There were still some tears waiting in his eyes, but they hadn’t fallen yet.
They glistened in the moonlight, and I wanted to swim in them.
When I pulled away, he pulled his arm out from under the blankets to grab my wrist. “Wait.” He swallowed a few times, letting one of the waiting tears fall. “Will you sing me a lullaby?”
I kneeled on the ground beside him. “Of course. Which one?”
“Did your mom ever sing any to you?”
I smiled, thinking back to when I was too young to know my life had already been ruined. I remembered Mom’s voice like it was yesterday. “Yeah, she did.”
“Sing your favorite.”
Tucking his arm back under the blankets, I started to pet his hair and sing to him in a quiet, gentle voice. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
His eyes closed, and his lips relaxed as he listened to me. “The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried.”
I didn’t get any past that before he was asleep. He looked so peaceful. Like the weight of the world had finally fallen, and he, too, felt weightless.
I stood up from the floor and took one last look at him. I couldn’t help it. I leaned down, pressing my lips to his forehead, and whispered. “I love you, Callum. I’ll make sure to tell you that when you’re awake, and I’ve earned your love back. I promise.”
I grabbed his phone from the nightstand. There were dozens of notifications he’d been ignoring since yesterday. I swiped up and stared at the code, wondering if it’d be the same. I tried it anyway, typing in zero four zero two, and watched as it unlocked to the home page.
My birthday.
Stepping out into the hallway, I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the cold hardwood floor. Fishy seemed to come out of nowhere, barreling toward me to sit in my lap. “Hi, buddy. I see you.” I petted his ears as I dialed out to the only other person I truly trusted.
He sounded sleepy as he answered, his voice deep and confused. “Callum? You okay?”
It took a second for my throat to work. My tongue hadn’t fully dried up and cracked yet, but it was close. “Crew, it’s Tobi.”
Silence. Complete silence.
“Crew?”
“Holy fuck.”
Yeah, I was expecting that. “I know. It’s a bit of a shock, huh?”
“Kind of like talking to a ghost, honestly. Um, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”
“No. No, everything is not okay.” I sighed, leaning my head against the wall behind me. “I know I have no room to ask this, but I need a favor. It’s for Callum.”
There was some shuffling and a voice in the background. It sounded like Price had woken up, too. “What is it?”
“Callum ain’t doin’ good. At all. He needs someone here. I don’t think he’s eaten or really done much of anythin’ except sleep and take care of Fishy. I don’t think he’s even told Jack what’s happened, either. I want to be here myself, but I need to detox. In a hospital.”
“Holy fuck. Holy fucking shit.”
“What’s wrong?”
“You’re gonna get sober?”
I closed my eyes, feeling the burn behind my eyelids.
“Yeah, C, I’m gonna get sober. I’m gonna get sober, I’m gonna come back, and I’m gonna take care of Callum until he doesn’t need to be taken care of anymore, and then I’m gonna love him.
I’m gonna love him until he says he don’t love me anymore. ”
There was sniffling on his end now. “He won’t say he doesn’t love you. He’s loved you all this time, and he’s gonna keep loving you. Go get sober, Tobi. I’ll take it from here.”
This was it. This was my moment. My moment to stop being selfish and to face the cycle I’d been stuck in head-on. No more numbing. No more fucking around. “How fast can you get here?”
“Uh, like twenty minutes. Do you want Price to take you to the hospital?”
Letting people in terrified me. The idea of owing someone a favor made my stomach curdle. But I already owed Crew and Price my entire life and more. What was one more thing? “Yeah, that’d be great if he’s willin’.”
“We’re on our way.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey, Tobi?”
“Yeah?”
“Welcome back. We’re really fucking glad you’re here. And we’re even happier that you’re asking for help instead of trying to do it all by yourself.”
Fishy whined from my lap as tears of my own dripped into my beard and mustache. “Yeah. It feels good to be back.”