Chapter 25. Cait
CAIT
That night, the twins insisted on sleeping in bed with Cait instead of in the bunk room because they were sad about the dead raccoon and worried about Finn.
Cait couldn’t blame them. As she snuggled between their warm bodies to read a story, she remembered being a kid and sneaking into her parents’ bed when she was scared or sick.
It still sometimes amazed her that she was now the one who had the power to make other people, her own children, feel that safe.
In her first therapy session, Dr. Wagner had asked why she’d married Bram if she recognized early on that he wasn’t right for her.
It was a fair question, but when she said it was a good excuse to move to London, he pointed out that she could have done that without getting married, and asked if it might have something to do with her relationship with her father.
Cait rejected that interpretation as too easy, practically boring.
Plus, her father and Bram could not have been more different.
A year out from the divorce, it bothered her that she still didn’t know how to answer Dr. Wagner’s question.
Watching her father mistake James for Topher earlier that evening, though, she’d had a flicker of insight.
It wasn’t her relationship with her father that she’d been trying to repair. It was her relationship with Topher.
Then again, wasn’t that true for all of them?
It wasn’t just her father mistaking James for Topher.
It was her mother, still determined to believe that it was the Larkins’ lawsuit that set Topher on the downward spiral that took his life.
It was Maggie’s inability to accept the sudden breakup with Sarah.
And, of course, it was Alice and her enduring anger toward Cait for leaving right after Topher died.
For years, Cait had resented Alice’s anger in part because she knew that it was warranted. She had defended herself by saying she had no choice but to go to London, but the truth was more complicated. She’d wanted to leave.
During their session last week, Dr. Wagner questioned whether Cait’s plan to see Luke on her visit home might be a way to distract herself from her family.
Again, she’d dismissed the suggestion right away, annoyed by his reluctance to entertain the possibility that Luke was the person she was meant to be with all along.
To admit otherwise, she’d long believed, would mean their brothers’ deaths had been meaningless.
The day after Cait lost her virginity, she sat on Topher’s boat as they pulled up to Luke’s Boston Whaler, anchored near the lighthouse.
It was already noon, but none of their other friends had arrived yet for the boat party, which made her happy.
Their brothers would be hanging around, but hopefully she’d get some time to chat with Luke before everyone else showed up.
Luke’s Whaler was so shiny and new, it made Topher’s beat-up skiff look even worse.
Topher had purchased his boat that spring from a bankrupt local charter out east—and now Cait knew where he’d gotten the money.
The boat had been in need of serious repair.
If Cait had to guess, Topher had maybe taken it out fishing less than half a dozen times that summer because the motor kept breaking down.
Their parents had been so proud of him for buying it with his own money, and as she watched him adjust the fenders to tie up to the Whaler, she remembered with annoyance how he’d basked in their admiration.
Notes from a saxophone tuning carried over the water as a jazz band readied itself on the lighthouse balcony for the Port Haven Lighthouse annual fundraiser.
Cait tugged on her cutoffs as she stood.
She smiled at Luke, but he was distracted by Daniel stealing a cigarette from the pack in his back pocket.
That morning, as she tried to pick out the perfect bikini, she couldn’t stop smiling.
She knew Luke wasn’t going to ask her to be his girlfriend or anything—he was leaving for college tomorrow—but something between them had changed.
How could it not have? It wasn’t just that they’d had sex—though that had made her feel like she was part of the world in an entirely new way—but now she knew what his sheets smelled like and that he listened to “Footloose” when no one was around.
Standing there and waiting for him to acknowledge her, though, it felt like nothing had changed.
She leaned against the boat’s console, pretending to listen to Luke’s story about a baby sand shark Daniel had caught that morning while fishing for stripers and blues.
While he talked, he grabbed three cans of Budweiser from the dirty Styrofoam cooler by his engine and tossed two to Topher, who then handed one to Cait.
“Where’s mine?” Daniel asked.
Daniel was fourteen, Alice’s age, but he was skinny and had a high-pitched voice that made him sound like he hadn’t hit puberty yet. It was just a few years ago that she’d been his camp counselor at the beach club, and she’d nominated him for the “Jokester” award at the end-of-summer dinner.
Luke looked at Daniel over his sunglasses. “Dude, chill. You’ve already had two.” Then he tossed him another one anyway.
As Daniel caught the beer, he stumbled over the tackle box, and Topher and Luke laughed, as if he’d done it on purpose.
Cait wasn’t sure if he was trying to be funny or was really that wasted before noon.
As his former camp counselor, she wanted to tell him to get it together, but another part of her knew that hanging out with guys meant letting go of those kinds of things.
Besides, Daniel was Luke’s brother. Let him deal with it.
Instead, she cracked open her can and took a gulp of the cold beer, enjoying the chill running down her throat. She waited for Luke to at least smile in her direction, but he seemed more interested in arguing with Daniel about why he wasn’t allowed to drive the Whaler.
Luke put his hands on Daniel’s shoulders. “Want to drive the boat?” he said. “Stop crossing the no-wake zones like a dumbass. It’s not that hard.”
Daniel pretended to tremble as though he was terrified, then said, “Whatever,” and took another gulp of his beer.
Finally, Luke turned to Cait. What he said—“Watch it”—confused her until she followed his gaze to a thread from her cutoffs that was caught on a hook. Embarrassed, she tried to untangle it, any sense of coolness she’d been attempting ruined by her clumsy hands, and finally just tore off the thread.
Luke smiled, but she couldn’t tell what that meant. She was desperate for more information. Like a forensic scientist, she analyzed his every move while he tidied the fishing gear and tossed the bait away into the water, the fish all rising to the surface to feed.
The band at the lighthouse started playing, and Luke turned off the Led Zeppelin song on the portable radio attached to the window above the wheel. When Daniel turned it back on, Luke slapped his hand away and turned it off again.
“Everyone’s here to listen to the band,” Luke said.
“Zeppelin! Zeppelin! Zeppelin!” Daniel yelled through cupped hands. Then he performed a sloppy air guitar.
“I vote for the band,” Cait said.
Daniel took a swig of his beer. “Well, chicks don’t get a vote, so.”
“Excuse me?”
Luke punched Daniel on the arm. “Ignore him,” he said. Then he nodded to a hand-painted sign on the dashboard that read, BOYS ONLY CLUB . “It’s from a clubhouse we had when we were younger.”
“Aw, and here I was thinking you were a bunch of New Age, sensitive guys,” Cait said.
Topher was lounging on the boat’s bow, a frayed Grateful Dead hat pulled over his face. Luke did a cannonball into the water to splash him, and Daniel followed after. Their yelps echoed across the bay as they swam toward the lighthouse. Once they reached the rocks, they clambered on top of them.
Topher propped himself up on his elbows to wipe his face and take a sip of beer.
“What’s up with you and Luke?” he asked.
“Why? Did he say something to you?”
Topher slapped the boat railing. “I knew you were into him!”
Cait rolled her eyes. “Is that why you fart when we’re all in the car together and blame it on me?”
Topher laughed.
“Anyway, it’s nothing,” she said, and watched Luke and Daniel skip rocks along the lighthouse peninsula.
Topher shrugged. “If you say so.” He grabbed Luke’s pack of Marlboros off the console and stuck an unlit cigarette between his lips.
Cait waited for him to offer more, and when he didn’t, she added, “I think he’s weirded out that I’m your sister.”
“I don’t care what you guys do.”
“Can you tell him that?”
Topher twirled his Zippo, then lit his cigarette. “I don’t want to get involved,” he said, exhaling rings of smoke. “If he liked you, he wouldn’t care what I think. Sorry.”
“Why are you such an asshole?”
Topher raised his hands. “Just looking out for you, kid!”
Cait yanked the pull tab off her beer and threw it at him, but he just dodged it and laughed.
As Luke and Daniel swam back to the boats, splashing each other along the way, more of their friends arrived.
Cait overheard Luke directing them to raft up alongside Topher’s boat instead of his.
Luke and Daniel had to head out by four to meet up with their mom.
Cait hadn’t realized this. As the afternoon waned, their friends wandered between the line of boats like rooms at a house party, and she felt even more desperate to get a minute alone with Luke before he left.
Eventually she found Topher on his boat, showing off his juggling skills with balls made from nylon rope. She pulled him aside. “Can we leave at four with Luke and Daniel?” she asked. “I want to say goodbye to Luke without everyone around.”
Topher tossed the balls in the air and caught them with one hand. “Why do I have to go?” he asked. “Just hitch a ride with them.”
“But then Daniel will be on the boat with us, and he’s annoying as shit.”