Chapter 43 Lexi
LEXI
“You’re sweating,” Jonah said, coming back into my room. I’d woken up at the knock on the front door.
“Who’s out there?” I asked, hearing voices.
My dress was riding up above my knees. I reached to pull my dress off, anything to feel better, without thinking what to replace it with when Jonah asked, “I have people I trust taking care of Evie. Now where are your pajamas?”
His voice jolted me. I felt like I was alone, stumbling through vacant streets of the city in a daze, with Evie just out of sight. The fear that memory brought along with it didn’t leave so easily.
“Dresser. Top drawer,” I murmured.
In a minute, he got a pair of pink heart-patterned pajamas.
“This okay?” he asked, but I was pulling my dress straps off in frustration.
I was having delirious dreams of CPS showing up at my door and accusing me of being a neglectful mom.
“Here, let me help,” he said, and stepping behind me so that my back was to him, he pulled my dress up and over my head.
He slipped the shirt over me quickly, his firm hands tugging it down quickly. His sturdy hands brushed against the sides of my naked torso accidentally, but he pulled them away. I was still sweating, and he helped me get my pajamas on, lifting my butt so that he could pull them all the way up.
I lay back in bed, my mind still spinning, my heart still racing from fear.
If anything had happened to me … I thought again. I couldn’t seem to get my mind to move on from that thought.
I looked at Jonah, suddenly noticing that he was pacing the room, arms crossed over his chest. He couldn’t seem to sit still.
“What else can I do for you?” he asked.
“Nothing. I’m—” my lips quivered, “fine.”
I turned away, feeling nauseated, my chest tightening when he strode over to me.
“The truth, Lexi,” he said roughly. “I need you to tell me how you are.”
I nodded, pressing my lips together to stop from sobbing. I didn’t want to break down in front of him. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to console me. We didn’t have that kind of relationship.
“I feel horrible,” I choked out, feeling shallow breaths leaving my lungs.
I couldn’t seem to breathe properly. “Like I’m going to die.
What if something bad had happened to me in the night?
Who’d be Evie’s primary caretaker in my absence?
I don’t trust Dylan to be a good father. Nor my mom. Who can I trust?”
It was a question I’d never considered before.
I sobbed and wept, my body shaking as the events of the past few days rolled over my mind once again. Being ignored by Jonah last evening, not having another adult to rely on and failing Evie as a parent.
Jonah half turned, his lips pressing against my hair. “Well, for starters, it’s time I showed you that you can trust me, Lexi,” I heard him say while my body shook with my sobs.
All fears of Jonah seeing me at my worst faded away, his body so solid and strong, so nonjudgmental and so calm that I didn’t hold my tears back any longer. He was getting to witness it all. Why, oh why, did he stay?
I lay my head against the crook of his shoulder, my eyes hurting from the hot tears pouring out and my fingers holding on to his shirt. I cried while Jonah held me through it all.
“I’ve got you, Lexi. You can trust me to take care of Evie, no matter what happens.”
The next morning, I woke up to hear a pitter-patter of feet in the kitchen. Unlike other mornings, Evie hadn’t rushed in to wake me up. It was eight a.m., and I heard her voice talking to Jonah.
Jonah.
My eyes snapped wide open, and my feet hit the floor instantly.
Was he still here?
Pulling my dressing gown over me and flattening my hair, I walked into the kitchen, feeling very conscious of how I must look.
I found Jonah and Evie wearing aprons and making breakfast.
“French toast!” Evie squealed before she saw me and turned and launched herself on me.
“Oof,” I grunted, barely remembering just in time to put my arm out to the wall to steady myself and stay upright.
I wasn’t prepared for a forty-eight-pound child to hug me breathlessly.
Jonah gently pulled her off me before giving her a bowl, in which he’d cracked three eggs open, and asking her to help him find a whisk.
That kept her engaged as she opened various drawers and cabinets while Jonah turned to me.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, his voice still deep and low. His eyes stayed fixed on me, taking me in. He placed a hand on my forehead, which was thankfully cool, for now. I knew he’d be checking my temperature again in another five or six hours.
“Good,” I said as he handed me a cup of freshly brewed coffee.
I stared at it for a beat, my heart thudding as I looked back at him. He was here, still taking care of us. This was … impossible.
My heart softened, and all my fears about re-creating Stacey and Rafael’s ill-fated story retreated to the recesses of my mind.
“Oh, Jonah,” I whispered as I understood much, much more.
I used to lust for him, but lately, I felt like I was burning with the wrong kind of emotion.
Things were very different between us now, and the emotions swirling in me scared me.
It wasn’t that I simply didn’t lust for him anymore; it was that if he kept going on like this, I was in danger of falling in love with him.
“I’m glad you came over,” I murmured. “You were in control, responsible, and everything I should be, but I’m not.”
He touched me gently, stroking my cheek. “I don’t agree with the last part of that sentence, but I’m not going to get you into an argument today.”
My heart beat steadily as he wrapped one arm around my waist, dipping his head briefly to give me a quick peck on my lips.
With a quick glance at Evie, who had her back to us, he buried his face in my neck, breathing me in.
When he lifted his head, the look on his face said he wanted to do anything but step back.
“I wasn’t happy all week long, Lexi,” he said, tracing my cheek with his finger. “I wasn’t happy because I thought we were done. For good.”
His breath lingered on my cheek even as his gaze burned into mine.
Ah. I see. My heart melted.
“I thought so too,” I agreed, glancing over at Evie, who had somehow gotten hold of the can opener. I hurried over to trade it for a whisk from the drawer. She squealed with delight and ran circles around the kitchen, waving it like a victory flag.
Jonah turned to me, his face serious. “I didn’t want to lose you. But I didn’t want to admit to you that I was afraid of losing you.”
The big, intolerable jerk.
His voice dropped. “When you didn’t show up to work and I found out the reason why, I couldn’t tolerate the idea of being away from you anymore. I realized I was so distracted around you and even more distracted when you were gone. What am I supposed to do with myself?” He sounded frustrated.
I met his gaze. “You could try being honest with me,” I said.
He gave me a deep, measured look before he nodded to himself. “So, now that you’re better, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said, and I didn’t know if I should be worried for what he was going to say next.
“In the past year, Jill and I occasionally slept together whenever she visited New York. But I never slept with her or any other woman after our first night together at Aurelius. I didn’t think Jill wanted anything from me either since we’d ended things months ago.
But it turns out,” he took a deep breath, “that you were right, and I was wrong.”
I froze.
“Jill wanted us to get back together, to at least have the friends-with-benefits thing going again.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek, feeling a mix of emotions. I wished he weren’t telling me this. It was making me uncomfortable as hell.
“Anyway, when I heard that, I told her that we were done as friends. She was welcome to continue to work with us, but she and I wouldn’t be meeting outside of work again, even as friends. I also told her I had someone special in my life. A girlfriend.”
I met his gaze, my heart thudding. “So you’re finally calling it? Whatever this thing is between us?”
He nodded without hesitation. “I am. I don’t want Jill or anyone else in my life. I only want you. I want to date you, officially. I want you to be my girlfriend, Lexi. To be in a relationship with you.”
My heart squeezed tight in my chest. All the uncertainty, all the fear that I’d been carrying dissolved in an instant. “Yes,” I said, the word coming out breathless and sure at the same time. A smile broke across my face before I could stop it. “Yes, I want that too.”
I took a sip of my coffee just as I realized my hands were suddenly trembling. “You’re the one person in my life who I can depend on when I’m in trouble. I bet a lot of women tell you that, huh?”
He gave my free hand a gentle squeeze before saying, “Not enough actually.”
“I’ll tell it to you then,” I said softly. “I’ll tell it to you all the time. When I’m better. And when you aren’t ignoring me at work.”
He drew in a breath. “You’re unlike every woman I’ve dated in the past,” he said, running a hand gently over my hair, looking guilt-stricken. “You didn’t deserve the way I’d treated you. You deserved so much better. I’m sorry about that, Lexi.
“For years, I’d looked right past the real substance beneath the glossy surfaces of the women I dated. I kept myself detached, distant, and safe. But with you, it’s different. The raw, unfiltered emotions are the very part that hook me.”
I leaned into his hand, pressing my cheek against his palm. “I’ve never been with a man like you, either. You’re the best I’ve ever had.”
“You too, Lexi,” he muttered. “You are too.”
Just as I processed that, tiny feet walked over to us, and Jonah stepped back from me and turned to Evie.
“Shall we whisk the eggs?” he asked while I picked her up and set her on the stool by the kitchen counter.