Chapter 23
Nessa stumbled into the kitchen on legs she could not feel. Her entire body was numb, and her stomach roiled and churned with such viciousness that it was all she could do to keep herself from being sick.
She fell into the counter, and with a shaking hand somehow pulled a stool across so she could fall onto it. Even then, seated and somewhat steady, the room around her turned, the ceiling dropped as the floor rose, and her world felt as if it might end at any moment.
“Nessa!” Morag swept into the kitchen, her face ashen white when she saw the state of Nessa. “What happened? Were you hurt?”
Nessa stared blankly ahead.
“Speak to me!” Morag thrust her hands in Nessa’s face and forced her blank eyes to focus on her. “I saw the confrontation, Nessa. Did something happen to you? Please, say something!”
“He knows …” The words came out in a whisper. “Morag, he knows.”
“Who knows? Knows what?”
“Lord Crispin.” Her face paled, and she tasted acid in her mouth as her stomach continued to rise in her belly and toward her throat. “He knows who I am … he knows everything.”
Morag gasped. “What? How do you –”
“He told me,” she spoke over Morag. “Just now, he …” She grimaced and swallowed the bile in her mouth. “After Mr. Loxley pulled Lord Thornwyck away, I … I am a fool. I told Lord Crispin that he was not welcome here and that it would be a good idea if he left.”
“You did?” Morag chuckled just a little. “Very brave.”
“Stupid,” she said. “He looked me in the eyes, and he told me that he knows who I am – he mentioned my father’s name, Morag. He knows who I am!”
It came on her then. The sickness. It rose in her belly, surged up her throat, and before Nessa could say anything else, she bent over and spewed her insides over the kitchen floor as if they were the lies and secrets that she had worked so hard to keep hidden.
“There, there …” Morag patted her on the back lovingly. “What a mess. I will send for someone to clean it, Nessa. Do not worry …”
“Of course I am worried!” Nessa pulled herself up and looked desperately at her friend. “If he knows my secret, Morag, what is to stop him from telling somebody? What is to stop him from … Oh God!” She held her stomach as if to keep herself from being sick a second time.
Did it even matter if Lord Crispin knew?
Her mind cast back to less than ten minutes earlier when she was with Lord Thornwyck.
He had accused her of keeping secrets from him, the implication being that he knew her truth.
And Nessa, done with the lies, hating that she had betrayed the one man she cared about, had very nearly confessed everything.
“I would not worry about Lord Crispin,” Morag said as she stroked Nessa’s back. “He is upset, true, but you are surely not his concern for now. Likely, he was just telling you what he knows to keep you away from him. I doubt he has any desire to reveal it himself.”
“And if he does?” Nessa pulled herself back up and wiped her lips.
“Who would believe him?” Morag pointed out. “He is a suspected murderer, and the last person anyone would listen to. Trust me on this, Nessa, leave it be.”
Morag spoke sense, and Nessa could not deny that.
She was just so darn tired. So many lies …
so many secrets … she had wondered for so long why she struggled to feel as if she belonged in this place, and now she understood that the reason was that she made it so.
How could she ever feel at peace when a constant battle raged within?
How could she ever find her home if she lied to the people who might make this place one where she belonged?
Nessa left Morag soon after promising to return to her room and lie down until her stomach settled. Another lie.
Instead, Nessa searched for Lord Crispin. She needed to find out not just how much he knew, but what he planned on doing about it. This was her secret to tell, and if he meant to reveal it, then she would do it first.
Such an act might not free her of her lies completely, but it was a start.
Although Nessa could not say exactly how she knew where to find Lord Crispin, somehow her feet led the way. She walked without a clear head, her conscience a storm within, and then she stopped when she found herself outside Lady Thornwyck’s writing room.
The door was half open; light shone from inside, and Nessa knew she had come to the right place.
With a deep breath, trying to find the confidence she would need to see her through this, Nessa pushed the door open and walked inside.
Lord Crispin was by the floor-to-ceiling window, and he had it all the way open so that the cool wind whipped inside and blew back his hair. He stared across the estate, and Nessa could not begin to imagine what was on his mind.
At the sound of her entering the room, he turned, saw her, and nodded once as if he had expected to see her.
“Ah, Lady Byrne. A pleasure to see you again.”
“Do not call me that.” She stormed across the room. “My name is Nessa Kavanagh.”
“Or so you tell yourself,” he said. There was no anger in his eyes, no sense at all that he meant her harm. In fact, he looked tired, as if he was desperate to see this day behind him. “But we both know who you are. Why waste breath with lies?”
She stopped halfway inside the room. “What do you want?”
“Who says that I want anything?”
“You … you must do,” she stammered. “Why else tell me what you know? Why threaten me with it?”
“Did I threaten you?” he said to her with a shrug.
“Or did I simply reveal a secret that you have worked so hard to keep hidden. I suppose I can see how you might mischaracterize that as a threat. For a secret such as that …” He clicked his tongue.
“I cannot begin to imagine what might become of you if it were told.”
“It is my secret to tell,” Nessa attempted with as much bravery as she could muster. “And I will tell it.”
He tilted his head and looked at her with a hint of amusement. “Is that why you are here? To ask me to keep my lips sealed?”
“Please,” she said. “I … I did not lie. And I never meant to … it was not my intent to keep these secrets. Truly, I did not know who I was until only a short while ago. And even then …” She looked pleadingly at him. “I did not ask for this, Lord Crispin.
“No doubt.” He turned from the window and started slowly toward her. “And I believe you. That you had no knowledge of who you were before you came here.”
“You do?” She blinked in surprise.
“How do you think I found out? A secret such as that one …” He clicked his tongue and shook his head. “It was well guarded. Go on.” He stopped when he was just two feet away from her. “Ask me how.”
“How did you come to find out?”
“Aisling, of course …” When he said her name, Nessa saw a change take over Lord Crispin.
There was a glimmer in his eyes, and a smile on his lips that could have only one meaning.
“She knew that she had a half-sister, as she knew that her father had married again in Ireland. She did not know who his new wife was, of course, as her father never told her. Well, not at first.”
“She knew about me …” Nessa whispered, her throat suddenly tight.
“She wrote her father many letters, and he wrote just one in return. Aisling showed me this letter, but it was only after you arrived here, and after I …” He exhaled. “It took me a while to put the pieces together, of course. But I did, eventually.”
Nessa grimaced, feeling a fool.
“We all have secrets, Miss Kavanagh. I, more than anyone.” He looked down at her, the smile gone, stoic and serious. “And as you ought to know better than most, secrets kept are those that bring harm. We might not mean them to do so, but it is inevitable.”
“I never wanted to hurt anyone,” Nessa said quietly.
“Nor did I,” Lord Crispin added. “But it is because you know better than most the insidious nature of secrets that you are going to help expose mine, and in so doing, clear my name so that even Alaric cannot deny the truth.”
“What?” Nessa leaned back. “What do you want –”
“I have seen how close you and Alaric are,” he cut over her. “We all have. Now, I might tell him the truth of things; I might even provide undeniable evidence. But Alaric is a broken man. He wants vengeance. And I fear that regardless of what he is told, he will not believe me.”
She shook her head. “I will not do your dirty work for you, Lord Crispin. And even if I did, I doubt that Lord Thornwyck will believe anything I have to say.”
“That is where you are wrong.” He took her arm suddenly, and his grip was like a vice. “He cares for you, Miss Kavanagh. I see it, because I know how it feels to trust someone … to love them unconditionally.”
“Lord Crispin …” Nessa tried to pull her arm free. “Let me go.”
“You will help me in this,” he continued, his grip still tight. “Lest I reveal your secret myself.” He almost looked sad at his words, as if he did not want this but had come to his wits’ end. “I have no choice. You must understand this.”
“But you said you did not want anything from me.”
“I lied,” he said, still with sadness. “Something else that you and I have in common. Now, please tell me that you will help me. I did not murder Aisling, and I need you to believe it.”
“Let me go!” Nessa tried to wrench her arm free, but his grip dug in so that she felt his nails in her skin. “Please.”
“I need this, Miss Kavanagh. I do not want to threaten you … I just want this done.”
“I said let me go!” she cried out desperately.
“Not until – argh!” Lord Crispin’s hand unwrapped from her arm as a large shape came from nowhere and crashed into his side.
“Muirne!” Nessa cried as the faithful dog fell atop Lord Crispin and began to attack his arm with vicious growls and vengeful snarls.
“Get … her … off …” Lord Crispin exclaimed, crying out as he tried desperately to push the dog off his arm; she had it in her teeth and was biting down hard.
“Muirne!” Nessa hurried to the dog and wrapped her arms around its body. “Please, let him go!”
“Off … me …”
“Please!” With a final pull, Nessa tore Muirne free from Lord Crispin and stumbled back. But she kept the dog in her arms, and it growled and snapped at Lord Crispin in warning.
“Stupid … mutt!” He clambered to his feet, his arm dripping in blood. “You have made a grave mistake, girl. A grave one!”
“I have been making a lot of those lately.”
“What is going on here!” The cry ripped from the doorway. “Crispin?”
Nessa gasped and turned just in time to see Lady Verity sweep into the room. She made straight for Crispin, her arms outstretched as if to pull him into a tight hug.
“Get off!” Lord Crispin pushed Lady Verity away, snarling again at Nessa as he stormed from the room.
“Oh …” Lady Verity winced as if she had been struck. Only then did she notice Nessa, who stood stupidly with Muirne in her arms. Lady Verity stood up, her expression unhinged and vile. “What was going on here?”
“I …” Nessa had no idea what to say. “It is not as it looks.”
“As it looks …” Lady Verity looked toward the door, then back at Nessa. “Then tell me, girl, what does it look like, exactly?”
“I … it …” Nessa had no idea what to say.
“You!” Lady Verity pointed a finger at her. “Since the moment you arrived … everything … why must you have everyone! Is there no end to your wickedness!”
“I do not …” Nessa blinked. “That is not what I –”
“What is it about you that draws them?” Lady Verity screamed as if she meant to tear the sky in two. “What must I do so that they look at me as they do you? You and that whore!”
Nessa was dumbstruck. Truly, she had no idea what was going on. Lady Verity was losing her mind, crying out in a storm of chaos as if she did not even realize that Nessa was there.
“I loved him. I loved him!” she snarled. “But did he care? Did he even consider me? No, he wanted her! And the more she pushed him back, the more he yearned! I –” She grabbed her hair as if she meant to tear it out. “I gave him everything! And then you came along!”
Nessa shook her head. “It is not what you think, Lady Verity. Lord Crispin and I –”
“Do not utter his name!” Tears started to stream down her face. “That name is for my lips! Mine! Do you hear me!”
“I do,” Nessa squeaked. She clutched Muirne to her chest, and the dog growled in warning at Lady Verity’s crazed antics.
“I just cannot … I do not know …” Lady Verity spun about with haphazard abandon …
and then her eyes fell on the open window.
“She has been dead for two years, and still, he thinks nothing of me.” She stumbled to the window.
“And then you come along, and within days! What is it about you that they love so much?” She reached the window and grabbed hold of the sill with both hands as she leaned over the edge.
Below was a two-story drop, and Lady Verity looked upon it as if the fall beckoned her …
“No!” Nessa dropped Muirne and reached out an arm. “Lady Verity, please, whatever you think has happened, I promise that it is not as it sounds.”
Lady Verity leaned further over the window, half her body hanging suspended above the edge; the wind harried her, whipped her hair, and tugged her dress. “All I wanted was for him to love me. I never asked for anything, only that he love me back.”
“Lord Crispin does not feel that for me.” Nessa took a steady step toward her. And then another. “We were speaking of something else – nothing to do with the two of us. I promise you.”
“Promises from lying lips are not to be believed.”
“Please, Lady Verity, step away from the window.”
“What is the point? I … I am finished. I have given so much, and this is where it ends …” She leaned further out the window, and the wind lashed her face, tugged her dress, and seemed to beckon for her to fall.
“Think of your brother,” Nessa attempted. “What will he say if you do this? He is broken already, Lady Verity, and if you jump, he might never recover. Please!” she pleaded. “For Lord Thornwyck, he does not deserve this.”
“My brother …” She said the words as if she had never heard them before. But as she did, Nessa saw Lady Verity slowly pull herself back as if the crazed lady was only just starting to come back into herself. “I … he is a good man, better than most know.”
“He loves you,” Nessa continued as she took another step closer, one hand stretching out, ready to snatch Lady Verity by the shoulders. “And this would kill him.”
Lady Verity laughed and shook her head. “I suppose you’re right. Look at me, being so dramatic. That is love, is it not?” She looked over her shoulder and actually smiled. “The things we do for – woah!”
Nessa’s eyes widened. Her scream caught in her throat. She stood perfectly still, frozen in time, as Lady Verity lost her footing and tumbled from the open window before falling into the open abyss.