Chapter 10 #2
Iris couldn’t tell if VIFAI was being sarcastic, but by that point, he was already walking back towards the communal area with his duffel bag in hand.
Already moving on towards the next action, never stopping even for a moment to consider the implications of what was happening around him and inside him.
Yan’s pragmatism had rubbed off on him in just a few short days and a surge of anger roiled through Iris’s stomach at the idea.
He had been among laypersons too long. Meanwhile, he had been away from himself for too long, lost in the frequency and nuance of interpersonal interaction.
He had neglected his practice, and his mental state was suffering or it.
When he stomped past of the threshold of the communal room, five pairs of eyes shot up and stared at him.
He was a sight to behold. Bloodied and tattered robes drenched with perspiration, eyes glowing with exhaustion and adrenaline.
A long gash ran along his left temple. Jesi opened her mouth to say something, but Yan motioned for her to be quiet.
He approached Iris slowly, hand half extended, just enough to show he meant no harm.
“Vessel,” he said softly, “you look like you should take a breather.”
At his tone, Iris forcefully straightened his back and set his jaw, shamefully admitting that it was both a very prideful and confrontational gesture.
“I assure you, engineer Yan, that I am fine. Better than fine.” VIFAI flung up Iris’s body metrics, including his heart rate and his blood pressure, half to show off that it could and half to make a point that the engineer was, unfortunately, very much correct.
Yan took another step closer and then another.
Before he could take the last step that would place him within a metre of Iris, Iris’s hand shot up on instinct, pulsar blade releasing in a single smooth motion.
Blue, glowing blades extended to their full length on either sides, and Yan stumbled backwards.
You’re doing fantastic.
Jesi and Tev flinched in unison, and Ishtan reached for his new possession—Ordan’s pistol. Eli simply gave Iris a disapproving glare. Just as quickly as the blade had extended, Iris deactivated it and returned it to its holster.
Collecting himself from the edge of what would surely be a loud and detailed outburst, Yan said, “Take a breather.” It was a gentle order, but an order nonetheless, leaving nothing up to Iris’s interpretation.
It was a you need to sit out for an hour before you do something stupid and kill everyone here order, and Iris couldn’t argue with him.
“Maybe you’re right.” It was all Iris could manage, before he turned away and went to Riyu’s body.
He sunk to his knees and dropped his forehead to the ground in prayer.
He didn’t bother slowing his fall, and his knees hit the floor with full force, sending a jolt of pain echoing through his femurs.
Jesi and Tev muttered behind him, but he quickly tuned their voices out, focusing only on the blankness of his own mind.
He had been neglectful. He had been rash and unpredictable.
After nearly two decades at the temple, it was disappointing to falter under such circumstances. And yet.
For all his efforts, Iris’s mind raced afire with the thousands of possibilities, each ending in his death.
His, Jesi’s, Tev’s, Ishtan’s, Eli’s, and Yan’s.
Death was all around them now. Death was always watching, and it was inevitable.
Iris forced a deep inhale. Sticky air filled his lungs.
His left shoulder answered with a deep ache.
An ache was just an ache.
An ache was neutral.
Iris focused on the pull of muscle against the sealant. Slowly, his shoulders relaxed, and he transitioned into sitting cross-legged. He breathed in again, deeper this time, the ache growing proportionally.
Like a lighthouse, the throbbing pain guided his mind towards a trained calm. He sensed the hard, metallic floor beneath his thighs, the individual beads of sweat gliding down his spine, the mala that he habitually unwound from his wrist and passed between his fingers.
When he opened his eyes again, Riyu was still there, golden skin ashen, and still very much dead.
But now that the veil of fear had lifted, Iris observed her body with detached curiosity.
Already the ecosystem had begun to welcome her back.
The fungi worked fast—a thin layer of mycelium was quickly growing across Riyu’s hands.
There was nothing different to it than the decomposition of a fruit.
There was nothing especially different about the human body.
It too would be reclaimed by the ecosystem; it too had already served its need.
Perhaps, in this last translation, it fulfilled some final role.
The same vines that had ended Riyu’s life so prematurely would be sustained by the nutrients in her body.
The same fungi that Riyu was studying would be connecting her to the internal network that spanned the forests within the Nicaea.
Everything became something else. Nothing was inherently bad.
Nothing possessed malicious intent for malice’s sake.
It all simply strived to survive, to fend off trespassers, to satisfy its curiosity.
Competing systems, all of it, nothing more.
With a barely audible chime, VIFAI pulled up Iris’s updated biometrics.
Heart rate slowing, blood pressure returning to baseline.
He was doing better. Nowhere near how good he was doing before he ever set foot on the ship, but good enough, given the circumstances.
He let his eyes and mind wander aimlessly across Riyu’s form, accepting the tiny jolts of panic that came and went.
His mind drifted towards the others, the fear they exuded.
He had done poorly as a Vessel; he had done very little to comfort and to protect.
Even Yan had done more, and he was arguably the least equipped out of any of them.
Automatically, Iris reached into the sleeve of his robes and found the cigarette there—and everything went to shit.
The throbbing in his left shoulder was no longer a calming metronome, but a burning reminder of all his failings and transgressions.
Failing to complete the very task he was assigned to.
That particular reminder still lay in a monstrous pile in the cargo bay, and no matter what beautiful words he said over it, it would remain a mountain of human bones that he had failed to organise.
He had failed as a Vessel, as a guide, as a comfort.
He had failed as a friend to Riyu. VIFAI flagged his climbing heart rate and blood pressure, but that was hardly needed.
A fraud. A fraud in white cloth he sullied simply by wearing it.
A charlatan. Those were Yan’s exact words on the first day, weren’t they?
Don’t fight it, VIFAI finally said, sternly. Have the thought. Acknowledge it. Accept it for what it is, and move on. Don’t engage. Don’t wrestle it. You won’t win.
Iris gave nothing but a slight hiss as a response.
What thought? There were too many to wrestle.
First, he had failed at his assignment. He had anticipated spending this time alone, as a retreat, but that had changed.
But he had had no other choice. He had needed to modify his assignment, expand it to allow for these new events.
He couldn’t have anticipated the academics being here.
He couldn’t make them leave. He had had to adjust. It was the only thing he could truly control: his own approach to the problem.
The next thought came without warning. He had failed as a guide and as a comfort.
Iris winced at the shame radiating through his fingertips.
He had, there was no denying that, but he couldn’t undo it now.
He couldn’t alter the flow of time, no matter how much he wished for it.
He could only do better with every passing hour.
He couldn’t revive Ordan or Riyu, and wishing for it to be otherwise would only bring him more grief.
He needed to let go and help others do the same.
Have the thought. Allow for it. Accept it for what it is, and move on.
Another thought. This one was not entirely unpleasant, and yet, it was the most dangerous of them all.
This kind of thought distracted and clouded the mind, and in their precarious position, it could cost Iris his life.
This thought he quickly quashed. There were places Iris wouldn’t go even in the comforts of his mind, some thoughts he wouldn’t allow himself, even if VIFAI already knew them.
At least it was kind enough to keep them to itself.
After all their years together, it knew when to back off and when to press, and Iris was too fragile already to withstand any sort of pressing.
In the past, he had done everything right.
He had recited the right mantras one hundred thousand times and prostrated himself one hundred thousand times before both the rising and setting suns.
He had visualised the vastness of the cosmos one hundred thousand times until there was nothing but stardust behind his eyelids.
Iris had done all this and then done it twice again.
Yet, where these preparations transformed others’ minds into fertile soil for the seeds of enlightenment to be planted, his remained barren.
Barren and charred as the ground of his home.
No meditation could sprout roots, no deeper consciousness could be awakened.
When Iris closed his eyes, he saw no great threads of the Light entangled within every living thing. Only cold darkness. For years, he had smiled and bowed and tended to his meditation every day, and kept the terrible secret buried so deep that even VIFAI would sometimes forget.
A charlatan. Yan had been right all along.