Chapter Nine
‘Welcome,’ says Rose, now that the introductions have been made. She walks to a chair and sits down.
Nobody speaks.
‘Collect your thoughts for a moment,’ she says, to calm the nervous ones.
‘The plan for the week is for each one of you to tell your story and then, as a group, we look at how to move on from the past, how to solve problems. Not every story will resonate with each of you but that doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of the lessons from that story. ’
Her seat is almost a throne: a curved wooden chair with a footstool, deep with blue and white cushions and in the very coolest spot on the terrace, hidden from the sun and with the sea at her back.
The merest hint of a sea breeze floats up every now and then and Rose can feel it.
Keera and India have moved their chairs so they’re sitting beside each other, each with fresh notebooks and pens ready.
She watches Dan, who is sitting between the rest of the group and the two younger women.
He’s already sunk his coffee and has an old A4 lined pad in front of him with a selection of random pencils.
He’s left-handed, and his wrist is curved around a pencil now, possibly dating the page like any good scientist.
She looks across to Grazia and Sir Bernard, who have made a little area for themselves away from the big olive-wood table. Grazia has put a very expensive handbag on the small side table.
A Lady Dior, tan leather, lots of glittering gold bits dangling off it. Adorable. Perfect for Greece in the summer for the millionaire class. Screams ‘Money!’
Rose prefers the hand-quilted and embroidered little bags sold in the hotel’s lobby shop, made by Christos’ yaya and her friends in a riot of hand-dyed colours: amber, turquoise, indigo, fern green, blossom pink.
‘I want everyone to close their eyes and think about their breath for a moment. Breathing’s very important and it’s amazing how many of us breathe shallowly, especially if we have some trauma in our life.’
Nobody looks convinced.
‘We’ll be doing this simple breathing technique every day. Hold the breath for a count of four, then breathe out through your mouth for a count of six. Let’s do that again. Slowly, purposefully, feeling the breath fill your lungs.’
Rose leads the group in ten minutes of breathing, then, when they’re suitably off-guard, she pounces.
‘Now, Dan,’ says Rose, ‘tell us about yourself.’
There’s a startled silence. Everyone was getting into the breathing, and now this?
‘Dan, why are you here? What’s the trouble that’s brought you to this crossroads in your life? Because, trust me, people only ever attempt such desperate measures when there is big trouble.’
She smiles at Dan who has a bunny-in-headlights look on his handsome face.
He has decent shoulders, Rose notices: good looking in a smouldering Byronic hero sort of way. Not a clue that he’s good looking either, which is nice. Nobody probably told him when he was younger.
‘It’s hard to be the first,’ Rose says cosily, ‘but could you start?’
Dan’s shoulders come down and he raises his chin.
There is silence.
Will he bottle it or ask if someone else can go first?
Keera looks at the ground; India stares into space. Sir Bernard looks like he hates silence and is bouncing with energy to fill it, when Dan suddenly speaks.
‘I’m not really sure why I’m here,’ he repeats.
Rose fixes him with a stern look. Really?
Her stern looks can stop traffic and Dan instantly wavers under her gaze.
‘I mean, I do and I don’t know,’ he self-corrects.
He has a soft deep voice with no trace of an accent anywhere but crisp vowel sounds.
‘The problem’s not actually me – it’s my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. We’ve been together for many years but we’re on a break. She … she tried to kill herself.’
As he speaks, there is a collective inhalation of breath.
Rose, on the other hand, breathes out.
Dan has taken the first step.
Every eye is locked on Dan now but he’s looking at Rose.
You’re sorry you’re here but you’ll continue, she thinks.
Unless they walk out, the guests have no other option than to talk.
‘This is very personal stuff, I’ve never told other people before …’ Dan says, his body language saying he’s wracked with discomfort.
‘What happens in group, stays in group, Dan,’ Rose says. ‘Nobody’s going to be broadcasting what you’re saying. Everyone who’s here has signed agreements to that effect. This is a safe space to share your pain.’
He nods. Appears to be trying to prepare himself for a great ordeal.
‘It’s the second time she’s tried to kill herself.
Julia …’ He pauses. ‘That’s her name … The first time probably was a mistake,’ he explains, ‘although her cousin says we can’t know that.
Then, Julia was partying heavily and there were drugs around …
’ He gives a little weary smile but nobody’s smiling back.
‘But this last time was serious. My sister wanted me to come here,’ Dan goes on. ‘I didn’t want to come. I’ve done everything for Julia. Everything. Why am I here?’
Nobody says a thing.
‘Attempted suicide is incredibly traumatic not just for the person involved but for the people close to them. It’s life-changing. Realising that someone you love thinks suicide is an option makes a person question everything about their relationship,’ says Rose.
She needs to go slowly.
‘Let’s take a step back from Julia’s actions for a moment, Dan. We’re here for you. You’ve said you do everything for Julia. Tell us what you do for her?’ she asks him.
Dan shrugs as if he does so much, it’s impossible to explain.
‘Everything,’ he repeats. ‘She relies on me. Used to say she couldn’t live without me, but we’re not together any more …’
Nobody says anything and Dan looks off into the distance.
‘She wanted a break, you see,’ he continues. ‘But I love her. I’m the person who picks up all the pieces. That’s what you do when you love someone, isn’t it?’
Rose nods.
‘Can you tell me about this suicide attempt?’
She looks at Dan with huge sympathy and, this time, he stares straight at her.
‘Why do I have to go first?’ he asks mulishly, as if this thought has just occurred to him.
‘Because I asked you,’ says Rose gently, deciding that honey does get more results than vinegar. ‘I know that as a scientist, you’re used to presenting to an audience.’
Dan says nothing.
The silence on the terrace is broken by the singing of birds and the sound of cicadas sawing their tiny legs together.
Rose keeps her smile and continues: ‘You’re all here for a reason, and hiding from it is totally understandable, particularly when it’s as painful as your story, Dan.
But you’ve made it all the way here. If you give yourself to this programme, who knows what you’ll get from it.
Dan, you say you don’t think that you need to be here. Why is that?’ she asks.
‘Because it’s not my fault!’ he replies.
Rose leans forward, nodding. ‘Go on,’ she urges.
She can see the battle rage across Dan’s face. Then he gives in.
‘I don’t know why Julia tried to commit suicide, I really don’t. Julia said it was a mistake, she felt very sad and alone and she acted impulsively. She’d been at a festival the night before, she was feeling low …’
He pauses.
Rose needs to keep him talking.
‘Go on,’ she urges gently.
‘My sister, Vicky, says Julia’s manipulating me.’
There are gasps on the terrace.
‘Which is a horrible thing to say,’ Dan says quickly. ‘It’s almost as if she doesn’t understand Julia. I mean, who says something like that? But we’re here for this, aren’t we? The not-being-polite thing. The telling-it-like-it-is.’
He’s no longer adopting the stiff, I-don’t-want-to-be-here vibe and looks at Rose for confirmation that this rather sad speech is acceptable.
Rose nods her non-committal therapist’s nod and says: ‘I think it’s impossible to say what another person really means when they try to take their own life, and to call it manipulative shows a lack of empathy—’
‘I know,’ Dan interrupts. ‘I’m on Julia’s side. Vicky doesn’t understand Julia like I do. She’s wonderful but complex—’
He stops speaking as if he’s revealed too much and stares down at his long-fingered hands.
Pianist’s fingers, Rose thinks.
‘Keep going,’ she urges. ‘Julia’s very complex—’
He nods.
‘I hate talking like this about her: it sounds so one-sided. You’re not going to see how amazing she is. It’s like you’ll only see that one dimension, that Julia tried to take her own life.’
Dan has self-corrected, Rose realises.
Julia no longer tried to kill herself. She tried to take her own life.
He’s worried about saying the wrong thing.
‘I can tell you that the first time was totally a mistake, not a suicide attempt at all. She was partying and she was with people who were drinking a lot of hard alcohol and had to have her stomach pumped. She was in hospital for a week. It was terrible. Then the last time was four months ago.’
Now his face is twisted with guilt.
‘Julia …’ He pauses as if saying her name makes him wince with remembered pain.
‘… cut her wrists. She’d had a weekend with friends and there were definitely some drugs knocking around, which would absolutely affect her, bring her mood down.
But no matter how much I know about brain chemistry, it’s still shocking to have someone you love do this.
I can’t bear to think that she was so sad, so alone, and I still don’t know if it was a mistake or if … ’ He pauses again. ‘If she meant it.’
Rose is nodding, silently urging him on.
‘She’s actually doing quite well now. She didn’t cut deep enough on either side so she didn’t need surgery to repair her wrists. Her psychiatrist said something about “parasuicide” which made it sound not as bad but it was absolutely terrifying. I thought I’d lost her.’
The terrace is silent.
‘We’d talked about moving in together and that’s off now. Julia says we need time apart, which is heartbreaking. So we’re not together, which is not my idea. Then my sister said I should come here and Julia got angry when I told her about this retreat.’
He sounds bewildered and hurt, Rose thinks.
‘Why do you think that is?’ she asks.
Dan blinks long eyelashes.
‘She says I don’t need to process my feelings – she does, and what do I know …? She’s angry with me and that’s …’ He actually winces now. ‘… incredibly painful. I hate hurting her because I love her so much,’ he adds dismally.
‘OK,’ says Rose slowly. ‘Let’s unpack this. Your sister told you to get help by coming here?’
Dan nods.
‘You don’t really understand why.’
Again, Dan nods. ‘Vicky made me book this shortly after Julia got out of the psychiatric hospital. She lives with her cousin, Miriam. They’re very close.
Julia point blank refused to spend longer in the hospital than the mandatory period.
Miriam was going to be away, so I suggested that she move in with me and she said no because her psychiatrist advised against it. ’
Rose wonders why the psychiatrist advised this but that’s for another day.
Let him get the bones of the story out so he can think about it. Telling your truth to other people is more than the sum of its parts.
‘The thing is, I’m terrified my sister is right.’
He finally looks up and, now, he no longer has his calm, disinterested mask on. Now he’s maskless and honest.
‘I’m terrified that it is my fault, you see. That I drove her to it. But I don’t know why. I wish I did. I want to fix whatever it is that I’m doing wrong so Julia’s happy.’
The group inhales en masse and Dan stares pleadingly at Rose.
I want you to tell me I didn’t drive her to it, those eyes say.
That’s not how therapy works, Rose thinks.