Chapter 14 #2
She glanced at Billie, whose gaze had also followed Tad as he’d left the table.
It was clear to Amy that her boss hadn’t been stirring things when she’d said Tad preferred women with short hair; she’d been giving Amy a fact.
Often Billie’s actions came with ulterior motives woven in, but not this time.
Had she genuinely been looking out for Amy, in her own way?
Amy did her best to unpeel her lips from the tight smile she’d fixed her face into, and sighed, switching her attention back to Hugh, and his watery gaze, which now rested on her.
‘Plenty more fish in the sea?’ he said, quietly.
Somehow, his corroboration of what Amy was thinking – that Tad was off limits – made Amy want to cry. She certainly didn’t have any appetite for food.
‘I suppose,’ she said. Then she pushed back her chair. ‘I think I might head back to the hotel. I’m not hungry after all.’
‘Take care, Amy,’ Hugh said, making no move to try to stop her.
As she walked away, she felt sure she heard Hugh say, ‘damn’, but when she glanced back, he was lost behind the form of the waiter who had arrived to take their orders.
* * *
Tad and Clare settled on a bench, facing out across the lake. Lights glittered in reflected patterns on the water and although sunset was a while off, the light had already taken on a different texture.
Clare had done her best to sniff away her tears, but the corners of her eyes still held traces of them.
Tad knew the signs – they’d shared enough of them over the years – although he didn’t understand why she was crying.
She should be feeling happy, if she’d found someone new – someone to love like she’d loved her late husband, Grant.
‘Tell me what’s upsetting you, Clare. Please.’
When she didn’t immediately answer, Tad settled himself against the unyielding metal struts of the bench and waited.
She would speak, when she was sure about what she wanted to say.
Clare was measured, careful. Independent.
It had taken a suicide attempt to allow her to understand how much she needed the help her friends had been trying to offer her.
The help Tad had offered – the help that would always be ongoing.
The support he would happily give her forever, without question.
‘I don’t want you to think I’m being disloyal to Grant. Or Lucy.’ At the mention of her tiny daughter, also lost in the car crash that had claimed Grant’s life, Clare’s voice cracked. ‘I don’t want them to feel like I’m leaving them behind, either. Do you know what I mean?’
She swung to face him, emotion fighting again to take control of her features.
Clare had settled her grief on the idea that Grant and Lucy were not completely gone, instead they were in a nearby room – a room she wouldn’t be able to access until she too passed.
She’d often referred to it as though Grant and Lucy were watching over her, were able to see her, even though she couldn’t see them.
It wasn’t a million miles away from how Tad was dealing with his own loss – although for him, Honor resided in his heart and always would.
‘I know exactly what you mean, Clare. But Grant wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone, would he? You know that.’
‘No. I know that. I do. It’s just… I’m very happy, and I want to move my life forwards. But I feel such guilt about it.’
Tad nodded. ‘I get it. You have no reason to feel guilty – but I understand why you do. What’s his name?’
‘James. James Gardner.’
‘Well, Clare Jenkins, James Gardner is an extremely lucky man. And he must be an extremely special man, too, to have been chosen by you.’
Clare didn’t answer, instead she turned away and he could see her lips quivering as she fought against tears. She shook her head. ‘You don’t understand.’
‘Understand what?’ Tad took her hand.
‘There’s more.’
‘Clare, what is it?’
‘I’m pregnant. He doesn’t know yet.’
Her words took Tad’s breath away. He struggled for a moment to know what to say to her, wondering how to navigate this most sensitive of information.
‘How do you feel about it?’ he said.
Clare shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Happy, elated, excited…
Frightened… Devastated that this baby will never get to meet Lucy.
Worried about how it will affect things with James.
It’s not as though we’ve even talked about having kids, getting married, none of that stuff.
I’m scared it will push him away, when I’ve only just found him.
’ She paused, concentrating on her breathing.
Tad pushed out a long breath.
‘I know. It’s a lot,’ she said.
‘What makes you think James won’t be happy about it?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. He’s so focused on his work, our time together is so precious, and I worry he might resent it being invaded by a child.’
Tad couldn’t help the rise in his eyebrows.
This was the kind of man Clare had chosen?
After everything Tad had learnt about Grant, about the kind of man he had been – especially around their daughter, Lucy – it seemed inconceivable that Clare had now given her heart to someone who didn’t have her at the forefront of his.
‘Do you really believe that?’ he said.
‘I’m so all over the place, I don’t know what I think,’ she said.
‘How far along are you?’ he asked, prompting a vehement response.
‘I’m having this baby, no matter what.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. I just wondered.’
She swivelled to face him. ‘This is between you and me, Tad – you won’t tell anyone, will you?’
‘Of course I won’t. But I think you need to.’ Tad managed to smile, more for her benefit than because he felt it. ‘If he’s half the man I think you deserve, he’ll be delighted by your news.’
Clare stared at him, making no effort to stop the cascade of tears. Eventually, when she had herself under control, she said, ‘Thank you, Tad.’
He paused. Something in her expression had him waiting, allowing her a moment longer in case there was something else she wanted to say, but she didn’t. Instead, he reached for Clare’s hand as he stared out across the water. ‘Can I tell you something?’
‘You know you can. Anything.’
‘It’s far less dramatic than your news.’
Clare managed a weak smile, her tears gone apart from the remnants in her eyelashes, making them glitter in what remained of the evening light. ‘I didn’t mean to be dramatic.’
He bumped shoulders with her. ‘And I didn’t tell you how excited I am for you. Can I be the godfather?’
He did an appalling impression of Marlon Brando’s classic line from the movie and was rewarded when, at last, Clare laughed.
‘I know there’s no point pursuing anything with Amy. If she’s already in a relationship, that’s not something I would try to crash in on. But she has given me something I wasn’t sure I’d ever find,’ he said.
‘What’s that?’
‘The belief that I will be able to fall in love with someone again, one day. And maybe that will have to be enough, for now.’
They sat, hand in hand, staring out across the water until Tad’s stomach rumbled loudly enough to make Clare laugh again and they headed back to the restaurant in search of dinner.