Chapter 10
HERE’S A QUESTION FOR YOU: How can a fifteen-pound baby excrete what looks like two pounds of poop? The sheer volume of it is breathtaking—pun intended. Is it all just poop? I survey the dirty diaper in awe.
This is a bowel movement I would be proud to call my own.
My next question: Exactly what kind of solid food “tastes” have they been giving this baby?
Linguine with clam sauce? I start to gag and realize I’d better hold my breath.
That means I’m in a race against time: I’ve got to remove the dirty diaper, open the diaper-disposal pail with my foot, drop it in, and clean the baby’s bottom before I can breathe again. Sounds doable, right?
Then—a major glitch. As I reach for a baby wipe, Lily kicks the whole box of environmentally safe wipes to the other side of the room.
I’m still not breathing. I’m starting to feel faint. Now what? My only option is to wipe her fat little butt with the dirty diaper. A pretty feeble plan B.
But wait! I suddenly remember that I have pockets in my uniform and tissues in my pockets! An entire packet! Not perfect, but enough to do a quick cleanse before I pass out.
The plan sorta-kinda works. I start the excavation with the tissues, then retrieve the box of baby wipes from the floor so I can return her tush to pristine condition.
There’s a tube of something gloppy called Tubby Todd Sweet Cheeks Diaper Paste, and I squeeze it onto her little red bottom but severely underestimate the power of my squeeze.
The paste comes rushing out so quickly, you’d swear it was fleeing the cops.
I need two more wipes to clean it all off my hand and the changing table.
I wonder how many trees are going to give their lives for this one little tush.
Once Lily is clean, creamed, and cornstarched, she gurgles a couple of times and starts to suck on her fingers. Wait! Is this really happening? Do I detect the beginning of a smile? I know it’s just the first hour of the first day of this assignment, but I’m feeling ridiculously smug.
Congratulations, I think. You have changed your very first diaper!
I wonder if they make a Hallmark card for that.