Chapter 30. Alice
ALICE
Alice sat at the foot of Finn’s bed and watched him sleep.
His face was sharpening with puberty, and he was so beautiful she could hardly believe he’d come from her body.
The next week or so would be hard with him at home, but the day had given him a scare, and maybe that was needed.
She hoped he was all right. Not just his body, but his spirit.
She’d been annoyed by her mother’s question in the car earlier, but she was no different.
Of course Alice longed for him to be happy. And for herself to be as well.
On her way to her bedroom, she bumped into Isabel in the hallway.
“Hey,” Isabel whispered. “I was just grabbing my sleep mask from the cottage. The moon’s like a spotlight on all that snow. How’s Finn?”
“He’s hanging in there,” Alice said. “Thanks for asking and for helping with everything today. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that family drama—and I hope everything is okay with you and Maggie?”
Isabel smiled. “It is,” she said.
Alice nodded, relieved. Then she said, “Do you remember what card I picked earlier today? Can you tell me?”
“Sure,” Isabel said. “It was the Chariot.”
“The Chariot?”
“I think it means you’re the one holding the reins. Now you have to look ahead to determine the right road to take. That sort of thing.”
“Hmm,” Alice said.
“Some days the readings speak to me more than others—”
“No,” Alice said. “It does speak to me. It’s helpful, actually.”
Alice returned to her room and found Kyle in bed reading. He rested his book on his chest and watched as she collapsed into the rocking chair, using her toes to rock back and forth.
“How was Finn when you got back?” she asked.
“Still weepy and apologetic, but he went straight to bed.”
Alice nodded.
“But James was awake, and he had some questions about Topher.”
“Did he? Like what?”
Kyle removed his glasses and placed them gently on the nightstand with his book. “He wanted to know what happened.”
Alice stopped rocking. “Did you tell him? I mean everything about Daniel and—”
“Yes, everything.”
“How’d he take it?”
“I kept it all high level, but he was fine.”
Alice knew it was the right thing to do, and eventually, the boys would have to learn the truth, but she’d always imagined being the one to tell them.
She leaned back in the chair, again rocking gently on the tips of her toes. She was still surprised by the conversation with her mother in the car—not only learning about the miscarriage but Nora’s unexpected offering of support. See , she wanted to say to Kyle, even she gets it!
“I’m going to Dr. Chen’s on Monday,” she said instead.
Kyle lowered his gaze and folded his hands in his lap.
“I know you’ll need time,” she said. “I can give that to you.”
But would it be enough? Would he ever be able to forgive her—and, if not, would she ever be able to forgive him?
She stood and walked to the bed, sitting next to him.
“Will you be sick?” he asked, looking up at her. “I mean, will it hurt?”
Alice didn’t know. She was afraid of what was to come, but she didn’t want to worry Kyle or give him more ammunition to make his case. “It’s early,” she said, “so I’ll probably take medication. I’m hoping I don’t need a procedure.”
“Will you share this in confession?”
“Yes,” she said. She wasn’t sure if she’d said this just to comfort him, but even if she had, she decided it was the least she could do.
Earlier that day, the thought of keeping the pregnancy from Kyle—from everyone, really, including her sisters—had seemed like a viable option. She could go to Dr. Chen’s alone. Why did she owe this part of herself to anyone? But burying even more secrets felt ludicrous now.
“I’ll go to confession,” she continued. “And I’ll ask for God’s forgiveness. But I can’t spend the rest of our lives together begging for your forgiveness. I can’t carry that burden on top of everything else.”
He reached for her, but she didn’t move toward him.
“And the last thing I need from you is more distance,” she said. “I need more of you—not less.” He looked up at her, confused. “You don’t even kiss me anymore.”
He dropped his eyes again. She had no idea what he was thinking. Was he angry at her? How dare she say these things to him considering the pain her decision was causing?
Finally, he looked up again. “I’ll go with you on Monday,” he said. “I don’t want you to go alone.”
She lowered herself onto the bed next to him.
After a moment, he pressed his lips to the top of her head. “Maybe we’ve drifted,” he said, “but that’s not what I want either.”
She reached under his shirt and rested her hand on his chest, playing with the silver cross that hung from his neck, something she hadn’t done in a long time. His heart beat calm and steady against her palm, and she wept.