Chapter 33 #2
Mom raised an eyebrow at me. “You ever tell the boy why you left in the first place?”
“Yeah, I did. I told him.”
“You were always so quiet about that. Wouldn’t say a word. You gonna tell me ‘bout it now?”
I felt myself sink into the couch. Foreign claws wrapped around the edges of my heart, holding onto it so tightly, I wondered when they’d break through the muscle. How much did a heart bleed when it was broken into? Mine must’ve almost been out by now. “Yeah, Mama. Yeah, I’m gonna tell you.”
“It’s somethin’ bad, ain’t it?”
I nodded.
Her lips pursed together, her face relaxing into something far more sullen. “You got that same look on your face as you did when I took you from camp.”
I nodded again.
I watched as her chest rose and fell through a deep breath. She tugged her robe tighter around her shoulders before nodding. “Okay. Alright, I’m listenin’, baby. I’m ready.”
Was she? I could only imagine the pain she’d feel when she finally knew. When she heard the words come out of my mouth that couldn’t be taken back about the man she’d claimed as her second son.
Guilt. It was a powerful, overwhelming thing.
It caused shame and kept life from being lived again.
It kept me silent. It kept me miserable.
It kept me from wanting to see the look on my mother’s face when I told her just how much pain I’d been through.
My pain was her pain. I’d known that even when I was little.
My heart beat because of her own, pumping with her blood and her blood alone. My dad was a deadbeat, leaving her to raise me all on her own. I respected her. I loved her. And I was about to fucking crush her.
I leaned forward, setting my cup on the table in front of the couch.
There were no kind words I could say, no ways to make it easier to hear.
There was nothing I could do to sugarcoat what’d happened.
So I didn’t. And I found that to be easier.
“Mason abused me from the time he moved in until he went off to the army.”
For a second, I wondered if she’d even heard me. She just stared at me, her face frozen in the same expression. Until a barely there sheen glossed over her waterline. “What? Mason did what?”
Callum wrapped an arm around my waist, keeping me close as I tried to say it all. Tried to admit to it. “Abused me. Touched me. He molested me, Mom.” I searched her eyes, looking for the comfort I’d deprived myself of for so fucking long. “He molested me.”
She was looking in my direction, but she wasn’t looking at me.
Her eyes were unfocused, and there were tears gathering on her bottom lashes.
She lifted her hand, pointing at the floor.
Her voice was shaking—was it fear? Was it anger?
Or was it because my demons had taken hold of her, too, and they were shaking her?
Her lip trembled as she seemed to force her words out, small and timid, almost. “In the house? In my house?”
I nodded.
The pink robe around her shoulders shook with her entire body. Her hands trembled as she put them back in her lap, her eyes looking away from mine. Was she staring at the wall behind me, or was she staring at her memories, wondering where it’d all gone wrong?
“Oh, my god.” I could hear the moment her breath got caught in her throat. The next one was a gasp—a quick pant before she stopped breathing altogether. “Oh, my god. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him. I swear I’m gonna kill him.”
My hurt was her hurt, and her hurt was mine. They were interchangeable. We’d both trusted Mason. We’d both trusted the camp.
We’d both trusted, only to be betrayed by those who should’ve been the most trustworthy.
I wiped the matching tears beneath my eyes. “I left ‘cause I was scared. Everything felt so good and so right with Callum that I’d convinced myself it was too good to be true. I had already been freaking myself out, but then you said he was comin’ home. And I got scared, Mama. I ran.”
She was holding back. I could see it. I could tell.
I could feel it from across the room. Her hands were clutching her robe, her knuckles turning white.
Her lips were changing color, too, with how tightly she was keeping them closed.
But her eyes… Fuck, her eyes were swimming, and her cheeks were shining, and I could hear her pain with every restrained breath she took.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.
I had no clue. If I’d known, oh, god, I would’ve—” She cut herself off, shaking her head.
“It broke me when you told me what Thompson had done. I didn’t wanna leave you without a mama by goin’ off and killin’ somebody.
” She huffed. “But this? Oh, baby, you can visit me in jail now. I ain’t too worried ‘bout it.”
“You couldn’t have known, Mom. I didn’t think nothin’ was gonna happen because, well, you saw how things went with Thompson. I just kept it a secret.”
She held her arms out to me, begging silently.
Begging to hold me. I got up and walked over immediately, curling into her as much as possible.
I couldn’t fit in her lap, or else I’d be there.
Instead, I slid between her and the arm of the chair and ignored the pain in my back as I laid my head on her shoulder.
I closed my eyes as she started to pet my hair in slow, soft motions. “Oh, my baby.” She whispered. “Thank you.”
Feeling her fingers card through my hair reminded me of when I was a kid. When she’d come tuck me into bed, sing me a song, and push the hair away from my forehead to give me a kiss there. It reminded me of the childhood safety I’d had, if only for a little while. “What for?”
“Just ‘cause I’m your mom don’t mean I’m owed your trust. Thank you for trustin’ me.
Thank you for comin’ back. Thank you for bein’ so strong, and thank you for bein’ yourself.
” She pressed a kiss to the side of my head, breathing in the scent of my hair.
“I am so proud to have raised you, son. Even more, I’m gonna fight like hell for you.
” Her voice lowered, cracking and fading with each new word.
“It’s the bare fuckin’ minimum I can do. ”
I clung to her like I was six again and scared of all the things that didn’t make sense.
Like the dark and the shadows that lurked in it.
I gripped her robe, crushing the fuzzy material between my fingers.
“I’m here now, Mama. I don’t care what happens with Mason.
I don’t care that Thompson died before somethin’ could’ve happened to him.
I don’t care because I just care that I’m here.
The past don’t matter right now. Nothin’ else matters.
Nobody else matters. I’m back with you and with Cal.
I’m sober. I’m so fuckin’ happy, and for so long, I didn’t think that’d ever be a possibility for me. ”
“It’s always been a possibility, Tobi baby. Always.”
“I know that now, Mom. I know that now.”
She pressed her cheek against my head, sniffling through a shaky breath. “And for the rest of your life ‘cause neither me nor Callum over there will let you forget it. Okay?”
For the rest of my life. That sounded pretty fucking good to me. Really fucking good. Having Mom by my side, and Callum just across from me, and the entire OG staff at Fire and Ice… Fuck, it was a dream I never thought I’d get to have again.
I’d sat across the street, drunk off my ass and wasting away, thinking of all the time I’d missed out on. I’d thought it was too late. I’d told myself there was no way I’d ever get what I really wanted. I’d convinced myself that part of my life was over, and I made no efforts to change that.
Now I had ten years’ worth of catching up to do. God, I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life making up for that and more.
I nodded, breathing in Mom's signature perfume, reminding myself that I didn’t need to commit every note to memory because I’d see her again. I wasn’t going to run. I wasn’t going to leave her behind. “Okay.”